To avoid regrets in relationships with loved ones, it is necessary to stay right with them at all times. There are a few very simple ways to accomplish this. One of the most important things is to never say hateful or cruel things in haste or anger. Once spoken, words hang in the air forever. They never disappear, and they can never be taken back. The recipient of the words might decide to forgive you, but they will never be able to forget the destructive things you said or the pain that was caused by the hateful words.
Another very important way to avoid regret is to make it a point to tell your loved ones how you feel about them on a regular basis. Do not ever assume that you don't need to tell them because they already know. Maybe they do know, but it is impossible to tell a person that you love them too many times. And, if there are specific things about them that you love or admire, never miss an opportunity to tell them. This is an easy thing to do, and it makes everyone feel great.
In addition, stay in touch with everyone you love. It can be very difficult to find the time to call and visit friends and family, but it is imperative. Spend as much time with them as possible, and when you can't see them, call them.
Also, be patient with loved ones. There are times when a family member or friend might be getting on your nerves. Everyone can be annoying at times; we all have our moments. Do your best not to let them see how you feel because they would, or already have, tolerated you when you were annoying them.
It's also important to never leave someone you love in a fit of anger. Many people get angry and storm out, slam the door, and leave. There is no guarantee that you will ever get back to the loved one to make up with them. It sounds drastic, maybe even morbid, but you don't want that to be yours, or their, last memory.
Remember that no one knows what the future holds, and no one is guaranteed another chance or a certain amount of time. Stay right with everyone you love all the time, and you'll never have to live with regrets in your relationships.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
Humor: Truth
We all claim to want to know the truth in every situation, but do we really? I think that it actually depends on what that truth is. I sincerely believe that most of us may be guilty of Jack Nicholson's character's accusation of Tom Cruise's character in "A Few Good Men" when he says, "You can't handle the truth."
For example, a friend of mine was dating a new guy recently, and she really wanted me to meet him. She had been telling me for a few weeks how great and smart and wonderful he was. I was hesitant, but I agreed to meet them for dinner anyway. I wasn't sure how I would handle it if I didn't see the same wonderful qualities that she did, but I took a chance because it was important to my friend.
It turned out that I wasn't quite as impressed with him as my friend was. He talked about himself for two solid hours and stared at every other woman that walked by, but my friend didn't seem to notice. When she called me the next day to ask what I thought of him, I said, "Uh, uh, he's surely interesting, isn't he? And he's tall, too." I lied about the interesting part, but I was certain that she would figure him out after a couple more dates.
Another recent example is when I asked a good friend, "Do these jeans make my butt look big?" Did I really want to know the truth? No way! I wanted her to lie to me if she must, and any true friend would know this. I can just imagine a world where friends were always truthful with each other. "Do these jeans make my butt look big?" Then comes the answer, "Oh my gosh, I thought you'd never ask. You look like Jared before the Subway diet!" Is this what I wanted to hear? Not so much.
But now that my friend has told me that I do indeed look fat in my new jeans, I decide to get a new hairstyle and color. That should make me feel better. When I get finished at the salon, I'm feeling pretty good about my new look, so I go to that same friend's house to show off the changes. That was my first mistake. Immediately after she opens the door, I sense a certain discomfort. I can see a look of dread on her face. She knows that I'm going to ask her if she likes my new cut and color, and she's trying to figure out how she is going to answer the question. That's when I make my second mistake. I ask her, "What do you think of my new haircut and color?" Then I blow it by adding, "Now be completely honest." When will I ever learn?
For example, a friend of mine was dating a new guy recently, and she really wanted me to meet him. She had been telling me for a few weeks how great and smart and wonderful he was. I was hesitant, but I agreed to meet them for dinner anyway. I wasn't sure how I would handle it if I didn't see the same wonderful qualities that she did, but I took a chance because it was important to my friend.
It turned out that I wasn't quite as impressed with him as my friend was. He talked about himself for two solid hours and stared at every other woman that walked by, but my friend didn't seem to notice. When she called me the next day to ask what I thought of him, I said, "Uh, uh, he's surely interesting, isn't he? And he's tall, too." I lied about the interesting part, but I was certain that she would figure him out after a couple more dates.
Another recent example is when I asked a good friend, "Do these jeans make my butt look big?" Did I really want to know the truth? No way! I wanted her to lie to me if she must, and any true friend would know this. I can just imagine a world where friends were always truthful with each other. "Do these jeans make my butt look big?" Then comes the answer, "Oh my gosh, I thought you'd never ask. You look like Jared before the Subway diet!" Is this what I wanted to hear? Not so much.
But now that my friend has told me that I do indeed look fat in my new jeans, I decide to get a new hairstyle and color. That should make me feel better. When I get finished at the salon, I'm feeling pretty good about my new look, so I go to that same friend's house to show off the changes. That was my first mistake. Immediately after she opens the door, I sense a certain discomfort. I can see a look of dread on her face. She knows that I'm going to ask her if she likes my new cut and color, and she's trying to figure out how she is going to answer the question. That's when I make my second mistake. I ask her, "What do you think of my new haircut and color?" Then I blow it by adding, "Now be completely honest." When will I ever learn?
Take Responsibility for Your Own Actions
I am growing increasingly tired of people blaming others for their problems. It makes no sense to me that they cannot simply face the consequences of their own behavior without having to place blame.
There are people who are so busy throwing blame around that they never have a chance to learn or grown from their mistakes. There are thirty and forty year old adults still blaming their parents for everything that is wrong in their lives. If it happens that they can't afford to pay their bills, it is because their parents didn't teach them how to manage money. If they turn out not to be good parents themselves, it isn't their fault. It is because their parents spanked them or didn't encourage them enough. When they have trouble finding a good job, they blame their parents for not forcing them to go to college. It seems that no matter what ails them, they can find a way to blame their parents, or at least someone other than themselves. I have to wonder how long they can continue to justify blaming their upbringing for all their shortcomings. At what age does it become their responsibility?
Parents whose high school children can't read or write blame the school. They are not willing to allow for the possibility that it could be, at least partially, their own fault. Where were they and what were they doing when the child was in elementary school? Maybe if they had been paying attention, reading to the child, and letting the child read to them, they would have noticed that there was a problem.
Even worse, there are criminals blaming society because they commit heinous crimes. They commit robbery because somehow society prevents them from finding a job. They are, therefore, forced to steal. Some commit rape because the victim was wearing a short skirt or a low cut blouse. It's her fault; she asked for it.
Someone murders another human being, but it isn't his/her fault. It's because their parents got a divorce when they were young, or they had a parent who went to prison. Some of these people even try to blame it on God!
There are countless excuses to be made for everything from minor infractions to rape and murder, and a scapegoat can always be found. But I have to hope that one day these people will learn to take responsibility for themselves and for their own behavior.
I also hope that some day the world will stop accepting excuses and start holding people accountable for their actions.
There are people who are so busy throwing blame around that they never have a chance to learn or grown from their mistakes. There are thirty and forty year old adults still blaming their parents for everything that is wrong in their lives. If it happens that they can't afford to pay their bills, it is because their parents didn't teach them how to manage money. If they turn out not to be good parents themselves, it isn't their fault. It is because their parents spanked them or didn't encourage them enough. When they have trouble finding a good job, they blame their parents for not forcing them to go to college. It seems that no matter what ails them, they can find a way to blame their parents, or at least someone other than themselves. I have to wonder how long they can continue to justify blaming their upbringing for all their shortcomings. At what age does it become their responsibility?
Parents whose high school children can't read or write blame the school. They are not willing to allow for the possibility that it could be, at least partially, their own fault. Where were they and what were they doing when the child was in elementary school? Maybe if they had been paying attention, reading to the child, and letting the child read to them, they would have noticed that there was a problem.
Even worse, there are criminals blaming society because they commit heinous crimes. They commit robbery because somehow society prevents them from finding a job. They are, therefore, forced to steal. Some commit rape because the victim was wearing a short skirt or a low cut blouse. It's her fault; she asked for it.
Someone murders another human being, but it isn't his/her fault. It's because their parents got a divorce when they were young, or they had a parent who went to prison. Some of these people even try to blame it on God!
There are countless excuses to be made for everything from minor infractions to rape and murder, and a scapegoat can always be found. But I have to hope that one day these people will learn to take responsibility for themselves and for their own behavior.
I also hope that some day the world will stop accepting excuses and start holding people accountable for their actions.
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
The Importance of Silence
“All men’s miseries derive from not being able to sit quietly in a room.” Blaise Pascal
I learned what I call “the art of silence” from my father. He was completely comfortable with silence, and he taught me to be comfortable with it as well. It is a necessity for me to sit in silence for at least fifteen minutes every day, and I will do whatever I have to in order to accomplish it.
Silence is a necessary element to a peaceful and serene lifestyle. It is restorative and relaxing, and it gives me an opportunity to reflect on what is good in my life and what needs to be changed. It gives me a chance concentrate on all that I have to be grateful for, helps keep me centered, and provides a chance to simply let my mind wander. When the chaos of everyday life begins to make me feel edgy and irritable, silence is the perfect antidote.
In addition, being quiet also provides time for prayer and meditation. Silence is the best condition in which to communicate with God because His voice is subtle and sometimes difficult to hear amid the chaos. If I will just sit quietly and listen, He will always tell me what to do in times of struggle or hardship, and in the silence He will give me the comfort to cope with it.
Sadly, many folks do not know how to be silent, and many do not like silence at all. They are uncomfortable when it gets too quiet, and they feel that they have to erase it with mindless chatter, noise from the television, or anything else that will fill the void. Of course, there are always those chosen few with whom we feel more comfortable sharing silence. For example, when we first meet someone, it is quite uncomfortable and awkward when the conversation lags. Both parties are quickly trying to think of something to talk about. But, it shouldn’t be this way with our family or close friends. We should be able to comfortably share quiet times with them.
There are also those people who are uncomfortable with silence when they are alone. Maybe they don’t like it because there is nothing to focus on except for their own thoughts. Self-reflection is difficult for some, especially when they have problems they do not want to face or feelings of guilt that they do not want to admit. Silence sometimes forces us to hear the noise going on in our own minds, and it is not always pleasant. But in order to grow, we must hear that noise and resolve it.
I learned what I call “the art of silence” from my father. He was completely comfortable with silence, and he taught me to be comfortable with it as well. It is a necessity for me to sit in silence for at least fifteen minutes every day, and I will do whatever I have to in order to accomplish it.
Silence is a necessary element to a peaceful and serene lifestyle. It is restorative and relaxing, and it gives me an opportunity to reflect on what is good in my life and what needs to be changed. It gives me a chance concentrate on all that I have to be grateful for, helps keep me centered, and provides a chance to simply let my mind wander. When the chaos of everyday life begins to make me feel edgy and irritable, silence is the perfect antidote.
In addition, being quiet also provides time for prayer and meditation. Silence is the best condition in which to communicate with God because His voice is subtle and sometimes difficult to hear amid the chaos. If I will just sit quietly and listen, He will always tell me what to do in times of struggle or hardship, and in the silence He will give me the comfort to cope with it.
Sadly, many folks do not know how to be silent, and many do not like silence at all. They are uncomfortable when it gets too quiet, and they feel that they have to erase it with mindless chatter, noise from the television, or anything else that will fill the void. Of course, there are always those chosen few with whom we feel more comfortable sharing silence. For example, when we first meet someone, it is quite uncomfortable and awkward when the conversation lags. Both parties are quickly trying to think of something to talk about. But, it shouldn’t be this way with our family or close friends. We should be able to comfortably share quiet times with them.
There are also those people who are uncomfortable with silence when they are alone. Maybe they don’t like it because there is nothing to focus on except for their own thoughts. Self-reflection is difficult for some, especially when they have problems they do not want to face or feelings of guilt that they do not want to admit. Silence sometimes forces us to hear the noise going on in our own minds, and it is not always pleasant. But in order to grow, we must hear that noise and resolve it.
Humor: Knowing Everything
It was so nice while it lasted – that period of time between my 13th birthday and my 20th one. Those were the wonderful years during which I knew everything about everything. All anyone had to do was ask me. I was happy to tell them what was right, how they should feel, and what they should do in any given situation. I knew more than my parents, more than my teachers, more than everyone else. I was the smartest person in the world. I had an opinion on everything, and I was certain that everyone not only wanted to hear my opinion, but they should also agree with it.
Looking back, I have no idea how anyone could stand to be around me, and I surely can’t see why anyone would have wanted to have a conversation with me! I know now that I was an arrogant, but very normal, little brat who knew nothing. This “know-it-all” disease seems to affect almost all teenagers. But no one could have convinced me back then that I didn’t know even 5% of what I thought I knew. I was so far gone that I even pointed out to my best friend’s father that his parenting skills needed improvement.
What happened, though, to all that knowledge? It mysteriously disappeared when I was about 21 years old, when I started the adventure of real life. Real life, with real problems and real responsibilities, knocked me on my tail. It was quite a rude awakening finding out that I wasn’t the all-knowing person I had believed I was. I quickly realized that I barely knew anything, and I definitely didn’t have all the answers for my problems and certainly not for anyone else’s problems. I was so accustomed to having things go my way, or being able to manipulate them into going my way that it never occurred to me that life would ever be any different. That is, until I started living in the real world, on my own, with husband, children, job, house, and the rest of the complications that adult life brings.
I don’t understand what it is about those teenage years that make us feel that we are so smart, that we are never wrong, and that everyone else is stupid. Maybe it’s just that we have to go through thinking that we have all the answers to learn that we actually know very little. One of my favorite Don Henley songs, “Heart of the Matter,” contains the following line: “Everything I thought I’d figured out, I have to learn again.” This is the perfect description of how it feels when you come out of that teenage fog of imagined intelligence.
I am now in my fifties. I still do not have all the answers, and I still do not know everything. The difference now is that I am glad to admit it. I enjoy hearing differing viewpoints before deciding my stance on an issue. My mind is finally open now, which only comes with the ability to admit that there could possibly be other views besides my own. When I thought I knew everything, I wouldn’t have allowed for other viewpoints because it meant that I might not be right!
Looking back, I have no idea how anyone could stand to be around me, and I surely can’t see why anyone would have wanted to have a conversation with me! I know now that I was an arrogant, but very normal, little brat who knew nothing. This “know-it-all” disease seems to affect almost all teenagers. But no one could have convinced me back then that I didn’t know even 5% of what I thought I knew. I was so far gone that I even pointed out to my best friend’s father that his parenting skills needed improvement.
What happened, though, to all that knowledge? It mysteriously disappeared when I was about 21 years old, when I started the adventure of real life. Real life, with real problems and real responsibilities, knocked me on my tail. It was quite a rude awakening finding out that I wasn’t the all-knowing person I had believed I was. I quickly realized that I barely knew anything, and I definitely didn’t have all the answers for my problems and certainly not for anyone else’s problems. I was so accustomed to having things go my way, or being able to manipulate them into going my way that it never occurred to me that life would ever be any different. That is, until I started living in the real world, on my own, with husband, children, job, house, and the rest of the complications that adult life brings.
I don’t understand what it is about those teenage years that make us feel that we are so smart, that we are never wrong, and that everyone else is stupid. Maybe it’s just that we have to go through thinking that we have all the answers to learn that we actually know very little. One of my favorite Don Henley songs, “Heart of the Matter,” contains the following line: “Everything I thought I’d figured out, I have to learn again.” This is the perfect description of how it feels when you come out of that teenage fog of imagined intelligence.
I am now in my fifties. I still do not have all the answers, and I still do not know everything. The difference now is that I am glad to admit it. I enjoy hearing differing viewpoints before deciding my stance on an issue. My mind is finally open now, which only comes with the ability to admit that there could possibly be other views besides my own. When I thought I knew everything, I wouldn’t have allowed for other viewpoints because it meant that I might not be right!
Be Kind To Yourself
So often, my friends say things like, “I just never feel good anymore,” or “I’m always tired,” or “I never have any free time.” My questions for them are, “What do you do to take care of yourself?” “Are you kind to yourself?” “What do you do that is for you and you alone?” Unfortunately, the answer is usually something like, “I don’t have time to be kind to myself,” or “I have too much to do to take time for myself.”
I understand completely. It is difficult to find any extra time, and when we do, we feel like we should be doing things like cleaning, ironing, and all the other fun things that go with being a responsible adult. Between the spouse, the kids, the job, the housework, cooking, laundry – I could go on and on – we do well just to make it to work each day in clean clothes!
Through the years, though, I have realized that if something is truly important to me, I will find the time for it. So, if I am important to myself, I will make time to be kind to myself.
So, to be kind to yourself, make yourself a priority. An added incentive to this, besides how much better you will feel, is that your life will become smoother and calmer. Your family will like being with you more, and you’ll do a better job at work. This is because you will feel better, not so pressured and hurried all the time. In learning how to be kind to yourself, you will learn to relax, and everyone likes a relaxed person more than a chaos-driven maniac!
The next time you feel like going shopping or to the movie or out to dinner alone, do it! If you want to sit outside and read or watch the birds for an hour, go on out! Listen to that inner voice that is telling you that it is time to be kind to yourself.
I know that this sounds difficult, and it took me years to learn to do it. I learned it the hard way, which I think may be the only way I can learn anything. I had a wonderful doctor who tried to tell me to be good to myself and take time for myself and get more rest when I was in my twenties. He reminded me that I spent a certain amount of time at work and a certain amount taking care of my spouse and children and household. Then he asked me what amount I spent being kind to myself. My answer was a definitive “zero” because there was no time left over after taking care of everyone else. He bluntly told me that I better find a way to take care of myself or face a nervous breakdown. This frightened me enough that I did start insisting on some “me time,” and I was diligent about it for a few months. Then I got right back into my old self-sacrificing rut and wallowed there for a few more years.
One day I found myself in such a state of depression that all I could do was cry. I realized, with the help of a therapist, that there were many things in my life that had to change, and 99% of them had to do with me. I made a list and got started. (I make lists for everything!) At the top of my list was that I had to start being good to myself. And I did. Progress was slow at first because it was a completely new behavior for me. But I learned quickly, and I believe that everyone in my life has benefited by the change because I’m happier, easier to live with, and I am no longer a self-sacrificing martyr. I am kind to me, and as a result, kinder to others.
I understand completely. It is difficult to find any extra time, and when we do, we feel like we should be doing things like cleaning, ironing, and all the other fun things that go with being a responsible adult. Between the spouse, the kids, the job, the housework, cooking, laundry – I could go on and on – we do well just to make it to work each day in clean clothes!
Through the years, though, I have realized that if something is truly important to me, I will find the time for it. So, if I am important to myself, I will make time to be kind to myself.
So, to be kind to yourself, make yourself a priority. An added incentive to this, besides how much better you will feel, is that your life will become smoother and calmer. Your family will like being with you more, and you’ll do a better job at work. This is because you will feel better, not so pressured and hurried all the time. In learning how to be kind to yourself, you will learn to relax, and everyone likes a relaxed person more than a chaos-driven maniac!
The next time you feel like going shopping or to the movie or out to dinner alone, do it! If you want to sit outside and read or watch the birds for an hour, go on out! Listen to that inner voice that is telling you that it is time to be kind to yourself.
I know that this sounds difficult, and it took me years to learn to do it. I learned it the hard way, which I think may be the only way I can learn anything. I had a wonderful doctor who tried to tell me to be good to myself and take time for myself and get more rest when I was in my twenties. He reminded me that I spent a certain amount of time at work and a certain amount taking care of my spouse and children and household. Then he asked me what amount I spent being kind to myself. My answer was a definitive “zero” because there was no time left over after taking care of everyone else. He bluntly told me that I better find a way to take care of myself or face a nervous breakdown. This frightened me enough that I did start insisting on some “me time,” and I was diligent about it for a few months. Then I got right back into my old self-sacrificing rut and wallowed there for a few more years.
One day I found myself in such a state of depression that all I could do was cry. I realized, with the help of a therapist, that there were many things in my life that had to change, and 99% of them had to do with me. I made a list and got started. (I make lists for everything!) At the top of my list was that I had to start being good to myself. And I did. Progress was slow at first because it was a completely new behavior for me. But I learned quickly, and I believe that everyone in my life has benefited by the change because I’m happier, easier to live with, and I am no longer a self-sacrificing martyr. I am kind to me, and as a result, kinder to others.
Humor: Money Doesn't Buy Happiness, Or Does It?
I guess it’s true that money doesn’t buy happiness, but I think a new Coach purse would go a long way in making me feel better. Of course, I’ve never had the kind of money it would take to know whether it could buy happiness or not, but to be honest, I wouldn’t mind the chance to find out. I’ve been hearing this saying all my life, and I would welcome the opportunity to debunk the myth.
I suspect that the saying was started as a way of making regular folks feel better about not having money, a way of making ourselves appear to be so much more enlightened than the rich people. It’s our way of saying to them that we might not have money, but we also don’t have the problems that go along with it.
Just once, I wouldn’t mind having some of those problems. Wouldn’t it be awful to have that annoying decision of which charitable organization to donate a boatload of money to? Or, God forbid, I would hate to have to worry about whether the trip to Europe was a deductible expense or not. And I know it would make me feel so bad having to decide whether to buy a summer home in Aspen or Hawaii or on Martha’s Vineyard. And my goodness, how would I ever decide what kind of car to drive, a Bentley or a Rolls-Royce or a Ferrari? How would I ever deal with all of these problems?
Let’s face it wouldn’t it be nice to go shopping and not have to check the price tags of everything before we try it on? Or, how would it be to go out for dinner sometimes and not feel like we have to order the least expensive dish on the menu, and even order dessert without feeling guilty? What if we didn’t have to worry about how we can fill the car with gas and buy groceries in the same week?
I can’t speak for everyone else, but the problems of being rich don’t sound all that terrible to me. I have a feeling that they are problems I could learn to live with if I tried really hard!
I suspect that the saying was started as a way of making regular folks feel better about not having money, a way of making ourselves appear to be so much more enlightened than the rich people. It’s our way of saying to them that we might not have money, but we also don’t have the problems that go along with it.
Just once, I wouldn’t mind having some of those problems. Wouldn’t it be awful to have that annoying decision of which charitable organization to donate a boatload of money to? Or, God forbid, I would hate to have to worry about whether the trip to Europe was a deductible expense or not. And I know it would make me feel so bad having to decide whether to buy a summer home in Aspen or Hawaii or on Martha’s Vineyard. And my goodness, how would I ever decide what kind of car to drive, a Bentley or a Rolls-Royce or a Ferrari? How would I ever deal with all of these problems?
Let’s face it wouldn’t it be nice to go shopping and not have to check the price tags of everything before we try it on? Or, how would it be to go out for dinner sometimes and not feel like we have to order the least expensive dish on the menu, and even order dessert without feeling guilty? What if we didn’t have to worry about how we can fill the car with gas and buy groceries in the same week?
I can’t speak for everyone else, but the problems of being rich don’t sound all that terrible to me. I have a feeling that they are problems I could learn to live with if I tried really hard!
Monday, March 24, 2008
Mother/Daughter Relationships
Mothers and daughters go through phases in their relationship where at times, they are the best of friends, and at other times, they can’t agree on a single issue.
I remember that when I was young, my mother was my best friend. She was my source of comfort and well being, and she always knew exactly how to make me feel better. She was also my biggest fan and encouraged me in everything I attempted. She never talked down to me, and I sought her advice on many topics. She was, in my eyes, the smartest woman that ever lived. She had all the qualities of a best friend.
A few years later, though, when I reached the age of 16-17, my attitude changed. Of course I still loved my mom, but I no longer felt like sharing everything with her, and I didn’t agree with her all the time like I had when I was younger. And for the next 2-3 years, she was the “mom.” In retrospect, I know that there were times during that period that I would see a glimpse of our old relationship. We would still occasionally have talks like before, and laugh about things, but not as often. I didn’t even realize that this change was taking place at the time. I just knew that I had my friends from school that I discussed everything with now.
Looking back, I understand that this was just part of the process of me becoming who I am, growing toward adulthood. My mother, in her wisdom, knew what was happening, and she had the courage and the grace to stand back and allow it. I cannot imagine how difficult that must have been.
By the time I reached the age of 20, my mother was my best friend again. She really always was, I just didn’t get it! I talked to her nearly every day, sought her advice on matters with my children, problems at work, and any number of life’s daily problems. She was very wise, and almost always had a good idea to share with me.
Unfortunately, she died at a young age, and I lost my mom/best friend when I was 29 years old. Over 20 years have passed, and sometimes I still catch myself thinking that I need to call her when something important happens. I guess that’s how it is with really true friends – you never become accustomed to not talking to them.
The great thing, though, is that when you have a friend like that, they are always with you in a way -- a part of them lives on in the people that they loved. I can still hear many of the things my mom, my best friend, shared with me, and I’ll treasure that forever.
I remember that when I was young, my mother was my best friend. She was my source of comfort and well being, and she always knew exactly how to make me feel better. She was also my biggest fan and encouraged me in everything I attempted. She never talked down to me, and I sought her advice on many topics. She was, in my eyes, the smartest woman that ever lived. She had all the qualities of a best friend.
A few years later, though, when I reached the age of 16-17, my attitude changed. Of course I still loved my mom, but I no longer felt like sharing everything with her, and I didn’t agree with her all the time like I had when I was younger. And for the next 2-3 years, she was the “mom.” In retrospect, I know that there were times during that period that I would see a glimpse of our old relationship. We would still occasionally have talks like before, and laugh about things, but not as often. I didn’t even realize that this change was taking place at the time. I just knew that I had my friends from school that I discussed everything with now.
Looking back, I understand that this was just part of the process of me becoming who I am, growing toward adulthood. My mother, in her wisdom, knew what was happening, and she had the courage and the grace to stand back and allow it. I cannot imagine how difficult that must have been.
By the time I reached the age of 20, my mother was my best friend again. She really always was, I just didn’t get it! I talked to her nearly every day, sought her advice on matters with my children, problems at work, and any number of life’s daily problems. She was very wise, and almost always had a good idea to share with me.
Unfortunately, she died at a young age, and I lost my mom/best friend when I was 29 years old. Over 20 years have passed, and sometimes I still catch myself thinking that I need to call her when something important happens. I guess that’s how it is with really true friends – you never become accustomed to not talking to them.
The great thing, though, is that when you have a friend like that, they are always with you in a way -- a part of them lives on in the people that they loved. I can still hear many of the things my mom, my best friend, shared with me, and I’ll treasure that forever.
Self Esteem Basics
When asked to describe themselves, most people tend to start listing the things they would like to change – their “less desirable qualities.” In addition, they tend to list the “outside characteristics” focusing on weight issues or any number of things that they do not like about the way they look. These are the traits that most people seem to focus on. To be sure, everyone has some negative characteristics. Without those, we would not be human. People are not perfect. But it is important to remember the good qualities, too, and even learn to list those before the not-so-good ones. Additionally, it is good to remember that needing to lose ten pounds or having wrinkles or gray hair does not make us bad people. It is the person inside that matters.
It is not boastful to know, or even to say that you have nice qualities. Everyone has good qualities that they should feel good about and be proud of. Of course, there is no need to shout from the rooftop that we are kind or compassionate or thoughtful or smart, because at that point it has become arrogance. But it is good to know in our own hearts that we have goodness inside us. There should be a balance between the good traits and the negative ones.
In society much emphasis is placed on self-confidence and self-esteem, but society can give us no help in attaining them. It actually does more to rob us of our self-esteem with the fantasy ads featuring thin, beautiful people with money and perfect lives. But we can only learn to like ourselves by being completely honest when assessing our traits. We must see ourselves as we truly are – human beings with many wonderful qualities and numerous flaws.
To help focus on the positive, make a list of your assets – are you courteous, generous, helpful? Are you a good wife/husband, a good mother/father? Are you loyal, a good friend, a good listener? Do you enjoy helping others? Think about this, and make that list so that the next time you are asked to describe yourself you can give an accurate description.
It is not boastful to know, or even to say that you have nice qualities. Everyone has good qualities that they should feel good about and be proud of. Of course, there is no need to shout from the rooftop that we are kind or compassionate or thoughtful or smart, because at that point it has become arrogance. But it is good to know in our own hearts that we have goodness inside us. There should be a balance between the good traits and the negative ones.
In society much emphasis is placed on self-confidence and self-esteem, but society can give us no help in attaining them. It actually does more to rob us of our self-esteem with the fantasy ads featuring thin, beautiful people with money and perfect lives. But we can only learn to like ourselves by being completely honest when assessing our traits. We must see ourselves as we truly are – human beings with many wonderful qualities and numerous flaws.
To help focus on the positive, make a list of your assets – are you courteous, generous, helpful? Are you a good wife/husband, a good mother/father? Are you loyal, a good friend, a good listener? Do you enjoy helping others? Think about this, and make that list so that the next time you are asked to describe yourself you can give an accurate description.
Letting Go of Anger
“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger…Ephesians 4:31.
If you hold grudges, hold on to anger like it is your shield, and clutch past hurts to your chest and dare anyone to take them away, you are only hurting yourself. There is a better way to live – with peace and contentment and acceptance.
I have done all the destructive things associated with anger and resentment. I was angry with so many people that I couldn’t even list them all. But if I had tried to make a list, my own name would have been at the top – in bold, capital letters. I often felt consumed with anger – mad at everything from people to cancer to addiction, and everything in between.
The realization that anger was ruling my life came to me suddenly one day when I was busy feeling sorry for myself over some insignificant comment that someone had made. Something (I believe that it was God) made me see that I was wasting my time and energy on the most negative of emotions. It’s true that many difficult things had happened in my life, and anger was an understandable reaction, but it was time to let it go. I then set myself on a path to do so.
The first thing I learned when I began to try to make sense of and get rid of the anger was one of the most important lessons I’ve ever learned. My anger was not hurting anyone but me. It had chipped away at all the good things in my life until they were almost non-existent. My heart was getting hard, and I had little compassion for anyone. I had lost the ability to empathize or sympathize with others. I felt bad, almost physically ill, most of the time. I had physical pain and emotional pain. My relationship with God had deteriorated to me telling Him how bad my life was on a daily basis.
The next thing that happened is that God sent me help in the form of a wise friend. She had been through many of the same difficult experiences that I had and had overcome serious anger issues. At first, I resisted her help because even though I knew that the anger was robbing me of my sanity, I was to a point of being comfortable with it, and change can be very difficult.
My friend was patient, and she shared what had worked for her. She made a few suggestions such as journaling, exercise, and meditation, and they all made perfect sense. However, the last thing that she told me to do made me think that she was insane.
She told me to pray for the people that I was angry with. She said to pray for them to have everything that I would wish for myself and to pray for their general well being. This suggestion was way over the top! Why would I pray for them? I didn’t wish good things for them.
But after a while, as I continued to suffer, I decided that I’d try it. I knew it wouldn’t work, and then I could go tell her I thought she was crazy! As it turned out, she wasn’t crazy. I remember nearly choking on the words the first time I prayed for everyone that I was angry with, but I got through it, and after about a week, I felt an indescribable feeling of freedom. I could then focus on things like cancer and addiction (the targets of my anger that I couldn’t pray for), and I began to accept the changes that they had brought to my life. I began to deal with anger and resentment on an as-needed basis instead of letting it build to an unmanageable level. It’s much easier to cope with one situation at a time than it is to be lost in the middle of a lifetime of anger.
If you hold grudges, hold on to anger like it is your shield, and clutch past hurts to your chest and dare anyone to take them away, you are only hurting yourself. There is a better way to live – with peace and contentment and acceptance.
I have done all the destructive things associated with anger and resentment. I was angry with so many people that I couldn’t even list them all. But if I had tried to make a list, my own name would have been at the top – in bold, capital letters. I often felt consumed with anger – mad at everything from people to cancer to addiction, and everything in between.
The realization that anger was ruling my life came to me suddenly one day when I was busy feeling sorry for myself over some insignificant comment that someone had made. Something (I believe that it was God) made me see that I was wasting my time and energy on the most negative of emotions. It’s true that many difficult things had happened in my life, and anger was an understandable reaction, but it was time to let it go. I then set myself on a path to do so.
The first thing I learned when I began to try to make sense of and get rid of the anger was one of the most important lessons I’ve ever learned. My anger was not hurting anyone but me. It had chipped away at all the good things in my life until they were almost non-existent. My heart was getting hard, and I had little compassion for anyone. I had lost the ability to empathize or sympathize with others. I felt bad, almost physically ill, most of the time. I had physical pain and emotional pain. My relationship with God had deteriorated to me telling Him how bad my life was on a daily basis.
The next thing that happened is that God sent me help in the form of a wise friend. She had been through many of the same difficult experiences that I had and had overcome serious anger issues. At first, I resisted her help because even though I knew that the anger was robbing me of my sanity, I was to a point of being comfortable with it, and change can be very difficult.
My friend was patient, and she shared what had worked for her. She made a few suggestions such as journaling, exercise, and meditation, and they all made perfect sense. However, the last thing that she told me to do made me think that she was insane.
She told me to pray for the people that I was angry with. She said to pray for them to have everything that I would wish for myself and to pray for their general well being. This suggestion was way over the top! Why would I pray for them? I didn’t wish good things for them.
But after a while, as I continued to suffer, I decided that I’d try it. I knew it wouldn’t work, and then I could go tell her I thought she was crazy! As it turned out, she wasn’t crazy. I remember nearly choking on the words the first time I prayed for everyone that I was angry with, but I got through it, and after about a week, I felt an indescribable feeling of freedom. I could then focus on things like cancer and addiction (the targets of my anger that I couldn’t pray for), and I began to accept the changes that they had brought to my life. I began to deal with anger and resentment on an as-needed basis instead of letting it build to an unmanageable level. It’s much easier to cope with one situation at a time than it is to be lost in the middle of a lifetime of anger.
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Things To Do When You Need A Lift
Sometimes, the hardest thing to do when I am feeling down is to make myself get up and do something. But at some point, I must, or else the feelings of sadness and depression will gain a strong hold and become more and more difficult to get rid of. It is OK to let myself wallow in the negative emotions for a day or so. Everyone needs to do this occasionally. The problems start when I allow myself to wallow too long.
Some of the things that help when I need a lift are:
Prayer. The worst thing I can do when I’m feeling down is to not stay connected with God. These are the times when I need Him more than ever, so it’s good for me to double up on my communication with Him through prayer and meditation.
Listen to music. For me, music is like medicine for the soul. There are specific songs that I have found always make me feel better. Many of the classic Beatles’ tunes are upbeat and are great to sing along with.
Watch comedies on TV. “I Love Lucy” is my favorite when I need to be cheered up. I can’t help but laugh out loud during just about any episode of this classic sitcom. Both of Bob Newhart’s classic sitcoms, “Newhart” and “The Bob Newhart” show are also hilarious.
Read. Sometimes it helps me to get completely out of my own life for a while. Reading is a great escape, and I can’t think about things that are bothering me when I’m concentrating on a good book. The principle can be applied to watching a movie. I just try to stay away from anything sad.
Make a gratitude list. People get tired of hearing this, but it really does help me put things into perspective when I look at a list of all the things I have to be grateful for.
Go to a playground and swing. The funny flutter that I get in my stomach when I swing really high always makes me giggle. It’s just plain fun.
Go for a walk or bike ride. Exercise is proven as a weapon against depression.
Call a friend that makes you laugh. One of my friends has a knack for being able to make me laugh no matter what’s happening, so I always call her.
If you have children, listen to them laugh. I can't help but laugh when I hear a child laughing out loud. It's also fun watching them play. They have such a carefree manner that it's hard to feel anything negative when you are watching them have fun.
Do something special for yourself. I love to get a manicure and/or pedicure, get my hair cut or styled or highlighted, or buy some special chocolate and eat it all myself. There are also simple things that I do to treat myself such as taking a bubble bath, putting fresh flowers out, and lighting aromatherapy candles.
Everyone deals with hardships in a different way. I do what works for me, and so must everyone else. The important thing is to do something – whatever works and do it before depression has time to get a foothold.
Some of the things that help when I need a lift are:
Prayer. The worst thing I can do when I’m feeling down is to not stay connected with God. These are the times when I need Him more than ever, so it’s good for me to double up on my communication with Him through prayer and meditation.
Listen to music. For me, music is like medicine for the soul. There are specific songs that I have found always make me feel better. Many of the classic Beatles’ tunes are upbeat and are great to sing along with.
Watch comedies on TV. “I Love Lucy” is my favorite when I need to be cheered up. I can’t help but laugh out loud during just about any episode of this classic sitcom. Both of Bob Newhart’s classic sitcoms, “Newhart” and “The Bob Newhart” show are also hilarious.
Read. Sometimes it helps me to get completely out of my own life for a while. Reading is a great escape, and I can’t think about things that are bothering me when I’m concentrating on a good book. The principle can be applied to watching a movie. I just try to stay away from anything sad.
Make a gratitude list. People get tired of hearing this, but it really does help me put things into perspective when I look at a list of all the things I have to be grateful for.
Go to a playground and swing. The funny flutter that I get in my stomach when I swing really high always makes me giggle. It’s just plain fun.
Go for a walk or bike ride. Exercise is proven as a weapon against depression.
Call a friend that makes you laugh. One of my friends has a knack for being able to make me laugh no matter what’s happening, so I always call her.
If you have children, listen to them laugh. I can't help but laugh when I hear a child laughing out loud. It's also fun watching them play. They have such a carefree manner that it's hard to feel anything negative when you are watching them have fun.
Do something special for yourself. I love to get a manicure and/or pedicure, get my hair cut or styled or highlighted, or buy some special chocolate and eat it all myself. There are also simple things that I do to treat myself such as taking a bubble bath, putting fresh flowers out, and lighting aromatherapy candles.
Everyone deals with hardships in a different way. I do what works for me, and so must everyone else. The important thing is to do something – whatever works and do it before depression has time to get a foothold.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Friendships
There are basically two types of difficult friendships, the ones you should hold on to and the ones you should let go. The first type are the friends that are simply going through a rough patch and need extra support, but they will happily give extra support to you when you need it. The ones to let go are the ones that do not give back and never will. Their lives are never-ending drama pits, and they will suck the life right out of you if you let them. Friendship with them is never a two-way street.
The following is an example of what happens with a friend who is going through a rough time and consequently being difficult: She calls you every day to discuss her problems, and although you are very careful not to give advice, you do share some things that have helped you in similar situations. Your friend seems to have a reason why everything that you share just wouldn’t work in her situation. She is cranky and needy, and nothing makes her happy. Sadly, some people need to remain in the negativity for a little while before they can muster up the courage to change it. Their misery is familiar to them, and change is frightening. I know this because I was one of those people for a while, one of those difficult friends.
Fortunately, my friends were patient and understanding, and never gave up on me. My situation improved, and I have been able to give the same kind of support to others since then. So, the next time you are in a situation where a friend is listing her grievances with life, go ahead and make those suggestions and tell her things that helped you if you have had a similar problem. Just don’t give up on her. At some point, she will hear you and get moving in the right direction.
The next example is what happens with the difficult friends who take, and take, then take some more: I have recently been hearing these friendships referred to as “toxic,” and that is a perfect description. These people are not just needy while they are going through a rough time, and they will not give you extra support when you need it. They are what I call crisis junkies and are not satisfied unless their life is in turmoil. No one else’s problems are important to them, as they are too self-absorbed to realize that they are not the center of the universe. They will call at all hours of the day and night expecting friends to be there for them, but they will never have the emotional fortitude to return the favor.
I understand that this sounds harsh, but if you have had friends like this, you know the impact that their behavior can have. They wear you out both emotionally and physically. And, the worst part is, you don’t receive friendship in return.
The following is an example of what happens with a friend who is going through a rough time and consequently being difficult: She calls you every day to discuss her problems, and although you are very careful not to give advice, you do share some things that have helped you in similar situations. Your friend seems to have a reason why everything that you share just wouldn’t work in her situation. She is cranky and needy, and nothing makes her happy. Sadly, some people need to remain in the negativity for a little while before they can muster up the courage to change it. Their misery is familiar to them, and change is frightening. I know this because I was one of those people for a while, one of those difficult friends.
Fortunately, my friends were patient and understanding, and never gave up on me. My situation improved, and I have been able to give the same kind of support to others since then. So, the next time you are in a situation where a friend is listing her grievances with life, go ahead and make those suggestions and tell her things that helped you if you have had a similar problem. Just don’t give up on her. At some point, she will hear you and get moving in the right direction.
The next example is what happens with the difficult friends who take, and take, then take some more: I have recently been hearing these friendships referred to as “toxic,” and that is a perfect description. These people are not just needy while they are going through a rough time, and they will not give you extra support when you need it. They are what I call crisis junkies and are not satisfied unless their life is in turmoil. No one else’s problems are important to them, as they are too self-absorbed to realize that they are not the center of the universe. They will call at all hours of the day and night expecting friends to be there for them, but they will never have the emotional fortitude to return the favor.
I understand that this sounds harsh, but if you have had friends like this, you know the impact that their behavior can have. They wear you out both emotionally and physically. And, the worst part is, you don’t receive friendship in return.
It's Best To Mind Your Own Business
“If you mind your own business, then you won’t be mindin’ mine.” A line from the song entitled “Mind Your Own Business” by Hank Williams, Sr.
Unfortunately, the art of minding their own business is not one that many folks have mastered. These people seem to have an insatiable need to know what is going on in the lives of their friends, family, and even the lives of total strangers. As evidenced by the recent obsession with the story of Britney Spears’ troubles, it seems that many have become consumed by the need to know everything about everyone. Certainly this situation is fueled by the media, but these stories would not receive such excessive amounts of coverage if the public did not show an interest.
It is true that minding one’s own business can be difficult. It is so often easier to look at someone else’s life with its faults and misdeeds than it is for people to look at their own. If all of a person’s time is spent focusing on others, there isn’t time to focus on his/her own problems. And isn’t this what most folks are trying to do – avoid their own faults, shortcomings, and problems? It is infinitely easier and much less painful to focus on the woes of others.
The problem is that as long as people focus on everyone else, there is never any improvement in their own lives. The truth is that if they are taking proper care of themselves and their own actions, that there isn’t time to contemplate what others are or should be doing. So how does a person get set on a path of minding his/her own business and seeking improvement in his/her own life?
First, remember that there is plenty to fix about one’s own life, habits, and characteristics. Stop looking at everyone else, and look in the mirror. Admit faults and shortcomings and make a promise to that image in the mirror to seek a better, more fulfilling life. When one’s time is being spent that way, there isn’t time to try to fix or get into the business of others. Next, evaluate whether that other person’s behavior has any affect at all on one’s own life. The answer to this question is usually that it does not, in which case, butting out is the appropriate action.
Another simple rule to live by to keep from being classified as a person who doesn’t mind his/her own business is to never give unsolicited advice. Remember that if a friend or family member wants advice, they will ask for it.
In addition, people should ask themselves why other folks’ goings and comings matter so much to them. There is almost always a reason beyond simple nosiness, and they should examine what that reason is and deal with it. And in those cases when it is just simple nosiness, they should ask themselves how they would feel if everyone else were butting into their lives. It would be a good idea, too, to imagine life without all the gossip, backstabbing, and worrying about everyone else’s sayings and doings. Imagine how much more peace and free time there would be!
Lastly, a very painful truth is that there are mean and hateful people who revel in the miseries of others. The reason for them wanting to be in someone else’s business is that it makes them feel superior. Thoughts such as, “Well, my life isn’t perfect, but at least it isn’t as bad as his/hers.” There are even parents who will say things like, “My kid might have his share of trouble, but he’s not nearly as bad as so-and-so’s kid. Did you hear what he did?” These sick comparisons make them feel better than everyone else. The quote from Benjamin Franklin, “Clean your finger before you point at my spots” fits perfectly in these situations. So does a short and sweet, “Mind your own business!”
Unfortunately, the art of minding their own business is not one that many folks have mastered. These people seem to have an insatiable need to know what is going on in the lives of their friends, family, and even the lives of total strangers. As evidenced by the recent obsession with the story of Britney Spears’ troubles, it seems that many have become consumed by the need to know everything about everyone. Certainly this situation is fueled by the media, but these stories would not receive such excessive amounts of coverage if the public did not show an interest.
It is true that minding one’s own business can be difficult. It is so often easier to look at someone else’s life with its faults and misdeeds than it is for people to look at their own. If all of a person’s time is spent focusing on others, there isn’t time to focus on his/her own problems. And isn’t this what most folks are trying to do – avoid their own faults, shortcomings, and problems? It is infinitely easier and much less painful to focus on the woes of others.
The problem is that as long as people focus on everyone else, there is never any improvement in their own lives. The truth is that if they are taking proper care of themselves and their own actions, that there isn’t time to contemplate what others are or should be doing. So how does a person get set on a path of minding his/her own business and seeking improvement in his/her own life?
First, remember that there is plenty to fix about one’s own life, habits, and characteristics. Stop looking at everyone else, and look in the mirror. Admit faults and shortcomings and make a promise to that image in the mirror to seek a better, more fulfilling life. When one’s time is being spent that way, there isn’t time to try to fix or get into the business of others. Next, evaluate whether that other person’s behavior has any affect at all on one’s own life. The answer to this question is usually that it does not, in which case, butting out is the appropriate action.
Another simple rule to live by to keep from being classified as a person who doesn’t mind his/her own business is to never give unsolicited advice. Remember that if a friend or family member wants advice, they will ask for it.
In addition, people should ask themselves why other folks’ goings and comings matter so much to them. There is almost always a reason beyond simple nosiness, and they should examine what that reason is and deal with it. And in those cases when it is just simple nosiness, they should ask themselves how they would feel if everyone else were butting into their lives. It would be a good idea, too, to imagine life without all the gossip, backstabbing, and worrying about everyone else’s sayings and doings. Imagine how much more peace and free time there would be!
Lastly, a very painful truth is that there are mean and hateful people who revel in the miseries of others. The reason for them wanting to be in someone else’s business is that it makes them feel superior. Thoughts such as, “Well, my life isn’t perfect, but at least it isn’t as bad as his/hers.” There are even parents who will say things like, “My kid might have his share of trouble, but he’s not nearly as bad as so-and-so’s kid. Did you hear what he did?” These sick comparisons make them feel better than everyone else. The quote from Benjamin Franklin, “Clean your finger before you point at my spots” fits perfectly in these situations. So does a short and sweet, “Mind your own business!”
Forgiving Is Required, Forgetting Is Not
Forgive or Forget?
“Forgiving is not forgetting, it’s letting go of the hurt.” Mary McLeod Bethune
“Forgive and forget” is something that we have been encouraged to do all our lives. But as I have gotten older, and hopefully a little wiser, I have begun to realize that I can only agree with half of this old adage. I am obligated, if I am truly living by my spiritual convictions, to forgive. Not only is forgiving the kind and spiritually sound thing to do, it is also essential for our general well being – both mental and physical. Not forgiving the flaws, shortcomings, and misdeeds of others causes anger and resentment to build to dangerous, toxic levels and affects our lives in extremely negative ways. It places terrible burdens on our relationships with others, as well as our relationship with ourselves.
As important as I believe that forgiveness is, I also believe that there are some instances in which it is unwise to forget. In almost every situation where there has been a need to forgive someone (including those where we have needed to forgive ourselves) there has been an important lesson to learn. If we practice the “forget” half of this saying, we are depriving ourselves of valuable, hard-earned lessons, and we are leaving ourselves exposed to having the same hurtful thing happen to us again. We can forgive, but remember the incident so that if something similar happens in the future, the outcome will be different.
Certainly, there are those minor annoyances where someone pulls out in front of us in the car, or cuts in line at the grocery store, or gets our order wrong at a restaurant – forget these, as they are usually inconsequential, and there is really no valuable lesson in them. These kinds of things happen so often that we would be on memory overload if we remembered them all. But the big ones, the ones that really held a valuable lesson, should be stored in our memory banks for future use. Of course, not for future use so that we will have something to hold over someone else, but so that we will not make that same mistake again. After all, what good are mistakes unless we learn from them?
“Forgiving is not forgetting, it’s letting go of the hurt.” Mary McLeod Bethune
“Forgive and forget” is something that we have been encouraged to do all our lives. But as I have gotten older, and hopefully a little wiser, I have begun to realize that I can only agree with half of this old adage. I am obligated, if I am truly living by my spiritual convictions, to forgive. Not only is forgiving the kind and spiritually sound thing to do, it is also essential for our general well being – both mental and physical. Not forgiving the flaws, shortcomings, and misdeeds of others causes anger and resentment to build to dangerous, toxic levels and affects our lives in extremely negative ways. It places terrible burdens on our relationships with others, as well as our relationship with ourselves.
As important as I believe that forgiveness is, I also believe that there are some instances in which it is unwise to forget. In almost every situation where there has been a need to forgive someone (including those where we have needed to forgive ourselves) there has been an important lesson to learn. If we practice the “forget” half of this saying, we are depriving ourselves of valuable, hard-earned lessons, and we are leaving ourselves exposed to having the same hurtful thing happen to us again. We can forgive, but remember the incident so that if something similar happens in the future, the outcome will be different.
Certainly, there are those minor annoyances where someone pulls out in front of us in the car, or cuts in line at the grocery store, or gets our order wrong at a restaurant – forget these, as they are usually inconsequential, and there is really no valuable lesson in them. These kinds of things happen so often that we would be on memory overload if we remembered them all. But the big ones, the ones that really held a valuable lesson, should be stored in our memory banks for future use. Of course, not for future use so that we will have something to hold over someone else, but so that we will not make that same mistake again. After all, what good are mistakes unless we learn from them?
Friday, March 14, 2008
Things I Believe
I believe that:
No matter what might happen, I am never facing it alone because God is with me.
God will give me the road map, but He expects me to drive the car.
To find peace and serenity, I must learn the art of being quiet and still. Nothing is ever gained or learned from a hurry-up approach to life.
If I am trying too hard to convince everyone that I am right, I am probably wrong.
What goes around comes around. Call it karma, or reaping what you sow, or whatever you wish, but I am sure that I get back what I give.
If I am minding my own business, I don’t have time to meddle in the lives of others.
Music has the power change my mood, comfort me, and entertain me.
Words = Power.
The ability to read is the most important skill a person can have.
Self-esteem comes from inside, but can be affected by outside sources.
Laughter truly is the best medicine.
Life is not an accident. Each and every person is put here for a purpose.
There is no such thing as coincidence.
Love and respect are the most important things to teach children.
If I do my best, that is enough.
Risks are essential to having a good life.
Forgiving is required, but forgetting is not. We must learn from past hurts.
Letting my kids make their own mistakes, even though it is difficult, is the best thing for them.
I am never too old to learn something new.
Not being afraid to ask for what I need is the only way that I’ll ever get it.
Being myself is the best thing I have to offer my family and friends.
Being grateful for what I have is more important than wanting more.
Living in the present is all I can do. Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow does not exist.
A good, long, cleansing cry makes me feel better.
Taking time for myself is an important key to my spiritual, mental, and physical well being.
Having something to look forward to helps keep me sane.
Helping others helps me.
Listening, really listening, to others is a great way to let them know that I love them.
Taking responsibility for my own actions, and not blaming others, makes me a stronger person.
Children are a blessing and should be treated with love and respect.
There is no more relaxing feeling than the one I get when I am rocking a baby to sleep.
It’s important to take time for the simple things.
Being in love is intoxicating.
There is something good in every experience, even the tough ones.
The three most important words in the English language are “I Love You.”
No matter what might happen, I am never facing it alone because God is with me.
God will give me the road map, but He expects me to drive the car.
To find peace and serenity, I must learn the art of being quiet and still. Nothing is ever gained or learned from a hurry-up approach to life.
If I am trying too hard to convince everyone that I am right, I am probably wrong.
What goes around comes around. Call it karma, or reaping what you sow, or whatever you wish, but I am sure that I get back what I give.
If I am minding my own business, I don’t have time to meddle in the lives of others.
Music has the power change my mood, comfort me, and entertain me.
Words = Power.
The ability to read is the most important skill a person can have.
Self-esteem comes from inside, but can be affected by outside sources.
Laughter truly is the best medicine.
Life is not an accident. Each and every person is put here for a purpose.
There is no such thing as coincidence.
Love and respect are the most important things to teach children.
If I do my best, that is enough.
Risks are essential to having a good life.
Forgiving is required, but forgetting is not. We must learn from past hurts.
Letting my kids make their own mistakes, even though it is difficult, is the best thing for them.
I am never too old to learn something new.
Not being afraid to ask for what I need is the only way that I’ll ever get it.
Being myself is the best thing I have to offer my family and friends.
Being grateful for what I have is more important than wanting more.
Living in the present is all I can do. Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow does not exist.
A good, long, cleansing cry makes me feel better.
Taking time for myself is an important key to my spiritual, mental, and physical well being.
Having something to look forward to helps keep me sane.
Helping others helps me.
Listening, really listening, to others is a great way to let them know that I love them.
Taking responsibility for my own actions, and not blaming others, makes me a stronger person.
Children are a blessing and should be treated with love and respect.
There is no more relaxing feeling than the one I get when I am rocking a baby to sleep.
It’s important to take time for the simple things.
Being in love is intoxicating.
There is something good in every experience, even the tough ones.
The three most important words in the English language are “I Love You.”
Humor: Being from Texas
One of the most amusing things about being from Texas is the impression that people from other areas have of our way of life. When we meet people from other countries, and even from other states sometimes, they ask us questions like:
How many oilwells do you own?
Where are your cowboy hat and boots?
How big is your ranch and how many cattle do you own?
How many horses do you have?
I live in a town that boasts a population over 200,000, and to set the record straight, I must admit that I've never even visited a ranch, much less owned one. I've never owned a pair of cowboy boots or a hat. I don't like to think about cattle. I prefer to believe that meat just magically appears in the grocery store nicely packaged in plastic wrap. I have no desire to know the process of how it is readied for consumption. The last time I rode a horse was on an organized trail ride while vacationing in Red River, NM. Two other adults had to help me get on and off of it, and I spent the next two days convinced that I was near death because I was in so much pain.
This impression that people have of life in Texas makes me laugh out loud. Yes, Texas has a bigger sky, more stars, and the moon is brighter here. But the last time I slept under those stars, I nearly killed my husband for his brilliant idea to go camping, and the next morning we hauled ass to the nearest hotel. He would have preferred to continue camping, but he couldn't stand my whining for another minute. Not really the outdoorsy type, I'm happy when I have a nice warm room with hot and cold running water, a soft mattress, a mini-fridge for my Dr. Pepper, and restaurants within walking distance. That's what I call camping!
How many oilwells do you own?
Where are your cowboy hat and boots?
How big is your ranch and how many cattle do you own?
How many horses do you have?
I live in a town that boasts a population over 200,000, and to set the record straight, I must admit that I've never even visited a ranch, much less owned one. I've never owned a pair of cowboy boots or a hat. I don't like to think about cattle. I prefer to believe that meat just magically appears in the grocery store nicely packaged in plastic wrap. I have no desire to know the process of how it is readied for consumption. The last time I rode a horse was on an organized trail ride while vacationing in Red River, NM. Two other adults had to help me get on and off of it, and I spent the next two days convinced that I was near death because I was in so much pain.
This impression that people have of life in Texas makes me laugh out loud. Yes, Texas has a bigger sky, more stars, and the moon is brighter here. But the last time I slept under those stars, I nearly killed my husband for his brilliant idea to go camping, and the next morning we hauled ass to the nearest hotel. He would have preferred to continue camping, but he couldn't stand my whining for another minute. Not really the outdoorsy type, I'm happy when I have a nice warm room with hot and cold running water, a soft mattress, a mini-fridge for my Dr. Pepper, and restaurants within walking distance. That's what I call camping!
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Live in the Present
"Having spent the better part of my life trying either to relive the past or experience the future before it arrives, I have come to believe that in between these two extremes is peace." ~Author Unknown
Living for today is not always easy. We all occasionally get caught up in worrying about what will happen tomorrow or what happened yesterday. The unfortunate thing is that this results in us completely missing today. We miss the simple things like beautiful sunsets, the sound of birds singing, and the smell of fresh rain because we are inside pacing the floor fretting over yesterday or tomorrow. We also miss the bigger, more important things such as our children's laughter, an opportunity to help a friend, or a quiet night with our loved ones because even though we may be there physically, we are absent mentally, still trapped in yesterday or moving ahead into tomorrow.
Missing today, with all its wonderful opportunities to enjoy things and see things and feel and love, is nothing short of throwing away a portion of the time that we have been allotted here on earth. How can we prevent this from happening? How can we not allow ourselves to waste our precious time?
One thing we can do is to realize that there is nothing we can do about yesterday. It is forever gone. The best we can do is to evaluate it honestly, then let it go. If, after our evaluation, we realize that we didn't live it to the best of our ability, that we hurt someone, or didn't do what we should have done, or act the way we should have acted, we can promise ourselves to do better today. If we did something for which we need to make amends, then by all means, we must do it. Then let it go.
Just as important, we cannot spend today worrying about tomorrow. It isn't even here yet, and often the things we fear the most about tomorrow never happen. We have no way of knowing what is in store because we do not have access to the big picture. It could be something wonderful, and then we would have spent our time and energy worrying over nothing.
The key is to make the best of today because if we are busy doing that, there isn't time to anticipate the future or fret over the past. When our minds do leap to the future, we can try to think of it with optimism. And when we accidentally slip back into the past, be grateful for the lessons learned or for the great times we experienced.
"The past is a good place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there." ~Author Unknown
Living for today is not always easy. We all occasionally get caught up in worrying about what will happen tomorrow or what happened yesterday. The unfortunate thing is that this results in us completely missing today. We miss the simple things like beautiful sunsets, the sound of birds singing, and the smell of fresh rain because we are inside pacing the floor fretting over yesterday or tomorrow. We also miss the bigger, more important things such as our children's laughter, an opportunity to help a friend, or a quiet night with our loved ones because even though we may be there physically, we are absent mentally, still trapped in yesterday or moving ahead into tomorrow.
Missing today, with all its wonderful opportunities to enjoy things and see things and feel and love, is nothing short of throwing away a portion of the time that we have been allotted here on earth. How can we prevent this from happening? How can we not allow ourselves to waste our precious time?
One thing we can do is to realize that there is nothing we can do about yesterday. It is forever gone. The best we can do is to evaluate it honestly, then let it go. If, after our evaluation, we realize that we didn't live it to the best of our ability, that we hurt someone, or didn't do what we should have done, or act the way we should have acted, we can promise ourselves to do better today. If we did something for which we need to make amends, then by all means, we must do it. Then let it go.
Just as important, we cannot spend today worrying about tomorrow. It isn't even here yet, and often the things we fear the most about tomorrow never happen. We have no way of knowing what is in store because we do not have access to the big picture. It could be something wonderful, and then we would have spent our time and energy worrying over nothing.
The key is to make the best of today because if we are busy doing that, there isn't time to anticipate the future or fret over the past. When our minds do leap to the future, we can try to think of it with optimism. And when we accidentally slip back into the past, be grateful for the lessons learned or for the great times we experienced.
"The past is a good place to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there." ~Author Unknown
Rules to Live By
Here are my rules for life. They are in no particular order, as I believe that they are equally important. I do my best to live by these every day, and since I have started to do that, my life has improved greatly. Yes, I backslide, but I try to get right back into “living by the rules” when I do.
1. Live now. Don’t put it off. I am not guaranteed a certain amount of time on this earth, so I must live life to the fullest every day. Within reason, I have to do the things I want to do now, not wait, for instance, until the kids are grown, or the house is paid off, or the price of gas goes down (yea, that’s going to happen). I’ve known too many people whose time ran out when they were relatively young and they regretted the things that they had never gotten around to doing.
2. Be yourself. It takes too much energy to try to be something I’m not, and I have better things to do. Additionally, other people know when I’m not being real, therefore, there is no point in trying to impress anyone or put on airs. It’s best just to accept and be happy with who and what I am.
3. Never forget that what goes around comes around. This simply means that I must treat people the way that I would like to be treated. If I treat someone badly, at some point, it will come back to me. It’s much nicer when the good that I do comes back.
4. Forgive yourself and others. Everyone has done things that they regret, some major offenses and some small ones. It does no good to dwell on them. If you are truly sorry for those things, and if you have asked for the forgiveness of God and the person you harmed, let go of them. Certainly if there is something more that can be done to make up for the offense, by all means, do it immediately. But sometimes, the best way that you can make up for it is not to do it again.
5. Listen to others. There is an art to listening, and many who think they listen actually do not. Listening means more than merely looking at the person who is speaking, it means giving them my full attention and often reading between the lines. Watch them, their gestures, their facial expressions, and their eyes. I can “hear” a lot this way. Listening to others makes them feel that they are special and important, that I really care what they have to say. Another important reason to listen is that if I’m not listening, I’m not learning. If I am not learning, I am stagnating. To learn, I have to listen.
6. Mind your own business. It is so much easier to worry only about my own affairs. Besides the fact that other people do not need me to take care of them, make their decisions, and generally try to live their lives for them, if I am taking care of my own responsibilities, I don’t have time to worry about everyone else and what they are doing and saying. I don’t always even know what’s best for me – how could I possibly presume to know what is best for anyone else? It’s just much easier when my own life is the only one that I’m trying to run.
7. Don’t hold on to anger and resentment. They can destroy my inner peace faster than anything else, and they have to be dealt with on an as needed basis, not be allowed to grow to unmanageable levels. High levels of these negative emotions can cause depression and anxiety as well as physical illnesses. I must deal with them as they come up, and then let them go.
8. Savor the little things. I get as much enjoyment out of many of the small pleasures in life as I do from the major ones. There is so much beauty to enjoy in the world, watching your kids play, listening to them laugh, admiring a sunset, taking a walk, reading a good book, taking a bubble bath, or any number of simple things that bring contentment. I must be sure that I take time to enjoy these simple things every day.
9. Love. There is no life without love, no reason for life without love. If I love unconditionally and stay in close touch with my loved ones, I am never alone. I am nurtured, and in turn, can nurture them.
10. Pray. I would lose my way and my will to enjoy life if I lost my connection with God. The only way I can stay connected is through prayer and meditation.
1. Live now. Don’t put it off. I am not guaranteed a certain amount of time on this earth, so I must live life to the fullest every day. Within reason, I have to do the things I want to do now, not wait, for instance, until the kids are grown, or the house is paid off, or the price of gas goes down (yea, that’s going to happen). I’ve known too many people whose time ran out when they were relatively young and they regretted the things that they had never gotten around to doing.
2. Be yourself. It takes too much energy to try to be something I’m not, and I have better things to do. Additionally, other people know when I’m not being real, therefore, there is no point in trying to impress anyone or put on airs. It’s best just to accept and be happy with who and what I am.
3. Never forget that what goes around comes around. This simply means that I must treat people the way that I would like to be treated. If I treat someone badly, at some point, it will come back to me. It’s much nicer when the good that I do comes back.
4. Forgive yourself and others. Everyone has done things that they regret, some major offenses and some small ones. It does no good to dwell on them. If you are truly sorry for those things, and if you have asked for the forgiveness of God and the person you harmed, let go of them. Certainly if there is something more that can be done to make up for the offense, by all means, do it immediately. But sometimes, the best way that you can make up for it is not to do it again.
5. Listen to others. There is an art to listening, and many who think they listen actually do not. Listening means more than merely looking at the person who is speaking, it means giving them my full attention and often reading between the lines. Watch them, their gestures, their facial expressions, and their eyes. I can “hear” a lot this way. Listening to others makes them feel that they are special and important, that I really care what they have to say. Another important reason to listen is that if I’m not listening, I’m not learning. If I am not learning, I am stagnating. To learn, I have to listen.
6. Mind your own business. It is so much easier to worry only about my own affairs. Besides the fact that other people do not need me to take care of them, make their decisions, and generally try to live their lives for them, if I am taking care of my own responsibilities, I don’t have time to worry about everyone else and what they are doing and saying. I don’t always even know what’s best for me – how could I possibly presume to know what is best for anyone else? It’s just much easier when my own life is the only one that I’m trying to run.
7. Don’t hold on to anger and resentment. They can destroy my inner peace faster than anything else, and they have to be dealt with on an as needed basis, not be allowed to grow to unmanageable levels. High levels of these negative emotions can cause depression and anxiety as well as physical illnesses. I must deal with them as they come up, and then let them go.
8. Savor the little things. I get as much enjoyment out of many of the small pleasures in life as I do from the major ones. There is so much beauty to enjoy in the world, watching your kids play, listening to them laugh, admiring a sunset, taking a walk, reading a good book, taking a bubble bath, or any number of simple things that bring contentment. I must be sure that I take time to enjoy these simple things every day.
9. Love. There is no life without love, no reason for life without love. If I love unconditionally and stay in close touch with my loved ones, I am never alone. I am nurtured, and in turn, can nurture them.
10. Pray. I would lose my way and my will to enjoy life if I lost my connection with God. The only way I can stay connected is through prayer and meditation.
Sometimes the Best Thing To Do/Say Is Nothing
“If you don’t know what to do, it might be best to do nothing” and “If you don’t know what to say, say nothing” are two of the most helpful nuggets of wisdom ever shared.
In today’s world where everyone is encouraged to CHANGE THINGS, IMPROVE THINGS, FIX THINGS, UNDERSTAND THINGS, SAY THINGS, it is hard to reconcile that inaction and silence are acceptable choices in any situation. However, in many cases they are the best choices.
People often rush into choices without thinking them through. Outside pressure, along with impatience and the feeling that one must always be doing something about every little problem are definite enemies when one is trying to make a decision about what to do in a particular situation. Many times, if a person can simply pray about the decision, then be still, be quiet, and keep an open mind, the answer will come to them without much trouble or waiting. This can be difficult in this hurry-up society, but any time spent waiting for the right answer is time well spent. It is much easier to ponder the decision for a while than it is to clean up the mess when the wrong decision is acted on.
For example, it never fails that when someone is looking for a job, they get an offer from today’s interview, but would really rather have the job that they interviewed for yesterday. On one hand, they need a job, but on the other hand, they don’t feel that today’s offer was right for them. There is fear involved in not taking the offer, but there is a feeling of dread about taking it. This is a situation in which one should say a quick prayer for guidance, then be still and quiet and listen for the answer. Making a quick decision to take the job based on fear is going to cause regret.
Equally important is not saying anything when one doesn’t know what to say. Silence is uncomfortable for most, but words spoken in haste can never be taken back. They hang in the air like black clouds. So many times, people get angry and say things that they do not mean. These words can end relationships, cause untold amounts of pain, and haunt everyone involved for long periods of time.
However, this advice does not just pertain to saying things in anger. It is a good rule to live by for other reasons as well. For example, that feeling that everyone gets when attending a funeral that they need to say something to make the grieving family feel better, but they aren’t sure what they should say – it’s best to say nothing. A hug and silence is better than some trite cliché.
Other examples, such a friend needing someone to talk to about problems her husband, or a friend wanting to vent about financial problems, they are not looking for someone to tell them what to do, or fix their problem, or say anything for that matter. They simply need someone to listen.
It’s not easy, but just try to remember – inaction and silence are often great choices.
In today’s world where everyone is encouraged to CHANGE THINGS, IMPROVE THINGS, FIX THINGS, UNDERSTAND THINGS, SAY THINGS, it is hard to reconcile that inaction and silence are acceptable choices in any situation. However, in many cases they are the best choices.
People often rush into choices without thinking them through. Outside pressure, along with impatience and the feeling that one must always be doing something about every little problem are definite enemies when one is trying to make a decision about what to do in a particular situation. Many times, if a person can simply pray about the decision, then be still, be quiet, and keep an open mind, the answer will come to them without much trouble or waiting. This can be difficult in this hurry-up society, but any time spent waiting for the right answer is time well spent. It is much easier to ponder the decision for a while than it is to clean up the mess when the wrong decision is acted on.
For example, it never fails that when someone is looking for a job, they get an offer from today’s interview, but would really rather have the job that they interviewed for yesterday. On one hand, they need a job, but on the other hand, they don’t feel that today’s offer was right for them. There is fear involved in not taking the offer, but there is a feeling of dread about taking it. This is a situation in which one should say a quick prayer for guidance, then be still and quiet and listen for the answer. Making a quick decision to take the job based on fear is going to cause regret.
Equally important is not saying anything when one doesn’t know what to say. Silence is uncomfortable for most, but words spoken in haste can never be taken back. They hang in the air like black clouds. So many times, people get angry and say things that they do not mean. These words can end relationships, cause untold amounts of pain, and haunt everyone involved for long periods of time.
However, this advice does not just pertain to saying things in anger. It is a good rule to live by for other reasons as well. For example, that feeling that everyone gets when attending a funeral that they need to say something to make the grieving family feel better, but they aren’t sure what they should say – it’s best to say nothing. A hug and silence is better than some trite cliché.
Other examples, such a friend needing someone to talk to about problems her husband, or a friend wanting to vent about financial problems, they are not looking for someone to tell them what to do, or fix their problem, or say anything for that matter. They simply need someone to listen.
It’s not easy, but just try to remember – inaction and silence are often great choices.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Humor: The Meaning of Life
Let's get real for a moment. Picture this: the kids are screaming, they're upset because they asked for cake and ice cream for lunch, and I said no. The dog is barking at the back door. He wants to come in, but yesterday he chewed a huge hole in the carpet. Trust me, he's better off outside. The phone is ringing, and it is one of my childless friends calling to invite me to one of those new in-home lingerie parties - whatever - I am fairly certain that they do not sell ten year old battered t-shirts and faded flannel pajama bottoms. Then the doorbell rings and some young professional-looking guy is standing there wanting to know for whom I will be voting - vote? I tell him that I probably won't even be around in November because I'm seriously considering running away to some small, obscure, isolated country where no one will ever find me. I think I probably scared him because he rushes down the front porch steps rather quickly.
Then, out of the blue, I hear it. There's some touchy-feely, philosophical guy on television telling me that I need to figure out the meaning of my life, discover my purpose, and find an answer to the age-old question - why am I here? Of course, this is not something that I haven't heard before, but today it seems even more hilarious than usual.
I say, to no one in particular, "This guy has gotta be kidding! I don't even know how I am going to survive the rest of the day without losing my mind. And to top it all off, I have no idea how I'm going to pay for the carpet repair. What could possibly make him think that I have any interest in find the meaning of life? I don't know why I'm here. And to be perfectly honest, I don't care!"
After three or four minutes of listening to this nutcase on television, I return to the kitchen to find my kids, along the dog, eating cake and ice cream. Guess what goes through my mind. "Oh good, they made their own lunch! That's the meaning of MY life!"
Then, out of the blue, I hear it. There's some touchy-feely, philosophical guy on television telling me that I need to figure out the meaning of my life, discover my purpose, and find an answer to the age-old question - why am I here? Of course, this is not something that I haven't heard before, but today it seems even more hilarious than usual.
I say, to no one in particular, "This guy has gotta be kidding! I don't even know how I am going to survive the rest of the day without losing my mind. And to top it all off, I have no idea how I'm going to pay for the carpet repair. What could possibly make him think that I have any interest in find the meaning of life? I don't know why I'm here. And to be perfectly honest, I don't care!"
After three or four minutes of listening to this nutcase on television, I return to the kitchen to find my kids, along the dog, eating cake and ice cream. Guess what goes through my mind. "Oh good, they made their own lunch! That's the meaning of MY life!"
Gaining Wisdom
I hope that some day I will be able to consider myself wise, but I have not yet reached that goal. Therefore, in thinking about what makes a person wise, I first looked up the definition of wisdom in the dictionary. According to The American Heritage College Dictionary, wisdom is 1. an understanding of what is true, right, or lasting. 2. common sense; good judgment.
Armed with the definition, I then focused my thoughts on the people in my life that I believe are wise and made a list of their common characteristics. With that in mind, I arrived at what I believe are the seven most important steps to wisdom.
Listen more than you talk. My dad always said, “You can’t listen with your mouth open.” To gain knowledge, one must be able to listen to different opinions and points of view. How do you know which side of an argument, debate, or vote you agree with if you do not hear the different viewpoints? Only those who think they already know everything refuse to listen.
Be yourself in all situations. Wise folks are comfortable in their own skin. They never put on airs or try to be something different than exactly what they are. I believe they have reached a point of self-acceptance that most of us never attain. There is a comfort in their manner, like they are silently saying, “This is me, take it or leave it.”
Take responsibility for who you are and what you do. Never blame others for your mistakes or shortcomings. The ability to admit when you are wrong or have made a bad decision comes with wisdom. When you have reached this level, you no longer expect perfection from yourself and can admit your mistakes.
Accept help when you need it. In today’s world, people are often too proud to admit to needing help. Wise people have realized that they are not the be-alls and end-alls of the world. They have learned that they can’t know all things and do all things and that sometimes, everyone needs a little help.
Calm down. The wise people that I know are also the calmest people I know. They have decided to live in this world without giving in to the hurry-up, keep moving attitude that the rest of us have. They have just as much to do as everyone else, but they approach it in a different manner.
Be slow to anger. With wisdom comes the ability to ask yourself this question, “How important is this?” Also with wisdom comes the ability to answer the question honestly, and about 95 percent of the time, the situation is not worth the energy that anger consumes.
Have a spiritual connection with your God. All of the wise folks I know have a strong spiritual life, and they pray regularly. They do not try to solve all of life’s problems alone. They practice gratitude, and they possess an inner peace that only comes with spirituality.
Armed with the definition, I then focused my thoughts on the people in my life that I believe are wise and made a list of their common characteristics. With that in mind, I arrived at what I believe are the seven most important steps to wisdom.
Listen more than you talk. My dad always said, “You can’t listen with your mouth open.” To gain knowledge, one must be able to listen to different opinions and points of view. How do you know which side of an argument, debate, or vote you agree with if you do not hear the different viewpoints? Only those who think they already know everything refuse to listen.
Be yourself in all situations. Wise folks are comfortable in their own skin. They never put on airs or try to be something different than exactly what they are. I believe they have reached a point of self-acceptance that most of us never attain. There is a comfort in their manner, like they are silently saying, “This is me, take it or leave it.”
Take responsibility for who you are and what you do. Never blame others for your mistakes or shortcomings. The ability to admit when you are wrong or have made a bad decision comes with wisdom. When you have reached this level, you no longer expect perfection from yourself and can admit your mistakes.
Accept help when you need it. In today’s world, people are often too proud to admit to needing help. Wise people have realized that they are not the be-alls and end-alls of the world. They have learned that they can’t know all things and do all things and that sometimes, everyone needs a little help.
Calm down. The wise people that I know are also the calmest people I know. They have decided to live in this world without giving in to the hurry-up, keep moving attitude that the rest of us have. They have just as much to do as everyone else, but they approach it in a different manner.
Be slow to anger. With wisdom comes the ability to ask yourself this question, “How important is this?” Also with wisdom comes the ability to answer the question honestly, and about 95 percent of the time, the situation is not worth the energy that anger consumes.
Have a spiritual connection with your God. All of the wise folks I know have a strong spiritual life, and they pray regularly. They do not try to solve all of life’s problems alone. They practice gratitude, and they possess an inner peace that only comes with spirituality.
Take Time for Yourself
There is a quote that has to do with taking a little time out for enjoyment. It is a quote that all parents should live by.
“The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.” Bertrand Russell
The art of wasting time has gotten a bad rap in this modern, hurry-up society. It’s almost a crime to stop for a short while and do nothing. Ask 100 people for the definition of wasting time, and no two people will give the same answer. Some will reply that it is a terrible thing. Others will rave about what a wonderful thing it is. Everyone, thank God, is different, and what is a waste of time to one may be the favorite activity of the next.
For this moment, consider and believe that there is no such thing as wasted time. Everyone needs a certain amount of downtime every day. Whether it is spent reading, watching TV, or just staring at the wall, it is a necessity. This time is required to regroup, refresh. Taking this time out helps people to be better spouses, better parents, better friends, even better employees.
Many people choose not to “waste” time. They are always moving quickly from one task to the next, job, dinner, housecleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, never wasting a moment. They are keeping all the chores done and being very efficient. But at some point, these folks pay for this behavior because of stress and fatigue and irritability. Also, their children grow up right there beside them, and they haven’t taken the time to notice. They never think later in life things like, “Gee, I sure kept an immaculate house when my kids were little.” Instead they think, “How did they grow up so quickly and without me even realizing it?”
It is difficult to change a life-long way of thinking, and to forget all the negative things that people say about wasting time. But, it is well worth it. So waste some time today. Everyone should do some wonderfully nice things for themselves – take a bubble bath, read something for fun, sit down and listen to some great music, go fishing, or just sit down and relax. Then waste a little more time playing hide and seek with the kids. All those other things will wait. But sanity won’t wait, and neither will the children.
“The time you enjoy wasting is not wasted time.” Bertrand Russell
The art of wasting time has gotten a bad rap in this modern, hurry-up society. It’s almost a crime to stop for a short while and do nothing. Ask 100 people for the definition of wasting time, and no two people will give the same answer. Some will reply that it is a terrible thing. Others will rave about what a wonderful thing it is. Everyone, thank God, is different, and what is a waste of time to one may be the favorite activity of the next.
For this moment, consider and believe that there is no such thing as wasted time. Everyone needs a certain amount of downtime every day. Whether it is spent reading, watching TV, or just staring at the wall, it is a necessity. This time is required to regroup, refresh. Taking this time out helps people to be better spouses, better parents, better friends, even better employees.
Many people choose not to “waste” time. They are always moving quickly from one task to the next, job, dinner, housecleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, never wasting a moment. They are keeping all the chores done and being very efficient. But at some point, these folks pay for this behavior because of stress and fatigue and irritability. Also, their children grow up right there beside them, and they haven’t taken the time to notice. They never think later in life things like, “Gee, I sure kept an immaculate house when my kids were little.” Instead they think, “How did they grow up so quickly and without me even realizing it?”
It is difficult to change a life-long way of thinking, and to forget all the negative things that people say about wasting time. But, it is well worth it. So waste some time today. Everyone should do some wonderfully nice things for themselves – take a bubble bath, read something for fun, sit down and listen to some great music, go fishing, or just sit down and relax. Then waste a little more time playing hide and seek with the kids. All those other things will wait. But sanity won’t wait, and neither will the children.
Humor: The Truth About Aging
I was one of those young people that secretly laughed at the older generation when they spoke of their aches and pains. Little did I know then that the laughter would someday come back to haunt me.
Over 50 years of age now, I find myself in the same frightening situation! And believe me, I am sorry now that I laughed. For all of you young people that find humor when you hear us moaning and groaning, I must warn you that your day is coming, and it's closer than you think! My advice to you is to enjoy your pain free days, your good vision and hearing, and your resistance to gravity while you can.
Getting out of bed takes a lot longer than it did before. My back is aching before I even sit up and when I stand, my knees are so stiff that they won't bend. It takes about five minutes of groaning and stretching to alleviate the stiffness, and even then it doesn't all go away. For example, my knees, which I swear are 75 years old, remain stiff for much longer and cause pain all the way through my daily activity. If I could, I'd sell my house and buy one that had no steps - anywhere!
In addition, tasks that were carried out with no thought in my younger days have now become monumental. I can barely even open jars now because of the arthritis in my hands! And those little twist caps on sodas? Forget it.
As if the pain and stiffness weren't enough, gravity has become my enemy now as well. Everything has fallen, and trust me, it ain't pretty. My rear end is about six inches below where it used to be, not to mention what has happened to my chest. I'm not sure, but I think my ears might even be falling. I was already petite, but I'm getting shorter by the day. I'm actually afraid I might disappear.
My skin is looser now and has wrinkles that weren't there before. It's like it's too big for me all of a sudden, but it's clearly not because I've lost weight. Losing weight after 40 is almost impossible. My doctor told me that this is because at 40, your metabolism slows down considerably. He was so sweet to share that with me. Exercise is a major production with all the aches and pains. Bending over to tie my walking shoes is fairly complicated, and by the time I get that done, I don't have the energy to go for a walk.
All the hormonal changes are loads of fun, too. Waking up sweating in the middle of the night, freezing one minute and smothering the next, and having such a generally “sunny” disposition is just wonderful. Until a couple of years ago, I had never had the desire to punch anyone in the nose. I now know what that feels like. I must not forget to mention here that along with the hormonal changes comes a new beauty challenge - facial hair. Yes, that's right, I now have whiskers on my chin. As far as quality of life goes, I just don't think it gets any better than that.
I guess that God, in all His wisdom, didn't think that all this was enough because he also gave me the challenge of declining vision. I've always worn glasses for distance, but now I can't see anything closer than 18 inches from my face! So it's either fun with bifocals or take my distance glasses off to read, eat, use the computer, or pretty much anything else I do. It might not seem like a problem to take my glasses off, but it definitely can be. I take them off to read something, put them down, and an hour later I can't remember where I put them. Oh yes, I forgot to mention the memory problems!
I can almost see myself in ten years. I'll be walking like Frankenstein, with a straight back and stiff knees with a scowl on my face because I couldn't open my soda for my daily caffeine. I'll be walking into walls because I can't see, and I'll probably frighten children with my loose skin and wrinkles. I simply can't wait!
Bette Davis, a wonderful actress from Hollywood's Golden Era said, “Old age isn't for sissies.” I agree wholeheartedly.
Over 50 years of age now, I find myself in the same frightening situation! And believe me, I am sorry now that I laughed. For all of you young people that find humor when you hear us moaning and groaning, I must warn you that your day is coming, and it's closer than you think! My advice to you is to enjoy your pain free days, your good vision and hearing, and your resistance to gravity while you can.
Getting out of bed takes a lot longer than it did before. My back is aching before I even sit up and when I stand, my knees are so stiff that they won't bend. It takes about five minutes of groaning and stretching to alleviate the stiffness, and even then it doesn't all go away. For example, my knees, which I swear are 75 years old, remain stiff for much longer and cause pain all the way through my daily activity. If I could, I'd sell my house and buy one that had no steps - anywhere!
In addition, tasks that were carried out with no thought in my younger days have now become monumental. I can barely even open jars now because of the arthritis in my hands! And those little twist caps on sodas? Forget it.
As if the pain and stiffness weren't enough, gravity has become my enemy now as well. Everything has fallen, and trust me, it ain't pretty. My rear end is about six inches below where it used to be, not to mention what has happened to my chest. I'm not sure, but I think my ears might even be falling. I was already petite, but I'm getting shorter by the day. I'm actually afraid I might disappear.
My skin is looser now and has wrinkles that weren't there before. It's like it's too big for me all of a sudden, but it's clearly not because I've lost weight. Losing weight after 40 is almost impossible. My doctor told me that this is because at 40, your metabolism slows down considerably. He was so sweet to share that with me. Exercise is a major production with all the aches and pains. Bending over to tie my walking shoes is fairly complicated, and by the time I get that done, I don't have the energy to go for a walk.
All the hormonal changes are loads of fun, too. Waking up sweating in the middle of the night, freezing one minute and smothering the next, and having such a generally “sunny” disposition is just wonderful. Until a couple of years ago, I had never had the desire to punch anyone in the nose. I now know what that feels like. I must not forget to mention here that along with the hormonal changes comes a new beauty challenge - facial hair. Yes, that's right, I now have whiskers on my chin. As far as quality of life goes, I just don't think it gets any better than that.
I guess that God, in all His wisdom, didn't think that all this was enough because he also gave me the challenge of declining vision. I've always worn glasses for distance, but now I can't see anything closer than 18 inches from my face! So it's either fun with bifocals or take my distance glasses off to read, eat, use the computer, or pretty much anything else I do. It might not seem like a problem to take my glasses off, but it definitely can be. I take them off to read something, put them down, and an hour later I can't remember where I put them. Oh yes, I forgot to mention the memory problems!
I can almost see myself in ten years. I'll be walking like Frankenstein, with a straight back and stiff knees with a scowl on my face because I couldn't open my soda for my daily caffeine. I'll be walking into walls because I can't see, and I'll probably frighten children with my loose skin and wrinkles. I simply can't wait!
Bette Davis, a wonderful actress from Hollywood's Golden Era said, “Old age isn't for sissies.” I agree wholeheartedly.
Understanding Fear
Someone once said, “Courage is fear that has said its prayers.” I love this quote and try very hard to practice it in my daily life. Some would say that fear is “a lack of faith.” Some might even agree with that assessment, but I absolutely do not. Fear is simply proof that we are human and that we have human emotions. It is true that fear does not come from God. In II Timothy 1:7, Paul confirms this by saying, “For God did not give us a spirit of fear, but a spirit of power and of love and of a sound mind.” It is important to note that Paul did not say, “If you feel fear, then you lack faith.”
Fear is just one of those inevitable things that accompanies the condition of being human. No person on earth has so much faith that they never feel fear. Faith in that quantity is certainly something to aspire to and pray for, but if in this world, we have to accept that we are going to experience fear.
The real issue is – how do we handle that fear? Do we let it consume us? Do we lock ourselves inside our homes and deprive ourselves of all human contact. Do we refuse to trust anyone, thereby not enjoying relationships and fellowship with other people? I hope not because none of these methods work, and they all eventually cause as much pain and suffering as the fear.
The best antidote I have found for fear is simple and painless. It is prayer, and realizing that God is ever-present, and that He never leaves me alone. Through prayer and meditation, God can help quieten my worries and calm my fears. I remind myself that there is nothing more powerful than He is. It takes a few minutes for the peace to come. The force of fear and the wheels in my human mind are like a train, and they take a while to stop. But they do stop, and a feeling of security and warmth that God gives covers me like a warm, soft blanket.
Lastly, never buy into the “Fear is lack of faith” mentality. Don’t ever allow another human being convince you that your faith is lacking just because you have human emotions. Your quantity of faith is exactly that – yours – and it is a matter to be dealt with between you and the Giver of Faith. No one else need be involved.
Fear is just one of those inevitable things that accompanies the condition of being human. No person on earth has so much faith that they never feel fear. Faith in that quantity is certainly something to aspire to and pray for, but if in this world, we have to accept that we are going to experience fear.
The real issue is – how do we handle that fear? Do we let it consume us? Do we lock ourselves inside our homes and deprive ourselves of all human contact. Do we refuse to trust anyone, thereby not enjoying relationships and fellowship with other people? I hope not because none of these methods work, and they all eventually cause as much pain and suffering as the fear.
The best antidote I have found for fear is simple and painless. It is prayer, and realizing that God is ever-present, and that He never leaves me alone. Through prayer and meditation, God can help quieten my worries and calm my fears. I remind myself that there is nothing more powerful than He is. It takes a few minutes for the peace to come. The force of fear and the wheels in my human mind are like a train, and they take a while to stop. But they do stop, and a feeling of security and warmth that God gives covers me like a warm, soft blanket.
Lastly, never buy into the “Fear is lack of faith” mentality. Don’t ever allow another human being convince you that your faith is lacking just because you have human emotions. Your quantity of faith is exactly that – yours – and it is a matter to be dealt with between you and the Giver of Faith. No one else need be involved.
Improving the Quality of Your Life
A good definition of quality of life is “a feeling of inner peace and contentment.” It has nothing to do with having lots of money, living in a big, new house, or owing an expensive car. These things are external and have nothing to do with whether life is good or bad. The things that make life good are intangible. They are based on more important things like our relationships with God and others, the nice things we do for ourselves and others, and being grateful for everything that is good in our lives.
With that in mind, the first tip for improving the quality of our lives would be – “Cultivate and nurture relationships with God and with others.” The closer we are to God, the more inner peace we possess. Even in the worst of times, we can have peace if we are in touch with God through prayer and meditation.
There is much that we can do in our relationships with others to get that calm feeling as well. Loving unconditionally is the single, most important thing we can in our relationships with others. If we love unconditionally, we don’t spend precious time trying to change them. When we look for the good in others, we begin to accept them for who they are and stop dwelling on their negative qualities. By doing this, we improve our own lives and the lives of our loved ones.
The next tip is – “Do nice things for ourselves and others.” Between work and kids and life’s distractions, it is often difficult to find the time to be good to ourselves, much less to others. It is, however, imperative that we carve out some time for this every day. Doing things for others is a great way to find that inner peace that we need so badly. Even the smallest of gestures count. For example, take the time to check on an elderly neighbor, call a friend that has being going through a rough time, or volunteer with an organization that you believe in. The opportunities available to help others are endless.
Being good to ourselves is the one that most of us forget. We are usually so busy that there is no time left at the end of the day – which is why time for ourselves has to be scheduled, just like all the other items on our to-do lists. Giving ourselves as little as fifteen minutes a day can help. More is better, of course, but fifteen minutes is better than no minutes! We then have to use this time to do exactly what we want to do. Take a bubble bath, read, write, enjoy the little things like the birds or flowers in the back yard, even stare into space – as long as we take that time.
Another way to be good to ourselves is to always have something to look forward to. The daily grind can leave us feeling negative, so we need something positive to focus on. It can be something as big as a vacation or as simple as going out for a hamburger. The little things in life are just as important to our well-being as the big ones!
Never forget the benefits of laughter. Laughing is a great way for us to be good to ourselves, so cultivate relationships with people who make your laugh. When choosing a movie or television program, opt for a comedy. We simply can’t laugh too much!
Even though worry can’t be erased from our lives entirely, we can promise ourselves not to waste precious time worrying about things we can’t change. Limiting worry is an important way to be good to ourselves and improve the quality of our lives.
The last tip is simple – “Practice gratitude.” We must focus on the good things in our lives instead of whining about the bad. Being grateful for what we have is a great way to improve the quality of our lives because it forces to focus on the positive instead of the negative. Instead of whining about our houses being too small, we must turn this around to being grateful that we have roofs over our heads. There is nothing wrong with working toward goals to improve our situation. Working toward goals is positive. But whining about what we don’t have is not. We must learn to be satisfied with and grateful for every blessing, no matter how small.
With that in mind, the first tip for improving the quality of our lives would be – “Cultivate and nurture relationships with God and with others.” The closer we are to God, the more inner peace we possess. Even in the worst of times, we can have peace if we are in touch with God through prayer and meditation.
There is much that we can do in our relationships with others to get that calm feeling as well. Loving unconditionally is the single, most important thing we can in our relationships with others. If we love unconditionally, we don’t spend precious time trying to change them. When we look for the good in others, we begin to accept them for who they are and stop dwelling on their negative qualities. By doing this, we improve our own lives and the lives of our loved ones.
The next tip is – “Do nice things for ourselves and others.” Between work and kids and life’s distractions, it is often difficult to find the time to be good to ourselves, much less to others. It is, however, imperative that we carve out some time for this every day. Doing things for others is a great way to find that inner peace that we need so badly. Even the smallest of gestures count. For example, take the time to check on an elderly neighbor, call a friend that has being going through a rough time, or volunteer with an organization that you believe in. The opportunities available to help others are endless.
Being good to ourselves is the one that most of us forget. We are usually so busy that there is no time left at the end of the day – which is why time for ourselves has to be scheduled, just like all the other items on our to-do lists. Giving ourselves as little as fifteen minutes a day can help. More is better, of course, but fifteen minutes is better than no minutes! We then have to use this time to do exactly what we want to do. Take a bubble bath, read, write, enjoy the little things like the birds or flowers in the back yard, even stare into space – as long as we take that time.
Another way to be good to ourselves is to always have something to look forward to. The daily grind can leave us feeling negative, so we need something positive to focus on. It can be something as big as a vacation or as simple as going out for a hamburger. The little things in life are just as important to our well-being as the big ones!
Never forget the benefits of laughter. Laughing is a great way for us to be good to ourselves, so cultivate relationships with people who make your laugh. When choosing a movie or television program, opt for a comedy. We simply can’t laugh too much!
Even though worry can’t be erased from our lives entirely, we can promise ourselves not to waste precious time worrying about things we can’t change. Limiting worry is an important way to be good to ourselves and improve the quality of our lives.
The last tip is simple – “Practice gratitude.” We must focus on the good things in our lives instead of whining about the bad. Being grateful for what we have is a great way to improve the quality of our lives because it forces to focus on the positive instead of the negative. Instead of whining about our houses being too small, we must turn this around to being grateful that we have roofs over our heads. There is nothing wrong with working toward goals to improve our situation. Working toward goals is positive. But whining about what we don’t have is not. We must learn to be satisfied with and grateful for every blessing, no matter how small.
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