“Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.” Jane Howard
There are large families and small ones, close families and those that are not so close. They come in all shapes and sizes, and they can give us more peace and encouragement, turmoil and misery, love and understanding, and aggravation and anger than anything else. Families are intricately complicated, but simple and straightforward at the same time.
Family members share a unique, natural bond, and they love each other with an indescribable depth. Even those who do not particularly like each other love and protect one another with the ferocity of a mother bear. Their attitude toward this love is “I can say whatever I want about my brother, sister, mother, or father, but no one else better cross that line.” They feel that it is OK for them to criticize their family, but if anyone else should dare to, they had better watch out!
Family members are there for each other during times of crisis, catastrophe, and illness. They have a unique way of pulling together and helping one another when necessary. Even the ones who aren’t close and maybe do not even get along will show up at each other’s door to do whatever is needed. They say that it is “just what families do.” This is one of the things that make these relationships so special and amazing.
It is also wonderful to have people with whom so many memories are shared. Family members have the pleasure and privilege of being able to reminisce about how things were and things that happened when they were children. They share a lifetime of experiences, and they have things in common that are different from all their other relationships. They have each other to share the joys and the pain of the past as well as the present.
The most fortunate families are those that are friends as well as family. All are forced to be together as children, but the lucky ones remain close into adulthood, and they will never be alone. Family is a refuge, a kind of safe harbor. To have family members to turn to when life gets too difficult to face alone is a wonderful comfort, and it is a gift too large to measure.
So, in dealing with family, always keep in mind that life is fragile. Be kind and compassionate and patient, but most of all, be loving. Stay in touch, get together often, and enjoy them now. Don’t put it off until tomorrow because life doesn’t last forever.
Thursday, June 12, 2008
Focus on the Positive - Practice Gratitude
Volumes have been written on the subject of gratitude, but a few short paragraphs are all that is really necessary. It is not such a complicated topic. The best way to describe gratitude is that it is the act of being more aware of what we have than what we do not have. Another good definition is that it is knowing that even though we may not have everything we want, we have everything we need, and that is enough.
When we are concentrating on being grateful, there is no time for self-pity. And when we are focusing on what is good in our lives, we are spending less time thinking about our troubles and focusing on the negative.
Gratitude helps us to recognize the treasure in the simple things such as a child’s laughter, a breathtaking sunset, or the fragrance of spring flowers. It helps us not to ignore the beauty of the world around us.
Opportunities to practice gratitude exist in every situation. Though not always obvious, and we often have to dig for them, the opportunities are there. It is simply a matter of taking the time to look. The obviously wonderful things that happen in our lives, marriage, the birth of a child, getting a great job, buying that first home, are easy to be grateful for.
For the tough situations, though, the answer is in how we view them. For example, it is difficult to find anything to be grateful for in losing a loved one. But if we really try, we can find hidden blessings. Maybe our grief brought us closer to God, thereby improving our spiritual life, or maybe our loved one was in pain, and their death brought much needed peace and relief.
If the early morning singing of the birds disturbs our sleep, we can be grateful for our sense of hearing instead of angry because we were awakened. After all, there are many who cannot hear and would love to be disturbed in this manner. Maybe our home needs to be remodeled, but at least we have a home. There are many who do not have a roof over their heads. If we are very busy and must work overtime at our job, we can be grateful that we have a job at all. The unemployment rate is high right now. Maybe we are spread too thin and having trouble getting our children to their soccer practices, baseball games, and choir concerts. We could try being grateful that they are healthy enough to play sports and participate in school activities. There are parents of ill or disabled children who would delight in seeing their child play in a baseball game.
It’s not always easy, and this could all sound simplistic to some, but gratitude truly is a choice that we make. It is all in our perception, and we have complete control over how we choose to perceive things. We can look for the good and be grateful or choose to see only the bad. We make the choice.
When we are concentrating on being grateful, there is no time for self-pity. And when we are focusing on what is good in our lives, we are spending less time thinking about our troubles and focusing on the negative.
Gratitude helps us to recognize the treasure in the simple things such as a child’s laughter, a breathtaking sunset, or the fragrance of spring flowers. It helps us not to ignore the beauty of the world around us.
Opportunities to practice gratitude exist in every situation. Though not always obvious, and we often have to dig for them, the opportunities are there. It is simply a matter of taking the time to look. The obviously wonderful things that happen in our lives, marriage, the birth of a child, getting a great job, buying that first home, are easy to be grateful for.
For the tough situations, though, the answer is in how we view them. For example, it is difficult to find anything to be grateful for in losing a loved one. But if we really try, we can find hidden blessings. Maybe our grief brought us closer to God, thereby improving our spiritual life, or maybe our loved one was in pain, and their death brought much needed peace and relief.
If the early morning singing of the birds disturbs our sleep, we can be grateful for our sense of hearing instead of angry because we were awakened. After all, there are many who cannot hear and would love to be disturbed in this manner. Maybe our home needs to be remodeled, but at least we have a home. There are many who do not have a roof over their heads. If we are very busy and must work overtime at our job, we can be grateful that we have a job at all. The unemployment rate is high right now. Maybe we are spread too thin and having trouble getting our children to their soccer practices, baseball games, and choir concerts. We could try being grateful that they are healthy enough to play sports and participate in school activities. There are parents of ill or disabled children who would delight in seeing their child play in a baseball game.
It’s not always easy, and this could all sound simplistic to some, but gratitude truly is a choice that we make. It is all in our perception, and we have complete control over how we choose to perceive things. We can look for the good and be grateful or choose to see only the bad. We make the choice.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
We Are More Than Our Appearance
Contrary to what the media and the cosmetics industry would have us believe, we are so much more than our appearance. It is impossible to watch television, surf the Internet, or thumb through a magazine without being bombarded with reminders of our physical flaws and how to correct them. The cosmetics industry spends millions of dollars every year telling us how to get rid of wrinkles, age spots, under eye circles, and blemishes. All we have to do is buy their very expensive products, use them for four to six weeks, and voila, we'll look ten years younger! It would be laughable if it weren't so sad.
The ads do not encourage us, as they should, to look for things that we like about our appearance. Maybe we have long eyelashes, beautifully shaped lips, shiny hair, or lovely bright eyes, but unfortunately, we are encouraged only to look for the worst. They never say that we should be grateful for the things that are beautiful. And yes, there is beauty in all of us. The ads certainly never urge us to look for the beauty inside because the cosmetics industry's financial well-being hinges on us only looking at the outside and trying to correct everything that isn't perfect.
In addition, we are usually encouraged to pay more attention to the way we look than to the way we feel. The ad copy for weight loss programs, for example, teaches us that the best reason to lose those extra pounds is that bikini season is coming. In reality, of course, losing weight is important for many more reasons than bikini season, with better health topping the list.
What we should be thinking about is feeling good about ourselves just as we are because the better we feel about who we are, the better we treat ourselves. In turn, we begin to make healthier decisions. We often don't understand the relationship between the way we look and the way we feel. But the truth is that when we feel good and begin to love and accept ourselves the way we are now, not wait until we lose ten pounds or get a makeover, we automatically become more attractive. We smile more, our eyes sparkle, and we exude confidence.
It is empowering to walk into a room knowing that we look our best. And our best is what we should aspire to, not some magazine publisher's idea of what makes a person beautiful. Beauty comes in many different sizes, shapes, and colors, and it has nothing to do with height, weight, expensive clothing, or ridiculously priced cosmetics.
Certainly there is nothing wrong with wanting to improve ourselves, but the joy comes in accepting in loving ourselves exactly as we are today, at this very moment.
The ads do not encourage us, as they should, to look for things that we like about our appearance. Maybe we have long eyelashes, beautifully shaped lips, shiny hair, or lovely bright eyes, but unfortunately, we are encouraged only to look for the worst. They never say that we should be grateful for the things that are beautiful. And yes, there is beauty in all of us. The ads certainly never urge us to look for the beauty inside because the cosmetics industry's financial well-being hinges on us only looking at the outside and trying to correct everything that isn't perfect.
In addition, we are usually encouraged to pay more attention to the way we look than to the way we feel. The ad copy for weight loss programs, for example, teaches us that the best reason to lose those extra pounds is that bikini season is coming. In reality, of course, losing weight is important for many more reasons than bikini season, with better health topping the list.
What we should be thinking about is feeling good about ourselves just as we are because the better we feel about who we are, the better we treat ourselves. In turn, we begin to make healthier decisions. We often don't understand the relationship between the way we look and the way we feel. But the truth is that when we feel good and begin to love and accept ourselves the way we are now, not wait until we lose ten pounds or get a makeover, we automatically become more attractive. We smile more, our eyes sparkle, and we exude confidence.
It is empowering to walk into a room knowing that we look our best. And our best is what we should aspire to, not some magazine publisher's idea of what makes a person beautiful. Beauty comes in many different sizes, shapes, and colors, and it has nothing to do with height, weight, expensive clothing, or ridiculously priced cosmetics.
Certainly there is nothing wrong with wanting to improve ourselves, but the joy comes in accepting in loving ourselves exactly as we are today, at this very moment.
Monday, May 5, 2008
Letting Go of the Past
“Make peace with your past or it will mess up all of your todays.” Anonymous
The past can be hard to deal with sometimes. We often feel deep regret for things we said or did, or maybe we aren’t exactly proud of the kind of person we were. Or, maybe there is pain or anger for something that was done to us, something that we didn’t cause, but we are weighed down by it nonetheless.
Whatever there is in our past that is hindering our happiness today must be dealt with, and there is really only one way to accomplish that. We have to do just that, deal with it and put it behind us. We may choose to use prayer, meditation, spiritual principles, positive self-talk, confrontation, therapy, or a combination of any or all of these. Prayer, spiritual principles, and meditation can help us learn how to forgive ourselves and others. Confronting someone that caused us pain can provide closure and strength. Therapy can help us identify and guide us through all of the emotions that are uncovered.
No matter how we choose to do it, we must be willing to give it all of the time and energy that is required. If we do not confront these issues openly and completely, they will continue to grow, and then we run the risk of holding on to a painful past so long that it makes our lives miserable forever.
Sadly, we have all met people that hold on to all their past mistakes and hurts. They have become hard-hearted and hateful. The pain actually shows in their eyes, and it can be heard in their harsh words. No one has to become this kind of sad, miserable person when all it takes is some hard work and willingness to prevent it from happening. It can be painful to be sure, but it is definitely worth it to make peace with the past so that we can live and enjoy the rest of our todays. After all, no one knows how many more todays there will be, so let’s do our best not waste any more!
The past can be hard to deal with sometimes. We often feel deep regret for things we said or did, or maybe we aren’t exactly proud of the kind of person we were. Or, maybe there is pain or anger for something that was done to us, something that we didn’t cause, but we are weighed down by it nonetheless.
Whatever there is in our past that is hindering our happiness today must be dealt with, and there is really only one way to accomplish that. We have to do just that, deal with it and put it behind us. We may choose to use prayer, meditation, spiritual principles, positive self-talk, confrontation, therapy, or a combination of any or all of these. Prayer, spiritual principles, and meditation can help us learn how to forgive ourselves and others. Confronting someone that caused us pain can provide closure and strength. Therapy can help us identify and guide us through all of the emotions that are uncovered.
No matter how we choose to do it, we must be willing to give it all of the time and energy that is required. If we do not confront these issues openly and completely, they will continue to grow, and then we run the risk of holding on to a painful past so long that it makes our lives miserable forever.
Sadly, we have all met people that hold on to all their past mistakes and hurts. They have become hard-hearted and hateful. The pain actually shows in their eyes, and it can be heard in their harsh words. No one has to become this kind of sad, miserable person when all it takes is some hard work and willingness to prevent it from happening. It can be painful to be sure, but it is definitely worth it to make peace with the past so that we can live and enjoy the rest of our todays. After all, no one knows how many more todays there will be, so let’s do our best not waste any more!
Learning To Say NO
It sounds so simple, just two letters, one tiny syllable, but it is one of the hardest words to say. Think about how many times you have wanted to say it but didn’t. Your head said NO, but your mouth said yes.
There are many reasons why we don’t say the word NO when we want to. We might be afraid that we will hurt someone’s feelings, so we sacrifice our own. Maybe we fear making someone angry, so we say yes and add more resentment to our already heavy baggage. Sometimes, we say yes out of habit. Many times, we say it because we feel bullied or pressured. Other times, we say it to avoid confrontation.
There are countless reasons why we agree to things that we don’t really want to do. But more important than figuring out why we do it is figuring out how to stop.
The following are simple, yet important things that we must learn so that we will be able to say NO when we want to:
Our time is just as important as everyone else’s.
We don’t have any more time than anyone else. Everyone has 24 hours/day, 7 days/week.
Other people’s responsibilities are not ours to take care of.
If someone gets angry because we say NO, that is not our problem.
Saying NO is healthier than piling up resentment.
If someone wants to challenge our right to say NO, we are free to walk away or stay and try to explain, whichever we choose.
Just because we had time to do someone a favor last week or last month doesn’t mean that we have the time, or the desire, to do it this time.
We must respect ourselves enough to do what feels right for us.
There is a difference in doing a favor for someone and letting someone take advantage of us.
The choice to say NO is ours. If we say yes when we really want to say NO, it’s our own fault.
There are many reasons why we don’t say the word NO when we want to. We might be afraid that we will hurt someone’s feelings, so we sacrifice our own. Maybe we fear making someone angry, so we say yes and add more resentment to our already heavy baggage. Sometimes, we say yes out of habit. Many times, we say it because we feel bullied or pressured. Other times, we say it to avoid confrontation.
There are countless reasons why we agree to things that we don’t really want to do. But more important than figuring out why we do it is figuring out how to stop.
The following are simple, yet important things that we must learn so that we will be able to say NO when we want to:
Our time is just as important as everyone else’s.
We don’t have any more time than anyone else. Everyone has 24 hours/day, 7 days/week.
Other people’s responsibilities are not ours to take care of.
If someone gets angry because we say NO, that is not our problem.
Saying NO is healthier than piling up resentment.
If someone wants to challenge our right to say NO, we are free to walk away or stay and try to explain, whichever we choose.
Just because we had time to do someone a favor last week or last month doesn’t mean that we have the time, or the desire, to do it this time.
We must respect ourselves enough to do what feels right for us.
There is a difference in doing a favor for someone and letting someone take advantage of us.
The choice to say NO is ours. If we say yes when we really want to say NO, it’s our own fault.
Clear the Clutter
My rule for keeping my home in order is:
“If it isn’t beautiful, sentimental, useful or doesn’t bring me joy, get rid of it.”
I am a person who cannot stand clutter. It gives me the feeling of being trapped and claustrophobic, not to mention all the extra cleaning time that it causes. It makes me crazy to have to look everywhere for a receipt or a book, etc. Looking for things is just not how I want to spend my time. I honestly can’t think as clearly when surrounded by useless clutter. My creativity is stifled, and I feel somehow out of tune when my house is in chaos.
But I have a sense of serenity and control when my surroundings are neat. The simple act of getting things in order, as mundane as it may seem, can be a relaxing, peaceful activity, probably because I know how much better I will feel when it is done!
To keep things orderly, I go through my house every three or four months and get rid of anything that does not meet my requirements. If it isn’t beautiful, sentimental, useful, or bring me joy, out it goes. When there are things that I am not sure about, they go to the attic for a while. If I don’t miss them, they get the boot the next time I clean the attic!
I understand that some people are simply born packrats. I know that their need to hold on to things is just as strong as my need to get rid of them. But I really believe that my requirements for what to keep cover everything that a person could possibly need.
Another plus is that I get the good, positive feeling that comes along with donating things to someone who needs them because I never throw away things that I think could be useful to another person. There are many organizations that will come and pick up the items, as well as charitable groups that I can deliver them to. Salvation Army, ARC, and Goodwill will pick up useable items such as clothing, household items, furniture, and appliances, and many churches have clothes closets for folks in need. I try to make sure that nothing goes to waste.
“If it isn’t beautiful, sentimental, useful or doesn’t bring me joy, get rid of it.”
I am a person who cannot stand clutter. It gives me the feeling of being trapped and claustrophobic, not to mention all the extra cleaning time that it causes. It makes me crazy to have to look everywhere for a receipt or a book, etc. Looking for things is just not how I want to spend my time. I honestly can’t think as clearly when surrounded by useless clutter. My creativity is stifled, and I feel somehow out of tune when my house is in chaos.
But I have a sense of serenity and control when my surroundings are neat. The simple act of getting things in order, as mundane as it may seem, can be a relaxing, peaceful activity, probably because I know how much better I will feel when it is done!
To keep things orderly, I go through my house every three or four months and get rid of anything that does not meet my requirements. If it isn’t beautiful, sentimental, useful, or bring me joy, out it goes. When there are things that I am not sure about, they go to the attic for a while. If I don’t miss them, they get the boot the next time I clean the attic!
I understand that some people are simply born packrats. I know that their need to hold on to things is just as strong as my need to get rid of them. But I really believe that my requirements for what to keep cover everything that a person could possibly need.
Another plus is that I get the good, positive feeling that comes along with donating things to someone who needs them because I never throw away things that I think could be useful to another person. There are many organizations that will come and pick up the items, as well as charitable groups that I can deliver them to. Salvation Army, ARC, and Goodwill will pick up useable items such as clothing, household items, furniture, and appliances, and many churches have clothes closets for folks in need. I try to make sure that nothing goes to waste.
Thursday, May 1, 2008
Biography - Humphrey Bogart
Humphrey DeForest Bogart was born December 25, 1899. His father was Dr. Belmont DeForest Bogart, a surgeon. His mother was Maud Humphrey, a famous children's illustrator. He had two sisters, Kay who died at 34 from peritonitis and Frances Rose who had a breakdown during a difficult 27 hour childbirth. Both his parents were addicted to alcohol and morphine, and his mother, who made as much as $50,000/year doing illustrations of children for advertisements and magazines, was incapable of showing any affection. Consequently, Bogie's (nickname given to him by friend, Spencer Tracy) childhood was terribly unhappy.
Bogart was expelled from Andover in 1918 and joined the Naval Reserve. After his honorable discharge, he made his professional debut as a Japanese butler in a 1921 play in Brooklyn. He would go on to appear in over 20 Broadway productions during his early career and in eleven films between 1930 and 1934.
In 1934, he appeared in a hit play called, "The Petrified Forest" with Leslie Howard. He played the role of Duke Mantee, a ruthless, escaped killer. When Warner Brothers bought the rights to turn it into a film, they wanted Leslie Howard to reprise his role from the play, but they did not want Bogart. Howard refused to do the film unless Bogart was signed. The role won him a contract with Warner Brothers and an Oscar nomination for Best Supporting Actor. This 1936 film turned out to be his big break.
Bogie would battle with Warner Brothers about film and director choices until 1943 when he starred as the unforgettable Rick Blaine in "Casablanca."
The success of this film resulted in a new contract with Warner Brothers that would pay him $200,000 per film and give him the freedom to make decisions about roles.
During production of several of his movies in the forties, Bogart's personal problems caused problems on the set. At the time, he was married to Mayo Methot, and their relationship was reported to be volatile and violent. He had been married twice before, first to Helen Menken from 1926-1927, then to Mary Phillips from 1928-1937. In 1945, he finally found happiness when he divorced Methot and married Lauren Bacall. He and Bacall met and fell in love on the set of "To Have and Have Not," the film debut of the nineteen year old Bacall.
The marriage to Bacall produced two children. In 1945, Stephen Humphrey Bogart was born and named after Bogart's character in "To Have and Have Not" because it was the movie his parents were filming when they met. In 1952, Leslie Howard Bogart was born and named after Leslie Howard, Bogart's friend who had played such an important role in the advancement of Bogart's career.
In 1947, he formed Santana, his own production company. The company produced many films, some memorable, and some not. In 1954, Santana was sold to Columbia for one million dollars.Bogart's most memorable roles were those of Duke Mantee in "The Petrified Forest," Rick Blaine in "Casablanca," Fred C. Dobbs in "The Treasure of Sierra Madre," Charlie Allnut in "The African Queen," and Captain Queeg in "Caine Mutiny." His only Academy Award win was for "The African Queen," a great 1951 film made with Katharine Hepburn.
Humphrey Bogart died on January 14, 1957 after a battle with cancer. He was a legend while he lived, and now after more than fifty years since his death, he is not only still a legend, but he is larger than life. Many believe that he was the greatest actor to ever grace the screen, and I agree.
Bogart was expelled from Andover in 1918 and joined the Naval Reserve. After his honorable discharge, he made his professional debut as a Japanese butler in a 1921 play in Brooklyn. He would go on to appear in over 20 Broadway productions during his early career and in eleven films between 1930 and 1934.
In 1934, he appeared in a hit play called, "The Petrified Forest" with Leslie Howard. He played the role of Duke Mantee, a ruthless, escaped killer. When Warner Brothers bought the rights to turn it into a film, they wanted Leslie Howard to reprise his role from the play, but they did not want Bogart. Howard refused to do the film unless Bogart was signed. The role won him a contract with Warner Brothers and an Oscar nomination for Best Supporting Actor. This 1936 film turned out to be his big break.
Bogie would battle with Warner Brothers about film and director choices until 1943 when he starred as the unforgettable Rick Blaine in "Casablanca."
The success of this film resulted in a new contract with Warner Brothers that would pay him $200,000 per film and give him the freedom to make decisions about roles.
During production of several of his movies in the forties, Bogart's personal problems caused problems on the set. At the time, he was married to Mayo Methot, and their relationship was reported to be volatile and violent. He had been married twice before, first to Helen Menken from 1926-1927, then to Mary Phillips from 1928-1937. In 1945, he finally found happiness when he divorced Methot and married Lauren Bacall. He and Bacall met and fell in love on the set of "To Have and Have Not," the film debut of the nineteen year old Bacall.
The marriage to Bacall produced two children. In 1945, Stephen Humphrey Bogart was born and named after Bogart's character in "To Have and Have Not" because it was the movie his parents were filming when they met. In 1952, Leslie Howard Bogart was born and named after Leslie Howard, Bogart's friend who had played such an important role in the advancement of Bogart's career.
In 1947, he formed Santana, his own production company. The company produced many films, some memorable, and some not. In 1954, Santana was sold to Columbia for one million dollars.Bogart's most memorable roles were those of Duke Mantee in "The Petrified Forest," Rick Blaine in "Casablanca," Fred C. Dobbs in "The Treasure of Sierra Madre," Charlie Allnut in "The African Queen," and Captain Queeg in "Caine Mutiny." His only Academy Award win was for "The African Queen," a great 1951 film made with Katharine Hepburn.
Humphrey Bogart died on January 14, 1957 after a battle with cancer. He was a legend while he lived, and now after more than fifty years since his death, he is not only still a legend, but he is larger than life. Many believe that he was the greatest actor to ever grace the screen, and I agree.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
Texas Weather
We have a saying in Texas that if you don't like the weather, just stick around a few minutes and it will change. I suspect that every state has this same saying. It is difficult, though, to imagine someone saying, for example, "If you don't like the weather in Delaware..." It just loses some of its bite, don't you think?
Anyway, as far as Texas weather goes, I've never really understood this saying. Could it mean, "If you don't like the 105 degree heat on this August afternoon, stick around until dark when it drops to 98 degrees? Yes, Texas summers are that brutal. At least three times each day during July and August, I make this observation, "This must be what hell feels like." You really can break a sweat going out to the front porch to get the mail!
Or maybe the change they refer to is the change from spring to summer when it goes from 92 degrees to 100 degrees. See, there really isn't much of a spring here. It basically goes straight from winter to hell. One day it's 60 degrees. The next day it's 95, and we don't see anything under 90 degrees again until about October.
And fall? Forget it. What most people think of as fall is winter in the part of Texas where I live. Our average winter high temperature is 55 degrees. Isn't this fall for everyone else? There are areas of Texas that do actually experience winter -- mostly West Texas. But the area in which I live basically experiences two seasons: summer and "kind of" winter.
Once in a great while, it gets cold enough to snow a little or ice over. These times are particularly amusing to people from the North. When we get 1 inch of snowfall in the Dallas area, life as we know it comes to a screeching halt. As soon as snow or ice is forecasted, there is a huge rush at the grocery stores. God forbid we get "snowed in" without an adequate supply of the essentials -- Dr. Pepper, Snickers, M&M's, popcorn, etc.
If the snow or ice actually does come, public and private schools close, along with many businesses, stores, and other establishments. I don't drive at all on these days. I sit at home and long for the days when it felt like hell.
For more on all things Texas, please visit http://www.texasspirit.net
Anyway, as far as Texas weather goes, I've never really understood this saying. Could it mean, "If you don't like the 105 degree heat on this August afternoon, stick around until dark when it drops to 98 degrees? Yes, Texas summers are that brutal. At least three times each day during July and August, I make this observation, "This must be what hell feels like." You really can break a sweat going out to the front porch to get the mail!
Or maybe the change they refer to is the change from spring to summer when it goes from 92 degrees to 100 degrees. See, there really isn't much of a spring here. It basically goes straight from winter to hell. One day it's 60 degrees. The next day it's 95, and we don't see anything under 90 degrees again until about October.
And fall? Forget it. What most people think of as fall is winter in the part of Texas where I live. Our average winter high temperature is 55 degrees. Isn't this fall for everyone else? There are areas of Texas that do actually experience winter -- mostly West Texas. But the area in which I live basically experiences two seasons: summer and "kind of" winter.
Once in a great while, it gets cold enough to snow a little or ice over. These times are particularly amusing to people from the North. When we get 1 inch of snowfall in the Dallas area, life as we know it comes to a screeching halt. As soon as snow or ice is forecasted, there is a huge rush at the grocery stores. God forbid we get "snowed in" without an adequate supply of the essentials -- Dr. Pepper, Snickers, M&M's, popcorn, etc.
If the snow or ice actually does come, public and private schools close, along with many businesses, stores, and other establishments. I don't drive at all on these days. I sit at home and long for the days when it felt like hell.
For more on all things Texas, please visit http://www.texasspirit.net
Monday, April 21, 2008
We Speak Texan
Some say that Texas has a language of its own. I, however, say that Texans speak English with the hard edges removed. Our Texas drawl softens it up a bit. I admit that it sounds quite comical to some, but I don't understand what the big deal is. All regions have accents.
For example, my husband and I recently spent a week in Boston. Excuse me, I mean BAHSTON. While there, we drove our rental CAH to Concorde, excuse me, CONKERD. We saw the CHAHLES RIVAH, BAHSTON HAHBAH, and dined on LOBSTAH. It seems to me that the only time BAHSTONIANS pronounce the letter "r" is when it isn't really there. One lady I met was going to spend Thanksgiving in "TAMPAR, FLORIDAR."
I don't mean to pick on the lovely people of Boston. As I said, there are different accents in every region of the United States. The Texas accent is more of a "lilt" and sounds almost melodic. Texans can transform a single syllable into three with no effort. "Hey y'all, let's go," becomes "Haaaaaay y'aaalllll, let's goooooo." We can drag out all vowel sounds, especially the long ones forever and a day!Our long "i" sounds like a short "a" in many cases. When we order iced tea in a restaurant up North, they think we're asking for "assed" tea.
When we address a group, we use the word "y'all." Hello, it's a contraction of "you all." It seems so logical to me, and I have trouble understanding why others find it so amusing. To me, it is infinitely better than "yous guys" from our friends in New York or "you'ns" from people in the Midwest. And people make jokes about us? Maybe they should mind their own "bidness!"
For more on all things Texas, please visit http://www.texasspirit.net
For example, my husband and I recently spent a week in Boston. Excuse me, I mean BAHSTON. While there, we drove our rental CAH to Concorde, excuse me, CONKERD. We saw the CHAHLES RIVAH, BAHSTON HAHBAH, and dined on LOBSTAH. It seems to me that the only time BAHSTONIANS pronounce the letter "r" is when it isn't really there. One lady I met was going to spend Thanksgiving in "TAMPAR, FLORIDAR."
I don't mean to pick on the lovely people of Boston. As I said, there are different accents in every region of the United States. The Texas accent is more of a "lilt" and sounds almost melodic. Texans can transform a single syllable into three with no effort. "Hey y'all, let's go," becomes "Haaaaaay y'aaalllll, let's goooooo." We can drag out all vowel sounds, especially the long ones forever and a day!Our long "i" sounds like a short "a" in many cases. When we order iced tea in a restaurant up North, they think we're asking for "assed" tea.
When we address a group, we use the word "y'all." Hello, it's a contraction of "you all." It seems so logical to me, and I have trouble understanding why others find it so amusing. To me, it is infinitely better than "yous guys" from our friends in New York or "you'ns" from people in the Midwest. And people make jokes about us? Maybe they should mind their own "bidness!"
For more on all things Texas, please visit http://www.texasspirit.net
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Texas Music
Texas has its own brand of music, of course, no one would expect anything less. Texas music, sometimes called Texas country, or alternative country is a fast growing alternative to the cookie cutter music coming out of Nashville. Texas music displays a "take it or leave it" attitude. Texas singer/songwriters are sending a message to the powers that be in Nashville, and that message is, "Here is my music. I like it. My fans like it. It doesn't matter if you like it or not."
Texas singer/songwriters have very large fan bases and their live shows are electric. They are approachable, regular people who enjoy sharing their talent and their songs. Many represent themselves, and many are represented by small, independent labels. Their love of Texas is often a theme in their songs, and these songs are always popular with the fans.
Pat Green's Southbound 35, opens with "What the hell am I doin' up in Kansas City/I know damn well it ain't where I belong/Think I'll quit my job come 5:00 and find my lonely way back home/Well, my baby said just what are you tryin' to prove here, do you really want to leave me here all alone/I said I'm tired of staring at this ocean full of Yankees, I'd rather be in Texas on my own."
In What I Like About Texas, Jerry Jeff Walker says, "You ask me what I like about Texas/I tell you it's the wide open spaces/It's everything between the Sabine and the Rio Grande/It's the Llano Estacado/It's the Brazos and the Colorado/Spirit of the people down here who share this land."
Lyle Lovett, in That's Right You're Not From Texas, says, "You say you're not from Texas/Man as if I couldn't tell/You think you pull your boots on right and wear your hat so well/So pardon me my laughter cause I sure do understand/Even Moses got excited/When he saw the promised land."
In his song, The Great Divide, Jack Ingram shares, "They still listen to high school football/On the radio in West Texas/The lights still shine bright every Friday night/And you can drive 90 miles an hour/Down the highway straight through Cisco/The cops are at the ball game, it's gettin' tight/And the sky gets wider and wider/You disappear like the day/Into the great divide you fade away/It's another world all together/In the middle of God's country."
Kevin Fowler explains Texas pride well in 100% Texan. "Well, I love the sound of the rain on a tin roof/On a hot summer night/Love to hear those hound dogs barkin’/Howlin’ at the full moonlight/Love to see those fireflies buzzin’/Lightin’ up the southern sky/I’m hell-bent 100% Texan ‘till I die."
Pat Green's Songs About Texas says, "I sing songs about Texas/I sing them often as if she were some old lover I used to know/Wish I could follow them back to the homeland every time I hear one on my radio/Twin fiddles playing in my memory, my daddy sang the wonders of old cow town/Silver haired and he's still there under a sky so warm and fair/I tell you friends there's a song in every town/So sing me one more song about old San Antone/It seems like a dream now it was so long ago/And Jerry Jeff Walker can be just like a coat from the cold/Well I'm going home."
Pat Green describes his feelings for Texas in I Like Texas, "Well there's old dancehalls and little cafes/Where you can get a taste of the Lone Star State/Strap on your boots and have yourself a laugh or two/Well there's no line dancin' just straight romancin'/That hill country lore is what I fancy/Where streams run clear and Lord the skies they are so blue."
Ray Wylie Hubbard in Screw You, We're From Texas, bluntly lets everyone know how he feels "Now I love the USA/And the other states/Ahh, they're OK/Texas is the place I wanna be/And I don't care if I ever go to Delaware anyway/Cause we got Stubbs and Gruene Hall and Antone's and John T's Country Store/We've got Willie and Jacky Jack, Robert Earl, Pat, Cory, Charlie and me/And so many more/So screw you, we're from Texas/Screw you, we're from Texas/Screw you, we're from Texas/We're from Texas, screw you."
Steven Dale Jones & Phillip White in Texas, a song they wrote for George Strait, tell us, "There wouldn't be no Alamo/No Cowboys in the Super Bowl/No "Lonesome Dove", No "Yellow Rose"/If it wasn't for Texas/I wouldn't be a Willie fan/Nobody would swim the Rio Grand/I wouldn't be an American/If it wasn't for Texas."
For more on all things Texas, visit http://www.texasspirit.net/
Texas singer/songwriters have very large fan bases and their live shows are electric. They are approachable, regular people who enjoy sharing their talent and their songs. Many represent themselves, and many are represented by small, independent labels. Their love of Texas is often a theme in their songs, and these songs are always popular with the fans.
Pat Green's Southbound 35, opens with "What the hell am I doin' up in Kansas City/I know damn well it ain't where I belong/Think I'll quit my job come 5:00 and find my lonely way back home/Well, my baby said just what are you tryin' to prove here, do you really want to leave me here all alone/I said I'm tired of staring at this ocean full of Yankees, I'd rather be in Texas on my own."
In What I Like About Texas, Jerry Jeff Walker says, "You ask me what I like about Texas/I tell you it's the wide open spaces/It's everything between the Sabine and the Rio Grande/It's the Llano Estacado/It's the Brazos and the Colorado/Spirit of the people down here who share this land."
Lyle Lovett, in That's Right You're Not From Texas, says, "You say you're not from Texas/Man as if I couldn't tell/You think you pull your boots on right and wear your hat so well/So pardon me my laughter cause I sure do understand/Even Moses got excited/When he saw the promised land."
In his song, The Great Divide, Jack Ingram shares, "They still listen to high school football/On the radio in West Texas/The lights still shine bright every Friday night/And you can drive 90 miles an hour/Down the highway straight through Cisco/The cops are at the ball game, it's gettin' tight/And the sky gets wider and wider/You disappear like the day/Into the great divide you fade away/It's another world all together/In the middle of God's country."
Kevin Fowler explains Texas pride well in 100% Texan. "Well, I love the sound of the rain on a tin roof/On a hot summer night/Love to hear those hound dogs barkin’/Howlin’ at the full moonlight/Love to see those fireflies buzzin’/Lightin’ up the southern sky/I’m hell-bent 100% Texan ‘till I die."
Pat Green's Songs About Texas says, "I sing songs about Texas/I sing them often as if she were some old lover I used to know/Wish I could follow them back to the homeland every time I hear one on my radio/Twin fiddles playing in my memory, my daddy sang the wonders of old cow town/Silver haired and he's still there under a sky so warm and fair/I tell you friends there's a song in every town/So sing me one more song about old San Antone/It seems like a dream now it was so long ago/And Jerry Jeff Walker can be just like a coat from the cold/Well I'm going home."
Pat Green describes his feelings for Texas in I Like Texas, "Well there's old dancehalls and little cafes/Where you can get a taste of the Lone Star State/Strap on your boots and have yourself a laugh or two/Well there's no line dancin' just straight romancin'/That hill country lore is what I fancy/Where streams run clear and Lord the skies they are so blue."
Ray Wylie Hubbard in Screw You, We're From Texas, bluntly lets everyone know how he feels "Now I love the USA/And the other states/Ahh, they're OK/Texas is the place I wanna be/And I don't care if I ever go to Delaware anyway/Cause we got Stubbs and Gruene Hall and Antone's and John T's Country Store/We've got Willie and Jacky Jack, Robert Earl, Pat, Cory, Charlie and me/And so many more/So screw you, we're from Texas/Screw you, we're from Texas/Screw you, we're from Texas/We're from Texas, screw you."
Steven Dale Jones & Phillip White in Texas, a song they wrote for George Strait, tell us, "There wouldn't be no Alamo/No Cowboys in the Super Bowl/No "Lonesome Dove", No "Yellow Rose"/If it wasn't for Texas/I wouldn't be a Willie fan/Nobody would swim the Rio Grand/I wouldn't be an American/If it wasn't for Texas."
For more on all things Texas, visit http://www.texasspirit.net/
Friends
If "friend" had to be defined in only one word, that word would have to be "gift." Friends are everything from our partners in crime to our safe place in a cold and frightening world. They give us their strength when we have none of our own, and they share their peace with us when we have only chaos. They have confidence in us when we have lost confidence in ourselves. True friends know when to talk and when to sit with us in silence, and they know when to simply listen and when to offer opinions. Often, they even know what we are thinking or feeling before we know ourselves.
Real friends are the ones that are there for us no matter how bad we feel or what terrible circumstances we may be experiencing. It is during the most difficult times that we find out who our true friends are. The casual friends become very scarce when the going gets tough. They claim to be busy with this or that, or they might not even answer our calls. But the good and true friends hold our hands while they walk through the hardships beside us.
Real friends are also there when times are good to share our triumphs and successes, and they are sincerely happy for us when we reach our goals. Unlike casual friends who are sometimes jealous or resentful of our good fortune, our real friends are proud of us and help us celebrate our achievements.
They are patient, kind, and understanding, and they function not only as our friends. They are also our sounding boards, and sometimes even our therapists. They listen to us and honestly share their observations and opinions. If we are being unreasonable, illogical, or borderline insane, they are not afraid to tell us. They are able to be honest and objective and realistic without losing their tactfulness.
There's no end to what a true friend will do. Many even possess a sort of sixth sense that tells them when we need them, and they show up at the door. But the most important characteristic of a true friend is that they love us unconditionally. They accept us flaws and all, and the world is a warmer place because of them.
"A true friend is someone who walks in when the rest of the world walks out." Walter Winchell
Real friends are the ones that are there for us no matter how bad we feel or what terrible circumstances we may be experiencing. It is during the most difficult times that we find out who our true friends are. The casual friends become very scarce when the going gets tough. They claim to be busy with this or that, or they might not even answer our calls. But the good and true friends hold our hands while they walk through the hardships beside us.
Real friends are also there when times are good to share our triumphs and successes, and they are sincerely happy for us when we reach our goals. Unlike casual friends who are sometimes jealous or resentful of our good fortune, our real friends are proud of us and help us celebrate our achievements.
They are patient, kind, and understanding, and they function not only as our friends. They are also our sounding boards, and sometimes even our therapists. They listen to us and honestly share their observations and opinions. If we are being unreasonable, illogical, or borderline insane, they are not afraid to tell us. They are able to be honest and objective and realistic without losing their tactfulness.
There's no end to what a true friend will do. Many even possess a sort of sixth sense that tells them when we need them, and they show up at the door. But the most important characteristic of a true friend is that they love us unconditionally. They accept us flaws and all, and the world is a warmer place because of them.
"A true friend is someone who walks in when the rest of the world walks out." Walter Winchell
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Things We Can Learn from Little Children
Dance every time you hear music.
Sing from your heart.
If you don’t like it, don’t eat it.
If you feel like screaming, let it rip.
Be honest and open about how you feel.
If something is yours, fight for it.
Wake up early so you don’t miss a thing.
If you fall down, get right back up.
Don’t walk when you can run.
Don’t give up too easily when someone tells you no.
Tell everyone how old you are and be proud of it.
Recognize the beauty in frogs.
When you are happy to see someone, run as fast as you can toward that person with your arms open.
Lose the inhibitions, and run naked through the house after your bath.
If you don’t want to do something, say no.
Find joy in the little things.
Get mad, then get over it.
Don’t be embarrassed to be yourself.
Share your candy with those who don’t have any.
If you are scared, call your mom or dad.
Allow yourself to be amazed.
So you got a little chocolate on your face, who cares?
Play like there is no tomorrow.
If someone offers to hold you while you cry, let them.
Don’t worry about whether your clothes match or not.
Play outside.
Don’t try to act happy when you’re not.
Believe that all things are possible.
If you like a movie, watch it as many times as you want.
Laugh from your gut.
Cry when you feel like it.
Be eager to learn.
Give in to sleep only when you can no longer keep your eyes open.
Accept everyone regardless of what kind of clothes they are wearing or what color their skin is.
Let yourself get excited.
Take a nap when you’re tired.
Pretend that you’re a princess.
Jump in water puddles.
Play in the rain.
Swing, slide, and play on the merry-go-round.
Don’t worry if your shoes are on the wrong feet.
Kiss the people you love on the lips. If you really love them, lick their face.
Give hugs generously.
Say hello to everyone you see.
Walk right up to people and ask them what their name is and tell them yours.
If you fall down, let someone kiss your boo-boo.
Go for a walk, pick up all the unusual rocks you see and put them in your pocket.
Don’t worry that people might laugh at you.
Let your imagination run wild.
Skip down the sidewalk.
Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t be a firefighter and an astronaut and a race car driver.
Sing from your heart.
If you don’t like it, don’t eat it.
If you feel like screaming, let it rip.
Be honest and open about how you feel.
If something is yours, fight for it.
Wake up early so you don’t miss a thing.
If you fall down, get right back up.
Don’t walk when you can run.
Don’t give up too easily when someone tells you no.
Tell everyone how old you are and be proud of it.
Recognize the beauty in frogs.
When you are happy to see someone, run as fast as you can toward that person with your arms open.
Lose the inhibitions, and run naked through the house after your bath.
If you don’t want to do something, say no.
Find joy in the little things.
Get mad, then get over it.
Don’t be embarrassed to be yourself.
Share your candy with those who don’t have any.
If you are scared, call your mom or dad.
Allow yourself to be amazed.
So you got a little chocolate on your face, who cares?
Play like there is no tomorrow.
If someone offers to hold you while you cry, let them.
Don’t worry about whether your clothes match or not.
Play outside.
Don’t try to act happy when you’re not.
Believe that all things are possible.
If you like a movie, watch it as many times as you want.
Laugh from your gut.
Cry when you feel like it.
Be eager to learn.
Give in to sleep only when you can no longer keep your eyes open.
Accept everyone regardless of what kind of clothes they are wearing or what color their skin is.
Let yourself get excited.
Take a nap when you’re tired.
Pretend that you’re a princess.
Jump in water puddles.
Play in the rain.
Swing, slide, and play on the merry-go-round.
Don’t worry if your shoes are on the wrong feet.
Kiss the people you love on the lips. If you really love them, lick their face.
Give hugs generously.
Say hello to everyone you see.
Walk right up to people and ask them what their name is and tell them yours.
If you fall down, let someone kiss your boo-boo.
Go for a walk, pick up all the unusual rocks you see and put them in your pocket.
Don’t worry that people might laugh at you.
Let your imagination run wild.
Skip down the sidewalk.
Don’t let anyone tell you that you can’t be a firefighter and an astronaut and a race car driver.
The Need To Be Right
“If you’re trying too hard to convince everyone around you that you’re right, you’re probably wrong.” Anonymous
There was a time when one of the most important things to me was being right all of the time. Even when I knew inside that I was wrong, I continued to indignantly argue that I was right. To feel good about myself, I needed to be right, to know just a little more, be just a little smarter than everyone else. Thinking about the amount of time and energy that I wasted on this insane behavior makes me a little sad, but I guess I had to go through it to be where I am now.
Happily, I am now at a point where I no longer have that obsessive need to be right in every argument or situation. I believe that the transformation came with a combination of age and acceptance. However it happened, I’m just glad that it did, and I’m not willing to spend any time trying to figure out exactly how or when or why. The important thing is that I enjoy freedom now that I didn’t even know existed before.
I have the freedom to simply say, “Oops, I messed up,” or “Sorry, I was wrong,” or “I don’t know.” And this freedom is one of the most wonderful things that ever happened to me. I am no longer on guard all the time, and I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders. There was just too much stress and worry associated with “being right” all the time. I understand and accept now that people are just that, people.
Feeling good about myself now means accepting myself for who and what I am, no more and no less. I don’t worry about what other people think of me, and I honestly don’t care who thinks I’m right and who thinks I’m wrong. It doesn’t matter to me if anyone else thinks I’m smart, and it’s liberating to admit that I’m not nearly as smart as I thought I was in my younger years. I am completely free to be me now, a human being who makes mistakes, is often wrong, and that is just fine with me!
There was a time when one of the most important things to me was being right all of the time. Even when I knew inside that I was wrong, I continued to indignantly argue that I was right. To feel good about myself, I needed to be right, to know just a little more, be just a little smarter than everyone else. Thinking about the amount of time and energy that I wasted on this insane behavior makes me a little sad, but I guess I had to go through it to be where I am now.
Happily, I am now at a point where I no longer have that obsessive need to be right in every argument or situation. I believe that the transformation came with a combination of age and acceptance. However it happened, I’m just glad that it did, and I’m not willing to spend any time trying to figure out exactly how or when or why. The important thing is that I enjoy freedom now that I didn’t even know existed before.
I have the freedom to simply say, “Oops, I messed up,” or “Sorry, I was wrong,” or “I don’t know.” And this freedom is one of the most wonderful things that ever happened to me. I am no longer on guard all the time, and I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted from my shoulders. There was just too much stress and worry associated with “being right” all the time. I understand and accept now that people are just that, people.
Feeling good about myself now means accepting myself for who and what I am, no more and no less. I don’t worry about what other people think of me, and I honestly don’t care who thinks I’m right and who thinks I’m wrong. It doesn’t matter to me if anyone else thinks I’m smart, and it’s liberating to admit that I’m not nearly as smart as I thought I was in my younger years. I am completely free to be me now, a human being who makes mistakes, is often wrong, and that is just fine with me!
Friday, April 4, 2008
Stupid Questions
It is true that where children are concerned there is no such thing as a stupid question. However, this rule does not apply to adults, and it is often hard to believe some of the idiotic questions that adults actually ask. And to make it worse, they are serious; they aren’t joking around.
What it means to ask a stupid question to me is asking one for which the answer is blatantly obvious. Sometimes, the person is simply oblivious. They are often smart and educated, just maybe lacking in the common sense department. For example, during a recent conversation with a friend, I mentioned that I had been to my Uncle Jim’s funeral the day before. She then asked me, “Oh, did he die?” It took every ounce of restraint I could muster not to say something like, “No, but he’s sick so we thought we would go ahead and bury him.”
In other situations, I think that stupid questions are a direct result of not listening. An example of this happened a few weeks ago when I called the cable company to find out why they had charged me eighty-eight dollars more than usual. I posed this question to the customer service representative who answered my call, and she replied with this question, “Would you like for me to check on that for you?” I couldn’t stop myself from answering, “No thanks, I just wanted to let you know that it will be my pleasure to send you eighty-eight dollars more than I owe.”
There are also times, though, when the question doesn’t really fit into the “oblivious” or the “not listening” categories. They simply defy explanation. Both of these examples happened while I was grocery shopping. First, I asked the manager where I could find the Del Monte brand green beans. He then asked, “Is that the brand you want?” I replied, “No, I just wanted to make sure that you knew where they were.”
The other grocery store incident happened when I was deciding which cheese to purchase. I saw a package that was two months past the sell by date. I took the package with me to the checkout counter and showed it to the checker. She asked me, “Do you want to buy it?’ I didn’t waste time on a reply.
One last example that defies explanation happened at my son’s school. I needed to pick him up early for an appointment. I went to the office and told the student worker my son’s name and that he had a dental appointment. She asked, “Do you want me to get him out of class?” I answered with a simple, “Yes, please.” But what I really wanted to say was, “No, I just wanted you to know that my family practices good dental hygiene.”
In this world where stupidity can be found on each and every corner, these questions can be annoying. But, I try to see it from a different perspective. They provide much needed comic relief in a world where everyone needs to laugh more.
What it means to ask a stupid question to me is asking one for which the answer is blatantly obvious. Sometimes, the person is simply oblivious. They are often smart and educated, just maybe lacking in the common sense department. For example, during a recent conversation with a friend, I mentioned that I had been to my Uncle Jim’s funeral the day before. She then asked me, “Oh, did he die?” It took every ounce of restraint I could muster not to say something like, “No, but he’s sick so we thought we would go ahead and bury him.”
In other situations, I think that stupid questions are a direct result of not listening. An example of this happened a few weeks ago when I called the cable company to find out why they had charged me eighty-eight dollars more than usual. I posed this question to the customer service representative who answered my call, and she replied with this question, “Would you like for me to check on that for you?” I couldn’t stop myself from answering, “No thanks, I just wanted to let you know that it will be my pleasure to send you eighty-eight dollars more than I owe.”
There are also times, though, when the question doesn’t really fit into the “oblivious” or the “not listening” categories. They simply defy explanation. Both of these examples happened while I was grocery shopping. First, I asked the manager where I could find the Del Monte brand green beans. He then asked, “Is that the brand you want?” I replied, “No, I just wanted to make sure that you knew where they were.”
The other grocery store incident happened when I was deciding which cheese to purchase. I saw a package that was two months past the sell by date. I took the package with me to the checkout counter and showed it to the checker. She asked me, “Do you want to buy it?’ I didn’t waste time on a reply.
One last example that defies explanation happened at my son’s school. I needed to pick him up early for an appointment. I went to the office and told the student worker my son’s name and that he had a dental appointment. She asked, “Do you want me to get him out of class?” I answered with a simple, “Yes, please.” But what I really wanted to say was, “No, I just wanted you to know that my family practices good dental hygiene.”
In this world where stupidity can be found on each and every corner, these questions can be annoying. But, I try to see it from a different perspective. They provide much needed comic relief in a world where everyone needs to laugh more.
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
The Loss of a Parent
At 51 years of age, I find myself in that awful position of having lost both parents. It doesn't matter how old you are when your parents die. You still feel like an orphan when they are both gone. My dad's death, being the most recent, is the one that I'm still working hard to deal with.
My mother died at age 53, so she has been gone for most of my adult life.
My dad was 75 years old when he died so I consider myself lucky to have had lots of time with him. He was the kind of man that everyone loved. He was smart, funny, and he loved life. He didn't give advice unless asked, minded his own business, and lived by the saying, "What goes around comes around." He had an unexplainable calming effect on me. I could be having the worst of days, some huge life catastrophe, or trouble with the kids and just talking to him on the phone could calm me down. He was not only my dad. He was my wonderful friend and a source of strength for me. I miss him more than I could ever find the words to express.
He was diagnosed with cancer eighteen months before he passed away. I knew something was wrong because he had been looking thin and pale. I think he knew, too, but maybe just didn't want to hear it. There was no hope of curing his cancer, but the oncologist felt that he could get him a little more time with chemotherapy. Thankfully, my dad consented to the treatments because it gave us a little more time with him. We knew that a time would come that the treatments wouldn't help anymore, and that happened about six weeks before he died.
There was a five week hospital stay, during which I never left him. I was very fortunate to have a wonderful husband who understood the importance of my being with him and also fortunate that I was not employed at the time. And even though my dad was so ill, and sometimes didn't even know I was there, I'll always cherish this time. It was probably the most difficult time of my life, but it was also very special. I needed to be with him, and be there for him, like he had been there for me all my life.
The healing has been a long, hard, painful road. There were days when I literally felt like screaming, and there were days when I cried for hours. These days don't come as often now, but they still occur occasionally.
Some of the things that have helped me through it are:
My relationship with God, lots of prayer and meditation
Allowing myself to lean on loved ones for support
Talking about my dad what I love about him, how bad I felt for him when he was ill, recounting funny stories about him, etc.
Writing poems and letters to him
Letting myself cry or feel sad when I need to
Honoring his memory by paying attention to things that were important to him for example, he loved to watch the birds in his back yard, so I put a feeder in my yard in his memory
Telling stories about him to his grandchildren so that his memory lasts forever
He always wanted to go to Alaska, so last spring, my husband and I took an Alaskan cruise. It sounds strange, but I almost felt like I was seeing it through his eyes.
Grief is one of the most difficult phases that we have to go through. The initial loss of a loved one is terrible, but as time goes by and life gets back to normal, we have to figure out how to live it without them. It's painful, and some days it seems like we'll never get better. But sooner or later we do, and the timetable is different for everyone. But a time will come when we will be able to think of the lost loved without sadness. The thoughts will make us smile with wonderful memories.
My description of how the healing works is: At first, it feels like there is a hole in your heart where that person used to be. As the healing progresses, the hole remains, but its rough edges seem to become smoother. There will always be a place for them in your heart, but it just won't hurt so much.
My mother died at age 53, so she has been gone for most of my adult life.
My dad was 75 years old when he died so I consider myself lucky to have had lots of time with him. He was the kind of man that everyone loved. He was smart, funny, and he loved life. He didn't give advice unless asked, minded his own business, and lived by the saying, "What goes around comes around." He had an unexplainable calming effect on me. I could be having the worst of days, some huge life catastrophe, or trouble with the kids and just talking to him on the phone could calm me down. He was not only my dad. He was my wonderful friend and a source of strength for me. I miss him more than I could ever find the words to express.
He was diagnosed with cancer eighteen months before he passed away. I knew something was wrong because he had been looking thin and pale. I think he knew, too, but maybe just didn't want to hear it. There was no hope of curing his cancer, but the oncologist felt that he could get him a little more time with chemotherapy. Thankfully, my dad consented to the treatments because it gave us a little more time with him. We knew that a time would come that the treatments wouldn't help anymore, and that happened about six weeks before he died.
There was a five week hospital stay, during which I never left him. I was very fortunate to have a wonderful husband who understood the importance of my being with him and also fortunate that I was not employed at the time. And even though my dad was so ill, and sometimes didn't even know I was there, I'll always cherish this time. It was probably the most difficult time of my life, but it was also very special. I needed to be with him, and be there for him, like he had been there for me all my life.
The healing has been a long, hard, painful road. There were days when I literally felt like screaming, and there were days when I cried for hours. These days don't come as often now, but they still occur occasionally.
Some of the things that have helped me through it are:
My relationship with God, lots of prayer and meditation
Allowing myself to lean on loved ones for support
Talking about my dad what I love about him, how bad I felt for him when he was ill, recounting funny stories about him, etc.
Writing poems and letters to him
Letting myself cry or feel sad when I need to
Honoring his memory by paying attention to things that were important to him for example, he loved to watch the birds in his back yard, so I put a feeder in my yard in his memory
Telling stories about him to his grandchildren so that his memory lasts forever
He always wanted to go to Alaska, so last spring, my husband and I took an Alaskan cruise. It sounds strange, but I almost felt like I was seeing it through his eyes.
Grief is one of the most difficult phases that we have to go through. The initial loss of a loved one is terrible, but as time goes by and life gets back to normal, we have to figure out how to live it without them. It's painful, and some days it seems like we'll never get better. But sooner or later we do, and the timetable is different for everyone. But a time will come when we will be able to think of the lost loved without sadness. The thoughts will make us smile with wonderful memories.
My description of how the healing works is: At first, it feels like there is a hole in your heart where that person used to be. As the healing progresses, the hole remains, but its rough edges seem to become smoother. There will always be a place for them in your heart, but it just won't hurt so much.
Tribute to My Dad
When Father's Day comes around this year, it will be almost two years since my dad passed away. I wrote the following thoughts the day after he died:
My dad was an extraordinary man. With patience and wisdom beyond belief, he shaped countless lives, the lives of not only his own kids and grandkids, but also the lives of his friends and their kids. He possessed a quiet and gentle, yet tough and influential spirit that few men have. He was respected and loved by people of all ages. He didn't demand that people respect him, it just came naturally because of the kind of man he was. There was something special about him that made people listen when he talked.
He wasn't a sophisticated man, but he had more dignity than anyone I've ever known; not formally educated, but smarter than most. He was genuine and without pretense. He was always the same person no matter who he was with or what the situation was. Being completely comfortable with himself, he didn't feel that he had to put on airs or pretend to be something that he wasn't just to please others.
He loved the outdoors and enjoyed fishing and hunting and rock collecting, and he taught me to appreciate nature. Every year we'd load up the car and go on 2-week summer vacations. He'd spend all year planning and saving for the trip. Any man with courage enough to take off for 2 weeks in the car with four females (my mom, my two sisters, and me) deserves a medal! He loved the Rocky Mountains, so no matter where we went, even if it was east, we came home through Colorado.
He had the patience of a saint, from helping with homework to playing catch and coaching softball teams and teaching my sisters and me to swim and ride bikes, he was always there for us. But even a dad with patience can get to where he's had enough from time to time. For those times, he had what we called "THE LOOK." He didn't have to yell or threaten; he just got that look in his eyes and we knew that it was time to straighten up.
He believed very strongly in the philosophy of "what goes around, comes around," and he lived by it every day. It's amazing how his words and lessons and advice still influence me. Every time I even think about doing or saying something I shouldn't, I hear his voice in my head saying, "Remember! What goes around comes around."
As a grandfather, he was the best! He spent hours with the grandkids, fishing, hunting arrowheads, and teaching them about nature. All the kids loved to spend time with him. He entertained them with stories about "Shaggamoos" (an animal he invented) which are odd-looking, red-eyed creatures that live in trees and can only be seen at night. When the kids were with him, the shaggamoo hunts would start at dark and always end with a couple being spotted in the trees.
My dad was also a wonderful and loyal friend. He had a reputation for always being there for his friends when they needed him.. Some of his friends and neighbors have told me stories about how he would miraculously show up during times of crisis as if he somehow knew that he was needed. And he was right about "what goes around comes around" because when he got sick, all the good that he did came back to him with his friends doing everything possible to help him.
I was fortunate to have him with me for almost 50 years. I learned many important and unforgettable lessons from him, and I loved him with all my heart. When he first passed away, my thoughts of him were of his illness, when he felt so bad. But in the last few months, I have gotten past most of that, and when I think of him, I see him working in his garden, or sitting at a slot machine, or hunting arrowheads on the shore of the lake, always with his pipe in his mouth and a gleam in his eye.
My dad was an extraordinary man. With patience and wisdom beyond belief, he shaped countless lives, the lives of not only his own kids and grandkids, but also the lives of his friends and their kids. He possessed a quiet and gentle, yet tough and influential spirit that few men have. He was respected and loved by people of all ages. He didn't demand that people respect him, it just came naturally because of the kind of man he was. There was something special about him that made people listen when he talked.
He wasn't a sophisticated man, but he had more dignity than anyone I've ever known; not formally educated, but smarter than most. He was genuine and without pretense. He was always the same person no matter who he was with or what the situation was. Being completely comfortable with himself, he didn't feel that he had to put on airs or pretend to be something that he wasn't just to please others.
He loved the outdoors and enjoyed fishing and hunting and rock collecting, and he taught me to appreciate nature. Every year we'd load up the car and go on 2-week summer vacations. He'd spend all year planning and saving for the trip. Any man with courage enough to take off for 2 weeks in the car with four females (my mom, my two sisters, and me) deserves a medal! He loved the Rocky Mountains, so no matter where we went, even if it was east, we came home through Colorado.
He had the patience of a saint, from helping with homework to playing catch and coaching softball teams and teaching my sisters and me to swim and ride bikes, he was always there for us. But even a dad with patience can get to where he's had enough from time to time. For those times, he had what we called "THE LOOK." He didn't have to yell or threaten; he just got that look in his eyes and we knew that it was time to straighten up.
He believed very strongly in the philosophy of "what goes around, comes around," and he lived by it every day. It's amazing how his words and lessons and advice still influence me. Every time I even think about doing or saying something I shouldn't, I hear his voice in my head saying, "Remember! What goes around comes around."
As a grandfather, he was the best! He spent hours with the grandkids, fishing, hunting arrowheads, and teaching them about nature. All the kids loved to spend time with him. He entertained them with stories about "Shaggamoos" (an animal he invented) which are odd-looking, red-eyed creatures that live in trees and can only be seen at night. When the kids were with him, the shaggamoo hunts would start at dark and always end with a couple being spotted in the trees.
My dad was also a wonderful and loyal friend. He had a reputation for always being there for his friends when they needed him.. Some of his friends and neighbors have told me stories about how he would miraculously show up during times of crisis as if he somehow knew that he was needed. And he was right about "what goes around comes around" because when he got sick, all the good that he did came back to him with his friends doing everything possible to help him.
I was fortunate to have him with me for almost 50 years. I learned many important and unforgettable lessons from him, and I loved him with all my heart. When he first passed away, my thoughts of him were of his illness, when he felt so bad. But in the last few months, I have gotten past most of that, and when I think of him, I see him working in his garden, or sitting at a slot machine, or hunting arrowheads on the shore of the lake, always with his pipe in his mouth and a gleam in his eye.
Achieving Inner Peace
Inner peace is something that we all strive for but few achieve. It's virtually impossible to feel a sense of peace and contentment in today's world. Everyone is in a hurry, and very few folks take the time to slow down and enjoy life. I call this living on autopilot. We are going through the motions, doing everything that needs to be done, but we are also missing the point. We are not here to simply go through the motions. We're here to learn, gain wisdom, help ourselves and others, and enjoy life.
Life is never a smooth journey. If it were, there would be no opportunities to learn and gain wisdom. There are problems to be solved, careers to be advanced, meals to cook, and laundry to be done. In addition to life's everyday obstacles, most of us have bigger situations to cope with. Many are caring for an elderly parent, going through financial difficulties, battling illness, caring for a child with special needs, and any number of other unique missions.
But when we find inner peace, we are able to gracefully navigate life's everyday problems as well as the larger ones. My definition of inner peace is "a feeling of contentment and calm that resides within." It cannot be destroyed by life's troubles. If we have inner peace, it doesn't mean that life will be easy, or that there will be no problems, it simply means that we will be able to cope easier with whatever life brings.
The things that have helped me find inner peace and calm are simple ideas, but not easy to practice. The more I practice, the easier it gets, though, and the better I feel.
Prayer/meditation. Never losing contact with my God is essential to my feeling calm and peaceful.
Forgive. Holding on to anger and resentment wastes valuable energy and only hurts me. The person I'm angry with has already moved on.
Love. Loving without condition brings joy that will lead to inner peace and contentment. Through the years, I have learned to take special care of my relationships with others, as well as my relationship with myself.
Time for me. Taking 30 minutes out of every day to do something nice for myself is essential. When I don't take this time, I find myself feeling resentful and tired.
Deal with anxiety immediately. When I start to feel anxiety it is important to take a few minutes to be quiet and be still, just relax and let the calm feeling back in.
Be authentic. In the past, I spent time trying to please others and essentially trying to be something that I was not. To have inner peace, it is imperative that I accept myself as I am and not try to impress others, put on airs, or generally be anything other than me.
Laugh. Although laughter doesn't solve life's problems, it always brings me a much needed reprieve from the drudgery. It's essential to a peaceful, joyful life because it helps counteract the difficulty of life's troubles.
Practice gratitude. We hear this often, but many never actually take the time to make a gratitude list. When I make a conscious effort to be grateful for all I have, it helps me gain a feeling of inner contentment.
Live in today. Few things can rob me of my inner peace faster than fretting over something I did or didn't do yesterday, or something I have to do tomorrow. If I live only in today, I have more focus and energy for the task at hand.
Stay out of the business of others. I can literally feel my level of inner peace decreasing when I start to get into the affairs of others. Regular reminders to myself that I need to run my own life and let others do the same are helpful.
This is a long list, and it's important to note that I didn't start living by these principles all at once. It has taken me many years to reach the goal of inner peace, but now that I know what it feels like, I'll never go back to the chaos.
Life is never a smooth journey. If it were, there would be no opportunities to learn and gain wisdom. There are problems to be solved, careers to be advanced, meals to cook, and laundry to be done. In addition to life's everyday obstacles, most of us have bigger situations to cope with. Many are caring for an elderly parent, going through financial difficulties, battling illness, caring for a child with special needs, and any number of other unique missions.
But when we find inner peace, we are able to gracefully navigate life's everyday problems as well as the larger ones. My definition of inner peace is "a feeling of contentment and calm that resides within." It cannot be destroyed by life's troubles. If we have inner peace, it doesn't mean that life will be easy, or that there will be no problems, it simply means that we will be able to cope easier with whatever life brings.
The things that have helped me find inner peace and calm are simple ideas, but not easy to practice. The more I practice, the easier it gets, though, and the better I feel.
Prayer/meditation. Never losing contact with my God is essential to my feeling calm and peaceful.
Forgive. Holding on to anger and resentment wastes valuable energy and only hurts me. The person I'm angry with has already moved on.
Love. Loving without condition brings joy that will lead to inner peace and contentment. Through the years, I have learned to take special care of my relationships with others, as well as my relationship with myself.
Time for me. Taking 30 minutes out of every day to do something nice for myself is essential. When I don't take this time, I find myself feeling resentful and tired.
Deal with anxiety immediately. When I start to feel anxiety it is important to take a few minutes to be quiet and be still, just relax and let the calm feeling back in.
Be authentic. In the past, I spent time trying to please others and essentially trying to be something that I was not. To have inner peace, it is imperative that I accept myself as I am and not try to impress others, put on airs, or generally be anything other than me.
Laugh. Although laughter doesn't solve life's problems, it always brings me a much needed reprieve from the drudgery. It's essential to a peaceful, joyful life because it helps counteract the difficulty of life's troubles.
Practice gratitude. We hear this often, but many never actually take the time to make a gratitude list. When I make a conscious effort to be grateful for all I have, it helps me gain a feeling of inner contentment.
Live in today. Few things can rob me of my inner peace faster than fretting over something I did or didn't do yesterday, or something I have to do tomorrow. If I live only in today, I have more focus and energy for the task at hand.
Stay out of the business of others. I can literally feel my level of inner peace decreasing when I start to get into the affairs of others. Regular reminders to myself that I need to run my own life and let others do the same are helpful.
This is a long list, and it's important to note that I didn't start living by these principles all at once. It has taken me many years to reach the goal of inner peace, but now that I know what it feels like, I'll never go back to the chaos.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Avoiding Regrets in Relationships with Loved Ones
To avoid regrets in relationships with loved ones, it is necessary to stay right with them at all times. There are a few very simple ways to accomplish this. One of the most important things is to never say hateful or cruel things in haste or anger. Once spoken, words hang in the air forever. They never disappear, and they can never be taken back. The recipient of the words might decide to forgive you, but they will never be able to forget the destructive things you said or the pain that was caused by the hateful words.
Another very important way to avoid regret is to make it a point to tell your loved ones how you feel about them on a regular basis. Do not ever assume that you don't need to tell them because they already know. Maybe they do know, but it is impossible to tell a person that you love them too many times. And, if there are specific things about them that you love or admire, never miss an opportunity to tell them. This is an easy thing to do, and it makes everyone feel great.
In addition, stay in touch with everyone you love. It can be very difficult to find the time to call and visit friends and family, but it is imperative. Spend as much time with them as possible, and when you can't see them, call them.
Also, be patient with loved ones. There are times when a family member or friend might be getting on your nerves. Everyone can be annoying at times; we all have our moments. Do your best not to let them see how you feel because they would, or already have, tolerated you when you were annoying them.
It's also important to never leave someone you love in a fit of anger. Many people get angry and storm out, slam the door, and leave. There is no guarantee that you will ever get back to the loved one to make up with them. It sounds drastic, maybe even morbid, but you don't want that to be yours, or their, last memory.
Remember that no one knows what the future holds, and no one is guaranteed another chance or a certain amount of time. Stay right with everyone you love all the time, and you'll never have to live with regrets in your relationships.
Another very important way to avoid regret is to make it a point to tell your loved ones how you feel about them on a regular basis. Do not ever assume that you don't need to tell them because they already know. Maybe they do know, but it is impossible to tell a person that you love them too many times. And, if there are specific things about them that you love or admire, never miss an opportunity to tell them. This is an easy thing to do, and it makes everyone feel great.
In addition, stay in touch with everyone you love. It can be very difficult to find the time to call and visit friends and family, but it is imperative. Spend as much time with them as possible, and when you can't see them, call them.
Also, be patient with loved ones. There are times when a family member or friend might be getting on your nerves. Everyone can be annoying at times; we all have our moments. Do your best not to let them see how you feel because they would, or already have, tolerated you when you were annoying them.
It's also important to never leave someone you love in a fit of anger. Many people get angry and storm out, slam the door, and leave. There is no guarantee that you will ever get back to the loved one to make up with them. It sounds drastic, maybe even morbid, but you don't want that to be yours, or their, last memory.
Remember that no one knows what the future holds, and no one is guaranteed another chance or a certain amount of time. Stay right with everyone you love all the time, and you'll never have to live with regrets in your relationships.
Humor: Truth
We all claim to want to know the truth in every situation, but do we really? I think that it actually depends on what that truth is. I sincerely believe that most of us may be guilty of Jack Nicholson's character's accusation of Tom Cruise's character in "A Few Good Men" when he says, "You can't handle the truth."
For example, a friend of mine was dating a new guy recently, and she really wanted me to meet him. She had been telling me for a few weeks how great and smart and wonderful he was. I was hesitant, but I agreed to meet them for dinner anyway. I wasn't sure how I would handle it if I didn't see the same wonderful qualities that she did, but I took a chance because it was important to my friend.
It turned out that I wasn't quite as impressed with him as my friend was. He talked about himself for two solid hours and stared at every other woman that walked by, but my friend didn't seem to notice. When she called me the next day to ask what I thought of him, I said, "Uh, uh, he's surely interesting, isn't he? And he's tall, too." I lied about the interesting part, but I was certain that she would figure him out after a couple more dates.
Another recent example is when I asked a good friend, "Do these jeans make my butt look big?" Did I really want to know the truth? No way! I wanted her to lie to me if she must, and any true friend would know this. I can just imagine a world where friends were always truthful with each other. "Do these jeans make my butt look big?" Then comes the answer, "Oh my gosh, I thought you'd never ask. You look like Jared before the Subway diet!" Is this what I wanted to hear? Not so much.
But now that my friend has told me that I do indeed look fat in my new jeans, I decide to get a new hairstyle and color. That should make me feel better. When I get finished at the salon, I'm feeling pretty good about my new look, so I go to that same friend's house to show off the changes. That was my first mistake. Immediately after she opens the door, I sense a certain discomfort. I can see a look of dread on her face. She knows that I'm going to ask her if she likes my new cut and color, and she's trying to figure out how she is going to answer the question. That's when I make my second mistake. I ask her, "What do you think of my new haircut and color?" Then I blow it by adding, "Now be completely honest." When will I ever learn?
For example, a friend of mine was dating a new guy recently, and she really wanted me to meet him. She had been telling me for a few weeks how great and smart and wonderful he was. I was hesitant, but I agreed to meet them for dinner anyway. I wasn't sure how I would handle it if I didn't see the same wonderful qualities that she did, but I took a chance because it was important to my friend.
It turned out that I wasn't quite as impressed with him as my friend was. He talked about himself for two solid hours and stared at every other woman that walked by, but my friend didn't seem to notice. When she called me the next day to ask what I thought of him, I said, "Uh, uh, he's surely interesting, isn't he? And he's tall, too." I lied about the interesting part, but I was certain that she would figure him out after a couple more dates.
Another recent example is when I asked a good friend, "Do these jeans make my butt look big?" Did I really want to know the truth? No way! I wanted her to lie to me if she must, and any true friend would know this. I can just imagine a world where friends were always truthful with each other. "Do these jeans make my butt look big?" Then comes the answer, "Oh my gosh, I thought you'd never ask. You look like Jared before the Subway diet!" Is this what I wanted to hear? Not so much.
But now that my friend has told me that I do indeed look fat in my new jeans, I decide to get a new hairstyle and color. That should make me feel better. When I get finished at the salon, I'm feeling pretty good about my new look, so I go to that same friend's house to show off the changes. That was my first mistake. Immediately after she opens the door, I sense a certain discomfort. I can see a look of dread on her face. She knows that I'm going to ask her if she likes my new cut and color, and she's trying to figure out how she is going to answer the question. That's when I make my second mistake. I ask her, "What do you think of my new haircut and color?" Then I blow it by adding, "Now be completely honest." When will I ever learn?
Take Responsibility for Your Own Actions
I am growing increasingly tired of people blaming others for their problems. It makes no sense to me that they cannot simply face the consequences of their own behavior without having to place blame.
There are people who are so busy throwing blame around that they never have a chance to learn or grown from their mistakes. There are thirty and forty year old adults still blaming their parents for everything that is wrong in their lives. If it happens that they can't afford to pay their bills, it is because their parents didn't teach them how to manage money. If they turn out not to be good parents themselves, it isn't their fault. It is because their parents spanked them or didn't encourage them enough. When they have trouble finding a good job, they blame their parents for not forcing them to go to college. It seems that no matter what ails them, they can find a way to blame their parents, or at least someone other than themselves. I have to wonder how long they can continue to justify blaming their upbringing for all their shortcomings. At what age does it become their responsibility?
Parents whose high school children can't read or write blame the school. They are not willing to allow for the possibility that it could be, at least partially, their own fault. Where were they and what were they doing when the child was in elementary school? Maybe if they had been paying attention, reading to the child, and letting the child read to them, they would have noticed that there was a problem.
Even worse, there are criminals blaming society because they commit heinous crimes. They commit robbery because somehow society prevents them from finding a job. They are, therefore, forced to steal. Some commit rape because the victim was wearing a short skirt or a low cut blouse. It's her fault; she asked for it.
Someone murders another human being, but it isn't his/her fault. It's because their parents got a divorce when they were young, or they had a parent who went to prison. Some of these people even try to blame it on God!
There are countless excuses to be made for everything from minor infractions to rape and murder, and a scapegoat can always be found. But I have to hope that one day these people will learn to take responsibility for themselves and for their own behavior.
I also hope that some day the world will stop accepting excuses and start holding people accountable for their actions.
There are people who are so busy throwing blame around that they never have a chance to learn or grown from their mistakes. There are thirty and forty year old adults still blaming their parents for everything that is wrong in their lives. If it happens that they can't afford to pay their bills, it is because their parents didn't teach them how to manage money. If they turn out not to be good parents themselves, it isn't their fault. It is because their parents spanked them or didn't encourage them enough. When they have trouble finding a good job, they blame their parents for not forcing them to go to college. It seems that no matter what ails them, they can find a way to blame their parents, or at least someone other than themselves. I have to wonder how long they can continue to justify blaming their upbringing for all their shortcomings. At what age does it become their responsibility?
Parents whose high school children can't read or write blame the school. They are not willing to allow for the possibility that it could be, at least partially, their own fault. Where were they and what were they doing when the child was in elementary school? Maybe if they had been paying attention, reading to the child, and letting the child read to them, they would have noticed that there was a problem.
Even worse, there are criminals blaming society because they commit heinous crimes. They commit robbery because somehow society prevents them from finding a job. They are, therefore, forced to steal. Some commit rape because the victim was wearing a short skirt or a low cut blouse. It's her fault; she asked for it.
Someone murders another human being, but it isn't his/her fault. It's because their parents got a divorce when they were young, or they had a parent who went to prison. Some of these people even try to blame it on God!
There are countless excuses to be made for everything from minor infractions to rape and murder, and a scapegoat can always be found. But I have to hope that one day these people will learn to take responsibility for themselves and for their own behavior.
I also hope that some day the world will stop accepting excuses and start holding people accountable for their actions.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
The Importance of Silence
“All men’s miseries derive from not being able to sit quietly in a room.” Blaise Pascal
I learned what I call “the art of silence” from my father. He was completely comfortable with silence, and he taught me to be comfortable with it as well. It is a necessity for me to sit in silence for at least fifteen minutes every day, and I will do whatever I have to in order to accomplish it.
Silence is a necessary element to a peaceful and serene lifestyle. It is restorative and relaxing, and it gives me an opportunity to reflect on what is good in my life and what needs to be changed. It gives me a chance concentrate on all that I have to be grateful for, helps keep me centered, and provides a chance to simply let my mind wander. When the chaos of everyday life begins to make me feel edgy and irritable, silence is the perfect antidote.
In addition, being quiet also provides time for prayer and meditation. Silence is the best condition in which to communicate with God because His voice is subtle and sometimes difficult to hear amid the chaos. If I will just sit quietly and listen, He will always tell me what to do in times of struggle or hardship, and in the silence He will give me the comfort to cope with it.
Sadly, many folks do not know how to be silent, and many do not like silence at all. They are uncomfortable when it gets too quiet, and they feel that they have to erase it with mindless chatter, noise from the television, or anything else that will fill the void. Of course, there are always those chosen few with whom we feel more comfortable sharing silence. For example, when we first meet someone, it is quite uncomfortable and awkward when the conversation lags. Both parties are quickly trying to think of something to talk about. But, it shouldn’t be this way with our family or close friends. We should be able to comfortably share quiet times with them.
There are also those people who are uncomfortable with silence when they are alone. Maybe they don’t like it because there is nothing to focus on except for their own thoughts. Self-reflection is difficult for some, especially when they have problems they do not want to face or feelings of guilt that they do not want to admit. Silence sometimes forces us to hear the noise going on in our own minds, and it is not always pleasant. But in order to grow, we must hear that noise and resolve it.
I learned what I call “the art of silence” from my father. He was completely comfortable with silence, and he taught me to be comfortable with it as well. It is a necessity for me to sit in silence for at least fifteen minutes every day, and I will do whatever I have to in order to accomplish it.
Silence is a necessary element to a peaceful and serene lifestyle. It is restorative and relaxing, and it gives me an opportunity to reflect on what is good in my life and what needs to be changed. It gives me a chance concentrate on all that I have to be grateful for, helps keep me centered, and provides a chance to simply let my mind wander. When the chaos of everyday life begins to make me feel edgy and irritable, silence is the perfect antidote.
In addition, being quiet also provides time for prayer and meditation. Silence is the best condition in which to communicate with God because His voice is subtle and sometimes difficult to hear amid the chaos. If I will just sit quietly and listen, He will always tell me what to do in times of struggle or hardship, and in the silence He will give me the comfort to cope with it.
Sadly, many folks do not know how to be silent, and many do not like silence at all. They are uncomfortable when it gets too quiet, and they feel that they have to erase it with mindless chatter, noise from the television, or anything else that will fill the void. Of course, there are always those chosen few with whom we feel more comfortable sharing silence. For example, when we first meet someone, it is quite uncomfortable and awkward when the conversation lags. Both parties are quickly trying to think of something to talk about. But, it shouldn’t be this way with our family or close friends. We should be able to comfortably share quiet times with them.
There are also those people who are uncomfortable with silence when they are alone. Maybe they don’t like it because there is nothing to focus on except for their own thoughts. Self-reflection is difficult for some, especially when they have problems they do not want to face or feelings of guilt that they do not want to admit. Silence sometimes forces us to hear the noise going on in our own minds, and it is not always pleasant. But in order to grow, we must hear that noise and resolve it.
Humor: Knowing Everything
It was so nice while it lasted – that period of time between my 13th birthday and my 20th one. Those were the wonderful years during which I knew everything about everything. All anyone had to do was ask me. I was happy to tell them what was right, how they should feel, and what they should do in any given situation. I knew more than my parents, more than my teachers, more than everyone else. I was the smartest person in the world. I had an opinion on everything, and I was certain that everyone not only wanted to hear my opinion, but they should also agree with it.
Looking back, I have no idea how anyone could stand to be around me, and I surely can’t see why anyone would have wanted to have a conversation with me! I know now that I was an arrogant, but very normal, little brat who knew nothing. This “know-it-all” disease seems to affect almost all teenagers. But no one could have convinced me back then that I didn’t know even 5% of what I thought I knew. I was so far gone that I even pointed out to my best friend’s father that his parenting skills needed improvement.
What happened, though, to all that knowledge? It mysteriously disappeared when I was about 21 years old, when I started the adventure of real life. Real life, with real problems and real responsibilities, knocked me on my tail. It was quite a rude awakening finding out that I wasn’t the all-knowing person I had believed I was. I quickly realized that I barely knew anything, and I definitely didn’t have all the answers for my problems and certainly not for anyone else’s problems. I was so accustomed to having things go my way, or being able to manipulate them into going my way that it never occurred to me that life would ever be any different. That is, until I started living in the real world, on my own, with husband, children, job, house, and the rest of the complications that adult life brings.
I don’t understand what it is about those teenage years that make us feel that we are so smart, that we are never wrong, and that everyone else is stupid. Maybe it’s just that we have to go through thinking that we have all the answers to learn that we actually know very little. One of my favorite Don Henley songs, “Heart of the Matter,” contains the following line: “Everything I thought I’d figured out, I have to learn again.” This is the perfect description of how it feels when you come out of that teenage fog of imagined intelligence.
I am now in my fifties. I still do not have all the answers, and I still do not know everything. The difference now is that I am glad to admit it. I enjoy hearing differing viewpoints before deciding my stance on an issue. My mind is finally open now, which only comes with the ability to admit that there could possibly be other views besides my own. When I thought I knew everything, I wouldn’t have allowed for other viewpoints because it meant that I might not be right!
Looking back, I have no idea how anyone could stand to be around me, and I surely can’t see why anyone would have wanted to have a conversation with me! I know now that I was an arrogant, but very normal, little brat who knew nothing. This “know-it-all” disease seems to affect almost all teenagers. But no one could have convinced me back then that I didn’t know even 5% of what I thought I knew. I was so far gone that I even pointed out to my best friend’s father that his parenting skills needed improvement.
What happened, though, to all that knowledge? It mysteriously disappeared when I was about 21 years old, when I started the adventure of real life. Real life, with real problems and real responsibilities, knocked me on my tail. It was quite a rude awakening finding out that I wasn’t the all-knowing person I had believed I was. I quickly realized that I barely knew anything, and I definitely didn’t have all the answers for my problems and certainly not for anyone else’s problems. I was so accustomed to having things go my way, or being able to manipulate them into going my way that it never occurred to me that life would ever be any different. That is, until I started living in the real world, on my own, with husband, children, job, house, and the rest of the complications that adult life brings.
I don’t understand what it is about those teenage years that make us feel that we are so smart, that we are never wrong, and that everyone else is stupid. Maybe it’s just that we have to go through thinking that we have all the answers to learn that we actually know very little. One of my favorite Don Henley songs, “Heart of the Matter,” contains the following line: “Everything I thought I’d figured out, I have to learn again.” This is the perfect description of how it feels when you come out of that teenage fog of imagined intelligence.
I am now in my fifties. I still do not have all the answers, and I still do not know everything. The difference now is that I am glad to admit it. I enjoy hearing differing viewpoints before deciding my stance on an issue. My mind is finally open now, which only comes with the ability to admit that there could possibly be other views besides my own. When I thought I knew everything, I wouldn’t have allowed for other viewpoints because it meant that I might not be right!
Be Kind To Yourself
So often, my friends say things like, “I just never feel good anymore,” or “I’m always tired,” or “I never have any free time.” My questions for them are, “What do you do to take care of yourself?” “Are you kind to yourself?” “What do you do that is for you and you alone?” Unfortunately, the answer is usually something like, “I don’t have time to be kind to myself,” or “I have too much to do to take time for myself.”
I understand completely. It is difficult to find any extra time, and when we do, we feel like we should be doing things like cleaning, ironing, and all the other fun things that go with being a responsible adult. Between the spouse, the kids, the job, the housework, cooking, laundry – I could go on and on – we do well just to make it to work each day in clean clothes!
Through the years, though, I have realized that if something is truly important to me, I will find the time for it. So, if I am important to myself, I will make time to be kind to myself.
So, to be kind to yourself, make yourself a priority. An added incentive to this, besides how much better you will feel, is that your life will become smoother and calmer. Your family will like being with you more, and you’ll do a better job at work. This is because you will feel better, not so pressured and hurried all the time. In learning how to be kind to yourself, you will learn to relax, and everyone likes a relaxed person more than a chaos-driven maniac!
The next time you feel like going shopping or to the movie or out to dinner alone, do it! If you want to sit outside and read or watch the birds for an hour, go on out! Listen to that inner voice that is telling you that it is time to be kind to yourself.
I know that this sounds difficult, and it took me years to learn to do it. I learned it the hard way, which I think may be the only way I can learn anything. I had a wonderful doctor who tried to tell me to be good to myself and take time for myself and get more rest when I was in my twenties. He reminded me that I spent a certain amount of time at work and a certain amount taking care of my spouse and children and household. Then he asked me what amount I spent being kind to myself. My answer was a definitive “zero” because there was no time left over after taking care of everyone else. He bluntly told me that I better find a way to take care of myself or face a nervous breakdown. This frightened me enough that I did start insisting on some “me time,” and I was diligent about it for a few months. Then I got right back into my old self-sacrificing rut and wallowed there for a few more years.
One day I found myself in such a state of depression that all I could do was cry. I realized, with the help of a therapist, that there were many things in my life that had to change, and 99% of them had to do with me. I made a list and got started. (I make lists for everything!) At the top of my list was that I had to start being good to myself. And I did. Progress was slow at first because it was a completely new behavior for me. But I learned quickly, and I believe that everyone in my life has benefited by the change because I’m happier, easier to live with, and I am no longer a self-sacrificing martyr. I am kind to me, and as a result, kinder to others.
I understand completely. It is difficult to find any extra time, and when we do, we feel like we should be doing things like cleaning, ironing, and all the other fun things that go with being a responsible adult. Between the spouse, the kids, the job, the housework, cooking, laundry – I could go on and on – we do well just to make it to work each day in clean clothes!
Through the years, though, I have realized that if something is truly important to me, I will find the time for it. So, if I am important to myself, I will make time to be kind to myself.
So, to be kind to yourself, make yourself a priority. An added incentive to this, besides how much better you will feel, is that your life will become smoother and calmer. Your family will like being with you more, and you’ll do a better job at work. This is because you will feel better, not so pressured and hurried all the time. In learning how to be kind to yourself, you will learn to relax, and everyone likes a relaxed person more than a chaos-driven maniac!
The next time you feel like going shopping or to the movie or out to dinner alone, do it! If you want to sit outside and read or watch the birds for an hour, go on out! Listen to that inner voice that is telling you that it is time to be kind to yourself.
I know that this sounds difficult, and it took me years to learn to do it. I learned it the hard way, which I think may be the only way I can learn anything. I had a wonderful doctor who tried to tell me to be good to myself and take time for myself and get more rest when I was in my twenties. He reminded me that I spent a certain amount of time at work and a certain amount taking care of my spouse and children and household. Then he asked me what amount I spent being kind to myself. My answer was a definitive “zero” because there was no time left over after taking care of everyone else. He bluntly told me that I better find a way to take care of myself or face a nervous breakdown. This frightened me enough that I did start insisting on some “me time,” and I was diligent about it for a few months. Then I got right back into my old self-sacrificing rut and wallowed there for a few more years.
One day I found myself in such a state of depression that all I could do was cry. I realized, with the help of a therapist, that there were many things in my life that had to change, and 99% of them had to do with me. I made a list and got started. (I make lists for everything!) At the top of my list was that I had to start being good to myself. And I did. Progress was slow at first because it was a completely new behavior for me. But I learned quickly, and I believe that everyone in my life has benefited by the change because I’m happier, easier to live with, and I am no longer a self-sacrificing martyr. I am kind to me, and as a result, kinder to others.
Humor: Money Doesn't Buy Happiness, Or Does It?
I guess it’s true that money doesn’t buy happiness, but I think a new Coach purse would go a long way in making me feel better. Of course, I’ve never had the kind of money it would take to know whether it could buy happiness or not, but to be honest, I wouldn’t mind the chance to find out. I’ve been hearing this saying all my life, and I would welcome the opportunity to debunk the myth.
I suspect that the saying was started as a way of making regular folks feel better about not having money, a way of making ourselves appear to be so much more enlightened than the rich people. It’s our way of saying to them that we might not have money, but we also don’t have the problems that go along with it.
Just once, I wouldn’t mind having some of those problems. Wouldn’t it be awful to have that annoying decision of which charitable organization to donate a boatload of money to? Or, God forbid, I would hate to have to worry about whether the trip to Europe was a deductible expense or not. And I know it would make me feel so bad having to decide whether to buy a summer home in Aspen or Hawaii or on Martha’s Vineyard. And my goodness, how would I ever decide what kind of car to drive, a Bentley or a Rolls-Royce or a Ferrari? How would I ever deal with all of these problems?
Let’s face it wouldn’t it be nice to go shopping and not have to check the price tags of everything before we try it on? Or, how would it be to go out for dinner sometimes and not feel like we have to order the least expensive dish on the menu, and even order dessert without feeling guilty? What if we didn’t have to worry about how we can fill the car with gas and buy groceries in the same week?
I can’t speak for everyone else, but the problems of being rich don’t sound all that terrible to me. I have a feeling that they are problems I could learn to live with if I tried really hard!
I suspect that the saying was started as a way of making regular folks feel better about not having money, a way of making ourselves appear to be so much more enlightened than the rich people. It’s our way of saying to them that we might not have money, but we also don’t have the problems that go along with it.
Just once, I wouldn’t mind having some of those problems. Wouldn’t it be awful to have that annoying decision of which charitable organization to donate a boatload of money to? Or, God forbid, I would hate to have to worry about whether the trip to Europe was a deductible expense or not. And I know it would make me feel so bad having to decide whether to buy a summer home in Aspen or Hawaii or on Martha’s Vineyard. And my goodness, how would I ever decide what kind of car to drive, a Bentley or a Rolls-Royce or a Ferrari? How would I ever deal with all of these problems?
Let’s face it wouldn’t it be nice to go shopping and not have to check the price tags of everything before we try it on? Or, how would it be to go out for dinner sometimes and not feel like we have to order the least expensive dish on the menu, and even order dessert without feeling guilty? What if we didn’t have to worry about how we can fill the car with gas and buy groceries in the same week?
I can’t speak for everyone else, but the problems of being rich don’t sound all that terrible to me. I have a feeling that they are problems I could learn to live with if I tried really hard!
Monday, March 24, 2008
Mother/Daughter Relationships
Mothers and daughters go through phases in their relationship where at times, they are the best of friends, and at other times, they can’t agree on a single issue.
I remember that when I was young, my mother was my best friend. She was my source of comfort and well being, and she always knew exactly how to make me feel better. She was also my biggest fan and encouraged me in everything I attempted. She never talked down to me, and I sought her advice on many topics. She was, in my eyes, the smartest woman that ever lived. She had all the qualities of a best friend.
A few years later, though, when I reached the age of 16-17, my attitude changed. Of course I still loved my mom, but I no longer felt like sharing everything with her, and I didn’t agree with her all the time like I had when I was younger. And for the next 2-3 years, she was the “mom.” In retrospect, I know that there were times during that period that I would see a glimpse of our old relationship. We would still occasionally have talks like before, and laugh about things, but not as often. I didn’t even realize that this change was taking place at the time. I just knew that I had my friends from school that I discussed everything with now.
Looking back, I understand that this was just part of the process of me becoming who I am, growing toward adulthood. My mother, in her wisdom, knew what was happening, and she had the courage and the grace to stand back and allow it. I cannot imagine how difficult that must have been.
By the time I reached the age of 20, my mother was my best friend again. She really always was, I just didn’t get it! I talked to her nearly every day, sought her advice on matters with my children, problems at work, and any number of life’s daily problems. She was very wise, and almost always had a good idea to share with me.
Unfortunately, she died at a young age, and I lost my mom/best friend when I was 29 years old. Over 20 years have passed, and sometimes I still catch myself thinking that I need to call her when something important happens. I guess that’s how it is with really true friends – you never become accustomed to not talking to them.
The great thing, though, is that when you have a friend like that, they are always with you in a way -- a part of them lives on in the people that they loved. I can still hear many of the things my mom, my best friend, shared with me, and I’ll treasure that forever.
I remember that when I was young, my mother was my best friend. She was my source of comfort and well being, and she always knew exactly how to make me feel better. She was also my biggest fan and encouraged me in everything I attempted. She never talked down to me, and I sought her advice on many topics. She was, in my eyes, the smartest woman that ever lived. She had all the qualities of a best friend.
A few years later, though, when I reached the age of 16-17, my attitude changed. Of course I still loved my mom, but I no longer felt like sharing everything with her, and I didn’t agree with her all the time like I had when I was younger. And for the next 2-3 years, she was the “mom.” In retrospect, I know that there were times during that period that I would see a glimpse of our old relationship. We would still occasionally have talks like before, and laugh about things, but not as often. I didn’t even realize that this change was taking place at the time. I just knew that I had my friends from school that I discussed everything with now.
Looking back, I understand that this was just part of the process of me becoming who I am, growing toward adulthood. My mother, in her wisdom, knew what was happening, and she had the courage and the grace to stand back and allow it. I cannot imagine how difficult that must have been.
By the time I reached the age of 20, my mother was my best friend again. She really always was, I just didn’t get it! I talked to her nearly every day, sought her advice on matters with my children, problems at work, and any number of life’s daily problems. She was very wise, and almost always had a good idea to share with me.
Unfortunately, she died at a young age, and I lost my mom/best friend when I was 29 years old. Over 20 years have passed, and sometimes I still catch myself thinking that I need to call her when something important happens. I guess that’s how it is with really true friends – you never become accustomed to not talking to them.
The great thing, though, is that when you have a friend like that, they are always with you in a way -- a part of them lives on in the people that they loved. I can still hear many of the things my mom, my best friend, shared with me, and I’ll treasure that forever.
Self Esteem Basics
When asked to describe themselves, most people tend to start listing the things they would like to change – their “less desirable qualities.” In addition, they tend to list the “outside characteristics” focusing on weight issues or any number of things that they do not like about the way they look. These are the traits that most people seem to focus on. To be sure, everyone has some negative characteristics. Without those, we would not be human. People are not perfect. But it is important to remember the good qualities, too, and even learn to list those before the not-so-good ones. Additionally, it is good to remember that needing to lose ten pounds or having wrinkles or gray hair does not make us bad people. It is the person inside that matters.
It is not boastful to know, or even to say that you have nice qualities. Everyone has good qualities that they should feel good about and be proud of. Of course, there is no need to shout from the rooftop that we are kind or compassionate or thoughtful or smart, because at that point it has become arrogance. But it is good to know in our own hearts that we have goodness inside us. There should be a balance between the good traits and the negative ones.
In society much emphasis is placed on self-confidence and self-esteem, but society can give us no help in attaining them. It actually does more to rob us of our self-esteem with the fantasy ads featuring thin, beautiful people with money and perfect lives. But we can only learn to like ourselves by being completely honest when assessing our traits. We must see ourselves as we truly are – human beings with many wonderful qualities and numerous flaws.
To help focus on the positive, make a list of your assets – are you courteous, generous, helpful? Are you a good wife/husband, a good mother/father? Are you loyal, a good friend, a good listener? Do you enjoy helping others? Think about this, and make that list so that the next time you are asked to describe yourself you can give an accurate description.
It is not boastful to know, or even to say that you have nice qualities. Everyone has good qualities that they should feel good about and be proud of. Of course, there is no need to shout from the rooftop that we are kind or compassionate or thoughtful or smart, because at that point it has become arrogance. But it is good to know in our own hearts that we have goodness inside us. There should be a balance between the good traits and the negative ones.
In society much emphasis is placed on self-confidence and self-esteem, but society can give us no help in attaining them. It actually does more to rob us of our self-esteem with the fantasy ads featuring thin, beautiful people with money and perfect lives. But we can only learn to like ourselves by being completely honest when assessing our traits. We must see ourselves as we truly are – human beings with many wonderful qualities and numerous flaws.
To help focus on the positive, make a list of your assets – are you courteous, generous, helpful? Are you a good wife/husband, a good mother/father? Are you loyal, a good friend, a good listener? Do you enjoy helping others? Think about this, and make that list so that the next time you are asked to describe yourself you can give an accurate description.
Letting Go of Anger
“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger…Ephesians 4:31.
If you hold grudges, hold on to anger like it is your shield, and clutch past hurts to your chest and dare anyone to take them away, you are only hurting yourself. There is a better way to live – with peace and contentment and acceptance.
I have done all the destructive things associated with anger and resentment. I was angry with so many people that I couldn’t even list them all. But if I had tried to make a list, my own name would have been at the top – in bold, capital letters. I often felt consumed with anger – mad at everything from people to cancer to addiction, and everything in between.
The realization that anger was ruling my life came to me suddenly one day when I was busy feeling sorry for myself over some insignificant comment that someone had made. Something (I believe that it was God) made me see that I was wasting my time and energy on the most negative of emotions. It’s true that many difficult things had happened in my life, and anger was an understandable reaction, but it was time to let it go. I then set myself on a path to do so.
The first thing I learned when I began to try to make sense of and get rid of the anger was one of the most important lessons I’ve ever learned. My anger was not hurting anyone but me. It had chipped away at all the good things in my life until they were almost non-existent. My heart was getting hard, and I had little compassion for anyone. I had lost the ability to empathize or sympathize with others. I felt bad, almost physically ill, most of the time. I had physical pain and emotional pain. My relationship with God had deteriorated to me telling Him how bad my life was on a daily basis.
The next thing that happened is that God sent me help in the form of a wise friend. She had been through many of the same difficult experiences that I had and had overcome serious anger issues. At first, I resisted her help because even though I knew that the anger was robbing me of my sanity, I was to a point of being comfortable with it, and change can be very difficult.
My friend was patient, and she shared what had worked for her. She made a few suggestions such as journaling, exercise, and meditation, and they all made perfect sense. However, the last thing that she told me to do made me think that she was insane.
She told me to pray for the people that I was angry with. She said to pray for them to have everything that I would wish for myself and to pray for their general well being. This suggestion was way over the top! Why would I pray for them? I didn’t wish good things for them.
But after a while, as I continued to suffer, I decided that I’d try it. I knew it wouldn’t work, and then I could go tell her I thought she was crazy! As it turned out, she wasn’t crazy. I remember nearly choking on the words the first time I prayed for everyone that I was angry with, but I got through it, and after about a week, I felt an indescribable feeling of freedom. I could then focus on things like cancer and addiction (the targets of my anger that I couldn’t pray for), and I began to accept the changes that they had brought to my life. I began to deal with anger and resentment on an as-needed basis instead of letting it build to an unmanageable level. It’s much easier to cope with one situation at a time than it is to be lost in the middle of a lifetime of anger.
If you hold grudges, hold on to anger like it is your shield, and clutch past hurts to your chest and dare anyone to take them away, you are only hurting yourself. There is a better way to live – with peace and contentment and acceptance.
I have done all the destructive things associated with anger and resentment. I was angry with so many people that I couldn’t even list them all. But if I had tried to make a list, my own name would have been at the top – in bold, capital letters. I often felt consumed with anger – mad at everything from people to cancer to addiction, and everything in between.
The realization that anger was ruling my life came to me suddenly one day when I was busy feeling sorry for myself over some insignificant comment that someone had made. Something (I believe that it was God) made me see that I was wasting my time and energy on the most negative of emotions. It’s true that many difficult things had happened in my life, and anger was an understandable reaction, but it was time to let it go. I then set myself on a path to do so.
The first thing I learned when I began to try to make sense of and get rid of the anger was one of the most important lessons I’ve ever learned. My anger was not hurting anyone but me. It had chipped away at all the good things in my life until they were almost non-existent. My heart was getting hard, and I had little compassion for anyone. I had lost the ability to empathize or sympathize with others. I felt bad, almost physically ill, most of the time. I had physical pain and emotional pain. My relationship with God had deteriorated to me telling Him how bad my life was on a daily basis.
The next thing that happened is that God sent me help in the form of a wise friend. She had been through many of the same difficult experiences that I had and had overcome serious anger issues. At first, I resisted her help because even though I knew that the anger was robbing me of my sanity, I was to a point of being comfortable with it, and change can be very difficult.
My friend was patient, and she shared what had worked for her. She made a few suggestions such as journaling, exercise, and meditation, and they all made perfect sense. However, the last thing that she told me to do made me think that she was insane.
She told me to pray for the people that I was angry with. She said to pray for them to have everything that I would wish for myself and to pray for their general well being. This suggestion was way over the top! Why would I pray for them? I didn’t wish good things for them.
But after a while, as I continued to suffer, I decided that I’d try it. I knew it wouldn’t work, and then I could go tell her I thought she was crazy! As it turned out, she wasn’t crazy. I remember nearly choking on the words the first time I prayed for everyone that I was angry with, but I got through it, and after about a week, I felt an indescribable feeling of freedom. I could then focus on things like cancer and addiction (the targets of my anger that I couldn’t pray for), and I began to accept the changes that they had brought to my life. I began to deal with anger and resentment on an as-needed basis instead of letting it build to an unmanageable level. It’s much easier to cope with one situation at a time than it is to be lost in the middle of a lifetime of anger.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Things To Do When You Need A Lift
Sometimes, the hardest thing to do when I am feeling down is to make myself get up and do something. But at some point, I must, or else the feelings of sadness and depression will gain a strong hold and become more and more difficult to get rid of. It is OK to let myself wallow in the negative emotions for a day or so. Everyone needs to do this occasionally. The problems start when I allow myself to wallow too long.
Some of the things that help when I need a lift are:
Prayer. The worst thing I can do when I’m feeling down is to not stay connected with God. These are the times when I need Him more than ever, so it’s good for me to double up on my communication with Him through prayer and meditation.
Listen to music. For me, music is like medicine for the soul. There are specific songs that I have found always make me feel better. Many of the classic Beatles’ tunes are upbeat and are great to sing along with.
Watch comedies on TV. “I Love Lucy” is my favorite when I need to be cheered up. I can’t help but laugh out loud during just about any episode of this classic sitcom. Both of Bob Newhart’s classic sitcoms, “Newhart” and “The Bob Newhart” show are also hilarious.
Read. Sometimes it helps me to get completely out of my own life for a while. Reading is a great escape, and I can’t think about things that are bothering me when I’m concentrating on a good book. The principle can be applied to watching a movie. I just try to stay away from anything sad.
Make a gratitude list. People get tired of hearing this, but it really does help me put things into perspective when I look at a list of all the things I have to be grateful for.
Go to a playground and swing. The funny flutter that I get in my stomach when I swing really high always makes me giggle. It’s just plain fun.
Go for a walk or bike ride. Exercise is proven as a weapon against depression.
Call a friend that makes you laugh. One of my friends has a knack for being able to make me laugh no matter what’s happening, so I always call her.
If you have children, listen to them laugh. I can't help but laugh when I hear a child laughing out loud. It's also fun watching them play. They have such a carefree manner that it's hard to feel anything negative when you are watching them have fun.
Do something special for yourself. I love to get a manicure and/or pedicure, get my hair cut or styled or highlighted, or buy some special chocolate and eat it all myself. There are also simple things that I do to treat myself such as taking a bubble bath, putting fresh flowers out, and lighting aromatherapy candles.
Everyone deals with hardships in a different way. I do what works for me, and so must everyone else. The important thing is to do something – whatever works and do it before depression has time to get a foothold.
Some of the things that help when I need a lift are:
Prayer. The worst thing I can do when I’m feeling down is to not stay connected with God. These are the times when I need Him more than ever, so it’s good for me to double up on my communication with Him through prayer and meditation.
Listen to music. For me, music is like medicine for the soul. There are specific songs that I have found always make me feel better. Many of the classic Beatles’ tunes are upbeat and are great to sing along with.
Watch comedies on TV. “I Love Lucy” is my favorite when I need to be cheered up. I can’t help but laugh out loud during just about any episode of this classic sitcom. Both of Bob Newhart’s classic sitcoms, “Newhart” and “The Bob Newhart” show are also hilarious.
Read. Sometimes it helps me to get completely out of my own life for a while. Reading is a great escape, and I can’t think about things that are bothering me when I’m concentrating on a good book. The principle can be applied to watching a movie. I just try to stay away from anything sad.
Make a gratitude list. People get tired of hearing this, but it really does help me put things into perspective when I look at a list of all the things I have to be grateful for.
Go to a playground and swing. The funny flutter that I get in my stomach when I swing really high always makes me giggle. It’s just plain fun.
Go for a walk or bike ride. Exercise is proven as a weapon against depression.
Call a friend that makes you laugh. One of my friends has a knack for being able to make me laugh no matter what’s happening, so I always call her.
If you have children, listen to them laugh. I can't help but laugh when I hear a child laughing out loud. It's also fun watching them play. They have such a carefree manner that it's hard to feel anything negative when you are watching them have fun.
Do something special for yourself. I love to get a manicure and/or pedicure, get my hair cut or styled or highlighted, or buy some special chocolate and eat it all myself. There are also simple things that I do to treat myself such as taking a bubble bath, putting fresh flowers out, and lighting aromatherapy candles.
Everyone deals with hardships in a different way. I do what works for me, and so must everyone else. The important thing is to do something – whatever works and do it before depression has time to get a foothold.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Friendships
There are basically two types of difficult friendships, the ones you should hold on to and the ones you should let go. The first type are the friends that are simply going through a rough patch and need extra support, but they will happily give extra support to you when you need it. The ones to let go are the ones that do not give back and never will. Their lives are never-ending drama pits, and they will suck the life right out of you if you let them. Friendship with them is never a two-way street.
The following is an example of what happens with a friend who is going through a rough time and consequently being difficult: She calls you every day to discuss her problems, and although you are very careful not to give advice, you do share some things that have helped you in similar situations. Your friend seems to have a reason why everything that you share just wouldn’t work in her situation. She is cranky and needy, and nothing makes her happy. Sadly, some people need to remain in the negativity for a little while before they can muster up the courage to change it. Their misery is familiar to them, and change is frightening. I know this because I was one of those people for a while, one of those difficult friends.
Fortunately, my friends were patient and understanding, and never gave up on me. My situation improved, and I have been able to give the same kind of support to others since then. So, the next time you are in a situation where a friend is listing her grievances with life, go ahead and make those suggestions and tell her things that helped you if you have had a similar problem. Just don’t give up on her. At some point, she will hear you and get moving in the right direction.
The next example is what happens with the difficult friends who take, and take, then take some more: I have recently been hearing these friendships referred to as “toxic,” and that is a perfect description. These people are not just needy while they are going through a rough time, and they will not give you extra support when you need it. They are what I call crisis junkies and are not satisfied unless their life is in turmoil. No one else’s problems are important to them, as they are too self-absorbed to realize that they are not the center of the universe. They will call at all hours of the day and night expecting friends to be there for them, but they will never have the emotional fortitude to return the favor.
I understand that this sounds harsh, but if you have had friends like this, you know the impact that their behavior can have. They wear you out both emotionally and physically. And, the worst part is, you don’t receive friendship in return.
The following is an example of what happens with a friend who is going through a rough time and consequently being difficult: She calls you every day to discuss her problems, and although you are very careful not to give advice, you do share some things that have helped you in similar situations. Your friend seems to have a reason why everything that you share just wouldn’t work in her situation. She is cranky and needy, and nothing makes her happy. Sadly, some people need to remain in the negativity for a little while before they can muster up the courage to change it. Their misery is familiar to them, and change is frightening. I know this because I was one of those people for a while, one of those difficult friends.
Fortunately, my friends were patient and understanding, and never gave up on me. My situation improved, and I have been able to give the same kind of support to others since then. So, the next time you are in a situation where a friend is listing her grievances with life, go ahead and make those suggestions and tell her things that helped you if you have had a similar problem. Just don’t give up on her. At some point, she will hear you and get moving in the right direction.
The next example is what happens with the difficult friends who take, and take, then take some more: I have recently been hearing these friendships referred to as “toxic,” and that is a perfect description. These people are not just needy while they are going through a rough time, and they will not give you extra support when you need it. They are what I call crisis junkies and are not satisfied unless their life is in turmoil. No one else’s problems are important to them, as they are too self-absorbed to realize that they are not the center of the universe. They will call at all hours of the day and night expecting friends to be there for them, but they will never have the emotional fortitude to return the favor.
I understand that this sounds harsh, but if you have had friends like this, you know the impact that their behavior can have. They wear you out both emotionally and physically. And, the worst part is, you don’t receive friendship in return.
It's Best To Mind Your Own Business
“If you mind your own business, then you won’t be mindin’ mine.” A line from the song entitled “Mind Your Own Business” by Hank Williams, Sr.
Unfortunately, the art of minding their own business is not one that many folks have mastered. These people seem to have an insatiable need to know what is going on in the lives of their friends, family, and even the lives of total strangers. As evidenced by the recent obsession with the story of Britney Spears’ troubles, it seems that many have become consumed by the need to know everything about everyone. Certainly this situation is fueled by the media, but these stories would not receive such excessive amounts of coverage if the public did not show an interest.
It is true that minding one’s own business can be difficult. It is so often easier to look at someone else’s life with its faults and misdeeds than it is for people to look at their own. If all of a person’s time is spent focusing on others, there isn’t time to focus on his/her own problems. And isn’t this what most folks are trying to do – avoid their own faults, shortcomings, and problems? It is infinitely easier and much less painful to focus on the woes of others.
The problem is that as long as people focus on everyone else, there is never any improvement in their own lives. The truth is that if they are taking proper care of themselves and their own actions, that there isn’t time to contemplate what others are or should be doing. So how does a person get set on a path of minding his/her own business and seeking improvement in his/her own life?
First, remember that there is plenty to fix about one’s own life, habits, and characteristics. Stop looking at everyone else, and look in the mirror. Admit faults and shortcomings and make a promise to that image in the mirror to seek a better, more fulfilling life. When one’s time is being spent that way, there isn’t time to try to fix or get into the business of others. Next, evaluate whether that other person’s behavior has any affect at all on one’s own life. The answer to this question is usually that it does not, in which case, butting out is the appropriate action.
Another simple rule to live by to keep from being classified as a person who doesn’t mind his/her own business is to never give unsolicited advice. Remember that if a friend or family member wants advice, they will ask for it.
In addition, people should ask themselves why other folks’ goings and comings matter so much to them. There is almost always a reason beyond simple nosiness, and they should examine what that reason is and deal with it. And in those cases when it is just simple nosiness, they should ask themselves how they would feel if everyone else were butting into their lives. It would be a good idea, too, to imagine life without all the gossip, backstabbing, and worrying about everyone else’s sayings and doings. Imagine how much more peace and free time there would be!
Lastly, a very painful truth is that there are mean and hateful people who revel in the miseries of others. The reason for them wanting to be in someone else’s business is that it makes them feel superior. Thoughts such as, “Well, my life isn’t perfect, but at least it isn’t as bad as his/hers.” There are even parents who will say things like, “My kid might have his share of trouble, but he’s not nearly as bad as so-and-so’s kid. Did you hear what he did?” These sick comparisons make them feel better than everyone else. The quote from Benjamin Franklin, “Clean your finger before you point at my spots” fits perfectly in these situations. So does a short and sweet, “Mind your own business!”
Unfortunately, the art of minding their own business is not one that many folks have mastered. These people seem to have an insatiable need to know what is going on in the lives of their friends, family, and even the lives of total strangers. As evidenced by the recent obsession with the story of Britney Spears’ troubles, it seems that many have become consumed by the need to know everything about everyone. Certainly this situation is fueled by the media, but these stories would not receive such excessive amounts of coverage if the public did not show an interest.
It is true that minding one’s own business can be difficult. It is so often easier to look at someone else’s life with its faults and misdeeds than it is for people to look at their own. If all of a person’s time is spent focusing on others, there isn’t time to focus on his/her own problems. And isn’t this what most folks are trying to do – avoid their own faults, shortcomings, and problems? It is infinitely easier and much less painful to focus on the woes of others.
The problem is that as long as people focus on everyone else, there is never any improvement in their own lives. The truth is that if they are taking proper care of themselves and their own actions, that there isn’t time to contemplate what others are or should be doing. So how does a person get set on a path of minding his/her own business and seeking improvement in his/her own life?
First, remember that there is plenty to fix about one’s own life, habits, and characteristics. Stop looking at everyone else, and look in the mirror. Admit faults and shortcomings and make a promise to that image in the mirror to seek a better, more fulfilling life. When one’s time is being spent that way, there isn’t time to try to fix or get into the business of others. Next, evaluate whether that other person’s behavior has any affect at all on one’s own life. The answer to this question is usually that it does not, in which case, butting out is the appropriate action.
Another simple rule to live by to keep from being classified as a person who doesn’t mind his/her own business is to never give unsolicited advice. Remember that if a friend or family member wants advice, they will ask for it.
In addition, people should ask themselves why other folks’ goings and comings matter so much to them. There is almost always a reason beyond simple nosiness, and they should examine what that reason is and deal with it. And in those cases when it is just simple nosiness, they should ask themselves how they would feel if everyone else were butting into their lives. It would be a good idea, too, to imagine life without all the gossip, backstabbing, and worrying about everyone else’s sayings and doings. Imagine how much more peace and free time there would be!
Lastly, a very painful truth is that there are mean and hateful people who revel in the miseries of others. The reason for them wanting to be in someone else’s business is that it makes them feel superior. Thoughts such as, “Well, my life isn’t perfect, but at least it isn’t as bad as his/hers.” There are even parents who will say things like, “My kid might have his share of trouble, but he’s not nearly as bad as so-and-so’s kid. Did you hear what he did?” These sick comparisons make them feel better than everyone else. The quote from Benjamin Franklin, “Clean your finger before you point at my spots” fits perfectly in these situations. So does a short and sweet, “Mind your own business!”
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